I feel like sharing some of my thoughts. I’m able to write very well when I’m upset, I’ve noticed. Two things are always responsible for making me upset or suicidal. This has been true especially for the last 5 years. The first thing is my physique. You know what an anorexic is, right? Well for different reasons I exhibit some of the same feelings an anorixic has, but just the opposite. I cry about not being big enough. I do whatever I can to GAIN weight, which is exactly the opposite of what an anorexic does. My therapist reminds me that quite often, anorexics aren’t primarily concerned with their physique as they are with the habits that lead to their physique. In otherwords, most of them care more about the act of not eating more than what their physical appearance will be like by exhibiting this behavior. It gives them a sense of power. They have the power to resist something that is essential and of great value which is eating. This causes concern in their parents and others , thus promoting that feeling of power by showing it off to others who perhaps would otherwise be the ones with the power. Anyway, my need to get bigger doesn’t have anything to do with that. A couple doctors wanted to classify what I have as body dysmorphic disorder, or more specifically, muscle dysmorphobia, which implies that I have a self-perception problem which I don’t exactly agree with. I feel that quite often my perception of my physical self is accurate and I just happen to not be satisfied with it. I do believe that sometimes my perception is biased due to how critical I am and how I tend to nitpick what I would perceive as flaws, however unlike an anorexic, I do generally see myself for what I am. It isn’t as if I am huge or fat but perceive myself as thin. I actually am thin and see myself as such, and am not happy with it. I’d like to be much bigger and although I’d prefer that mass to be muscle, anything will do.
I know many people that are actually much smaller than me. I’m 6’2″ 205lbs, but I used to be 165 or so a few years ago, so maybe I just haven’t realized the difference well enough yet. That may be the case, but I have shared with many that my goal of weighing 220 will solve this problem. I really hope that I reach that weight soon and that I am in fact satisfied with it. Another problem I have that kind of goes hand-in-hand with my physique is my desire, or need, rather, to look older. My ideal age would be 31, I think, so naturally I wish to look that way as well. There’s not much a male can do to make himself look older, but I suppose I lucked out when I got a deep voice and all the stress over the years aged my face plenty. I know that most people like to be thin and appear young and I want it to be known that although my desire is to be the opposite of that, it isn’t based on the principal of having a different goal than everyone else. Trust me on that. I know why I feel the way I feel and a lot of it has to do with indirect influences from childhood. Although I am able to recognize what I believe to be the cause of my problems, it does me no good in remedying them. The best way I’ve found to remedy any issues I have with this matter is to indulge in any activity that can promote what I find to be my ideal body image. Eating, lifting weights, and things like that are definately positive for doing this and I have found some peace.
That is reason #1 why I feel upset or suicidal whenever I do. Reason #2 has to do with loneliness. Let me explain about this, because it’s not loneliness in the way you think it is.
Have you ever heard the phrase “lonely in a crowded room?” That’s a great phrase to convey how I feel quite often. Lonely in a crowded room-in otherwords, the inability to really connect with anyone who is on an equal intellectual or personal level. I know that others feel this way. I see them gripe about all the time on facebook or wherever. I especially notice it in teenagers which is why I always had a hard time explaining how serious it was to me when I was one. People, especially adults, generally looked at me as another typical teenager with the same problems as everyone else in my age group. I hated that. I always felt it was different. Now whether I felt that way because it was sincere or because I wanted to feel special, I can’t be sure. But now as an older person, I am able to safely conclude that it was something unique, though I will never appreciate it as something unique, only a handicap.
