I’m 15 years old and a girl. I’m a freshman in high school and considered one of the “very few freshman elites”. Upperclassmen hit on me and tell me I’m perfect and amazing all the time but I just am physically unable to believe a word anyone says. In 8th grade I always had a boyfriend, and I hooked up with 8 different guys. I even cheated on one. I am not a terrible person though. A few months ago I lost my best friend who I was best friends with for 4 years. She said I was always mean to her. I don’t know what I did or why but it absolutely killed me. My dad is an alcoholic and bi-sexual. My parents absolutely despise each other and pretend that everything is alright when I know it’s not. My sister is also bi-sexual and is a senior at our high school. She is a loser and I accept her but I am afraid to admit it to my friends and boyfriend because I don’t want them not to like me because of it. I feel terrible that I am so ashamed of her. I don’t want to be. I am adopted and recently went looking for my birth parents and found them. They say they love me, but if they did why did they want to give me away. Everyone thinks I’m a ***** at my school and I’ve had enough. I’m decently smart but I don’t try in school so I’m not a very good student. I’ve had a boyfriend for 4 months and he is the only kind of hope I have in my life. I had sex with him for the first time after 2 months, at the age of 14. I feel extremely guilty to the point that I can barely take it. I tell him almost everything I can, and I trust him a lot. But i am so scared he’s just going to become one of the many boyfriends i have had. I don’t know why. I think I am a compulsive liar. I feel like I need to tell my boyfriend that my father abuses me, and stuff like that. I have absolutely no idea why. I steal things from people. Even my best friends. I have been getting better with that though. I swear I’m not that bad of a person. I am EXTREMELY self-conscious about my weight and I feel like I am huge. (123 lbs, 5’3) I have no idea what to do and I feel like everything is hitting me all at once. I drink alcohol and go to parties almost every weekend. I’m not really in the “it” crowd anymore because I’m not friends with my best friend anymore. But my boyfriend is still up there. I don’t know what to do and I want to die so badly. I hate my life, I hate my school, I hate my friends, I hate my family, I hate me.
3 comments
I am going through alot of the same things as you. I just lost my best friend of 3 years, and all my other friends. All I have is my boyfriend and my little sister. It sucks, but it’s life and it happens. High school is hard but it will end, just focus on the positive things in your life. And I really doubt your a horrible person. 🙂
You should talk to your sister about the feelings you have about her. I have a perfect older brother and am very much his freaky loser sister. He acts like he’s fine with me to my face but then he says shit about me behind my back to his friends because i embarrass him or something; and those people are just added to the masses that hate me or think i’m a freak. My trust in him has been completely broken and i don’t think i can ever have the same relationship i had with him before. So, you should talk it out with her because you’ll regret the consequences if you let her find out on her own that she embarrasses you.
Honestly, people only probably think you’re a ***** because you act like one. Like, i’m not saying you’re a ***** because i don’t think you are, but if you keep putting on that kind of mask at school just so you can stay popular then yeah, people are gonna think you’re a *****. Maybe you just need to be more aware of your actions? Imo just be yourself and wait out high school; it’ll be fine.
Btw, if your number of boyfriends gave you that kind of “loose girl” reputation, you should probably be really careful in who you date. Guys will definitely take advantage of you if they think you’re easy, and you’re right in being paranoid that your bf is too. My advice for that is, unfortunately, you’re just going to have to wait until you get into a different peer group (i.e, college) so you can rebuild your reputation.
I don’t think you’re a horrible person. I think being able to talk to an adult who is responsible and caring could really help you right now. School psychologists are completely confidential and no one would have to know. The psychologist could even help you understand what happened with your friend and maybe even patch things up. Good luck!