I posted “My Life” yesterday. Well… to be fair I posted it a few hours ago. Since then I have done nothing but think and think and think… so now I feel the urge to write again.
Today I have NO energy. I’ve never felt this numb. It is part of depression… and it is awful! I miss the days I was a hyper little thing when I was a child. I feel like I am in complete isolation. Trapped in this emotional whirlpool.. and nobody knows it but me. I’ve pretty much self-diagnosed myself with depression.
I try putting myself in a more optimistic state of mind or listen to music but I just go deaf to it. My mind buzzes with negativity and positivity is like a myth to me. I don’t understand people who are over confident and loud and always happy. They are like a different species to me… but I wish I was one of them.
My parents accused me of being on drugs today.
I’m not… infact I am probably the most anti-drug person alive. I don’t even like taking paracetamol or drinking caffeine! It hurt me because… yes I’ve used drugs in the past, but now I know better and have grown. I think being in love made me even more anti-drugs, as the thought of him doing it kills me. This is what set me off on my depression and suicidal thinking again today.
I have been thinking more positively the past couple of hours though:
I thought hard about happiness. I said before I’ve always felt unhappy.
But… there are MOMENTS where I am happy. When I’m with him, and we’re not thinking or talking about other people. It’s just me and him and we have the biggest bond ever. When he leaves I’m smitten and I sit smiling to myself. And then I miss him and then reality hits me and everything comes flooding back.
But these moments are worth living for. If I lose him I lose everything. These moments (I do not mean intimate moments… I mean you know, where your just together, and it’s special) are the only time I have ever felt truley happy in my life. They don’t last long but they are incredible.
I believe that from now on, I am not going to hold on to hope anymore.
Hope is risky. Hope often brings disappointment.
Also if you hold on to hope, you run the risk of something bad potentially happening to you in the meantime and then all motivation to hold on to that hope is shattered.
My friends, I ask you to hold on to love.
Love of a family member, a partner, or even a pet.
Think about the bond between you. And if you break it you break them because if you love them, they love you.
I do genuinely believe that true love is when the other person loves you back. You cannot love somebody who does not love you back, it is lust. Lust is hope. Hope is risky.
For the time being I am going to try and keep up some optimism. It is going to be hard but I want to at least have one more attempt of sorting out my education and keeping things perfect between me and him. I’m going to hold on to love and at the same time give myself another chance. I need this to work, I really do. I will update you all when I next feel the need to, whether it be positive or negative. Lets give this one more shot… the depression and crave for death is still going to be with me but I am going to try my upmost to ignore it for a while. It is going to be hard.