Since I was very young, as young as 7, I’ve always had the natural ability and desire to look at everything from an objective standpoint. Another way of putting this is that I questioned things. The earliest example that I can think of at the top of my mind that demonstrates this is a time when I was 7 years old sitting in a classroom. The teacher had just walked in the room and handed everyone a math worksheet to complete within the next half hour. As the last paper was handed out, I remember looking around the classroom seeing every child’s nose in their work, sitting quietly, following instructions. I remember thinking, “What are you guys doing? Do you even know why you’re here? Someone hands you something to do and you just do it? What for?” Some may want to consider this type of thinking a subconscious desire for rebellion; rebelling against an authority figure such as a teacher. I am very sure that this is not the case. The way I looked at it was that we were born and just recently introduced to a new activity called school. Although many of us have initially cried and pleaded to not go, we have been involved in this activity now for the last two years and have been taught that this is the way things are. Some of us may be aware that there is a point in time for change, graduation, but none of know much of how the world works. We are conformists, in that we don’t question this kind of lifestyle where people are born, expected to go through certain customs such as school and work, and perhaps engage in other normal lifestyles such as marriage, having a family of our own, owning a house, and working hard until we are old and ready to retire. Doesn’t anyone ever question why we do these things?
Ofcourse, when I was 7 years old, although I questioned these kinds of things, I must admit that I did not give them very much thought. I was only 7 years old, afterall. Before you argue that people do in fact question their upbringings, think a little deeper. I don’t necessarily consider criminals or people with adventurous or different lifestyles to be in the category of “deep thinkers” simply because their lifestyles differ from the norm. If you think about living a life different from the norm, you may be thinking about being a sailor, for example. Maybe you’re thinking about being a spy, or someone who travels around the world as a photographer of wonderful scenery. This isn’t what I’m talking about. When I look at things objectively and come to the realization that I don’t like conformity or credulity, it isn’t because I wish to be different. My desires don’t have much to do with being different. They are unique and just happen to be different from the norm. When I mentioned credulity, I was referring to religious believers. This is another thing that you are taught, but not necessarily predispositioned to believe, though we all somehow have a subconscious desire to wish for there to be some higher authority that takes care of things.
When you look at things objectively and take this viewpoint seriously, you will find yourself questioning values, customs, and lifestyles very critically. This is the case for me. Everyone, especially teenagers, goes through a phase of “finding themselves” and I have yet to find myself. I have gone through that phase, yes, but I can’t say that I truly know what I am as a person just yet. I have just recently been able to obtain some answers and find some values and principles that I find to be reputable and sensible enough to call my own. Networking with a few hundred people from various chat rooms over the last two years has helped me do this. I have gotten feedback from men and women of all ages. I have been able to see how they think, what they value, why they value those things, and who is credible and who is not. I try my best to look at any scenerio in life without bias to see it for what it really is. I think I’m pretty successful at doing this, but at the same time, this is what makes me depressed. If you look at everything for what it really is, you’ll realize that every custom, every value, and every principle, only exists because someone made it up. They are not all necessarily univeral and none of them are absolutes. For this reason, I find myself to be without value, without principle, but with a conscience, and stuck in a world and in a society full of values, customs, laws, and principles that are taken seriously and expected of others. It makes my life, or at least my perception of life, very difficult because I am able to realize that they are not absolute, but no one will, or is able to, admit it. One example that shines as the ultimate example of what I’m talking about is religion. Think about why that is…
Ofcourse, I can’t help but be influenced in some ways by others. Why are people racist? Why do people believe in god? They heard about the concept, perhaps were swayed by others, and decided (subconsciously) to support these ideas, themselves. I have been influenced, for example, to not break the law, to refrain from using drugs, to not be racist, etc. Although I have been influenced in these ways and act accordingly, I am still able to recognize why I act or think in these ways. I was directly or indirectly influenced in one way or another by someone or some group. The same goes for everyone else, though the values will differ from person to person. I still live by such examples that I gave, but I am able to recognize the emptiness of them; that they were simply made up. And although they may seem moral or just, I feel that morality is pretty much relative. There is no right or wrong. So when I talk about being lonely, it is because I haven’t found anyone that looks at things they way I do, or at least in a similar fashion. I’m a bit critical about who I vest time with. When the lonliness takes over, I find myself spending my time with the most convenient crowds available, usually full of monkeys with no real prospects and no perspicacious minds. I hope that this trend in my behavior changes one day and that I find a group that I am able to relate well with. Thankyou.