I need to rant x_x

I think normally people are aware of their primordial depressive urges, but they distract themselves with survival and their career and religion and unnecessary decoration shit and other stupid monotonous things to drown out the little voice in the back of their head that whispers how pointless everything is. It’s part of having a conscious, logical mind. But once you listen to that voice its really hard to go back to not acknowledging it. You start to see the world differently, if not with a new sense of cruelly logical objectivity. Sentiments and emotional attachments fade away. Your closest friends don’t matter to you anymore. Even feelings themselves disappear gradually. You even find humor in everything you used to think was so damn serious, and the fact that everyone gets so stressed and stuck up on that crap is genuinely funny.

The disguises people wear become hilarious too. I honestly laugh every time i see someone in a suit trying to look important, because i know for a fact that in a few hours they’ll be sitting over the same gross fucking public restroom toilet taking the same godamn shit as all of us, all the while toiling in their financial insecurities and relationship problems that they try to hide by creating a fake aura of confidence. And it’s like, lol don’t pretend you’re better than me, we’re the fucking same. They try so hard to avoid the inevitable, it’s ridiculously stupid. They pursue their stupid little dreams that’ll never fucking come true, and some part of them knows this yet they still allow themselves to be brokenhearted when they fail. They think they dumbest things hold the highest significance. Stocking on furniture, useless ugly decorations, clothes. They abstract everything to give it meaning; they make up stupid hierarchical education/economic/you name it systems that don’t actually have any value, and then they freak out if the stupid numbers aren’t in their favor lol. They abstract globs of color on a piece of paper and name it “art”. They abstract symbols and turn them into language. Hell they even abstract me to give me meaning. I’m the freak archetype, and when i’m dead i’ll be abstracted once again as someone who had so much fucking potential and wasted it all. Little do they know how much i fucking hate them.

Age is another example of abstraction, in fact its one of the more hilarious ones. We pressure eachother to grow up and become carbon copies of our depressed selves because childish people just obviously aren’t responsible and aren’t worth living because they don’t put back into society. But then again, if you become a hollow, soulless shell of your former self, molded into what society wants you to be, does your life really have value either? There’s one big flaw with people logic. People have this ridiculously stupid idea that if you ostracize someone who doesn’t fit this mold, they’ll eventually give in and conform.

What they don’t realize is that this makes it only easier for you to stray from their objective of standardizing fucking everything. Or maybe even kill yourself. People are weird because the suddenly miss you when you’re dead. It’s also part of the act i think, nobody actually cares about anyone but themselves. Also, it’s extremely ironic when they try to “save” you and tell you not to kill yourself and guilt trip you by telling you how much it would suck for your family and what a fucking selfish bastard you would be if you just shirked your responsibilities like that, but then they won’t fix their fucking society because they’re too godamn lazy and in the end don’t really care. And just saying, it’s not even my goddamn fault my mother is attached to me. She put me in this world without my consent. It’s her fault she likes me. She should have thought about this before she gave birth. Why should this serve as the basis to guilt trip me? And it’s also really funny how simultaneously while all of this guilt tripping occurs people keep calling me a freak or whatever. And it’s like tbh I’m past caring about that. All it makes me do now is wonder why they have such a big fucking stick up their asses. Do they always have to get so fucking worked up about everything, even things that don’t remotely affect them? The answer is yes. And i know why. They secretly feel exactly the same way i do. They need to replace their feelings of emptiness with feelings of anxiety and rage. They just won’t listen to that little voice in their head that could fix their fucked up life.