Can’t take much more!

I just want to vent and hopefully get some input from some complete strangers with the hopes that you can picture what I’m saying and be completely honest.

First I’ll start with a little about me, I’m a single parent of three kids…..ages 3, 4 and 5. I’ve been unemployed for fours years and have no income at all. I was let go from my job right after my second child was born but had an excellent employment record with my employer.  My kids and I live with a friend and I completely feel like I’m free loading. I do odd jobs here and there to help out the best I can with bills and although my friend doesn’t complain or make us feel unwelcome I am quickly becoming discouraged with life. I am college educated, I graduated with highest honors but I still cannot find a job. I have been on at least 150 job interviews over the last 4 years but still have not been hired. I have gone to an interviewing coach on several occasions and interview well with them, they claim I am presentable, very confident, and intelligent……so what is the problem? I believe I am figuring it out! As hard as this is to say I am fat and ugly! I am not seriously over weight I could probably stand to lose 20-25 pounds. I am well aware that I am a woman with the body shape and build of a man and I am more so than not called sir on a daily basis. I am afraid that I am an embarrassment to my kids especially when I go to their school and their classmates say “Joe” your Dad is here. My daily dress is jeans and T-shirts or other items of clothing that is somewhat unisex because if I wear anything too feminine I look like a transvestite or cross dresser. I wear my hair somewhat short and again that’s because if I let it grow I look odd. I am afraid that it’s my appearance that is keeping me from getting a job. I have thought about what life would be like if a sex change was a possibility but I realize that wouldn’t work either because I am 100% woman. I’m very sensitive, caring, passionate and I wear my heart on my sleeve and I don’t want to be a man who cries all the time. I am quickly becoming irritated with life and my kids are suffering because of the stress I have daily. Lately I have had a very sort fuse and snap for no reason, I love my kids with every ounce of my being but everything they do gets my blood pumping and I find myself yelling at them for pretty much no reason at all. My children do not deserve this life, they don’t deserve to be forced to be like little robots just so they don’t upset Mommy. They don’t deserve to live in poverty and on the welfare system something has to change before I end up in a straight jacket and a padded room, I’m not real sure how much more I can take of this life!