Hi, I have never really been any good at expressing myself in writing so I am sorry if this passage does not make much sense.
When I was younger, around 12 years old, I wasÂ sexually abused by a man of the age of 22 at the time, I was young and naive, He was a friend of mine and sometimes I used to help out in his workplace, Due to family experiences in my childhood I had to grow up at a very very young age and look after myself, and also my body matured at a very young age, by the age of 11 my body was ready for sex, not that I am saying it is right.
This guy was a friend of mine, He was engaged at the time to a female friend of mine she was 18, At the time I liked this man, and was a virgin, I wasn’t aware fully of what sex was, or the meaning of it.
I used to stay up his partners house and we used to drink, quite a lot, then he decided to take advantage of that, and after awhile he pressured me about my virginity after a period of time that we have been “doing stuff”, He really did startÂ pressuringÂ me about it, and I got it into my head that if I didn’t give it up any time soon he would of taken it any way, Once heÂ triedÂ to but stopped, I had a close friend of mine at the time that I could trust and gave it to himÂ willingly, but of course after I lost my virginity this guy took complete advantage of the situation, Over a course of nearly a year, He used toÂ threatenÂ me and completelyÂ manipulated me, but that close friend at the time that I haveÂ previously given my virginity to kind of saved me from that dark situation.
But over the course of the past 4 years, I hadÂ developedÂ BipolarÂ Depression Disorder and also a complete case of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) which I have been suffering from since, But the sexual abuse was not the only reason I have thoughts of suicide, It is a complete build-up over the course of the past 4 years, Because this was not the only event that has happened to me, but the abuse more acted as a trigger for the build-up.
There are points in which I can be happy but that is extremely rare, Due to failed relationships, partners, friends, family, no money income,no education (I failed high school due to the PTSD which greatly affected myÂ attendance) for example at this current moment of time, I have many friends and my family is back together, but recently after being used for sex once again by another man of 23, who lost interest in me when I hit the age ofÂ consent in this country, it is just getting harder, I amÂ terrified to allow a connection between me and another person, but what I want is a stable relationship, which I have at the moment, he also suffered a lot of bad experiences, and we both are taking it slow, but It just does not seem to be enough.
Some nights I just lay in my room listening to music thinking of the easiest way to end my life, It would be a lie if I said I wasn’t scared of death, I am not scared of what happens after but I am scared of the pain, and the pain I will cause others, I know myÂ conditions will take years upon years to recover completely but even people like me who have recovered do not recovery completely, I just wish I could end this life and be free within my own little reality. And each day it seems more and more possible.