My name doesn’t even matter. I’m 20 and transgender. I’m a nihilist and up until now, I’ve been content with making my own meaning for life.
I have Borderline/Schizotypal/Paranoid Personality Disorder comorbid with nosocomephobia (an intense fear of hospitals.) I’m impressed that I’ve made it this far in life. I never expected to.
Last year I dropped out of college because of an injury that made it difficult to go to classes on top of a debilitating depression and severe suicidal thoughts. I thought things were going to get better.
I live with my dad and his new wife. I have no job. If my friends knew the real me, I am positive that they would never speak to me again.
I am addicted to Vicodin as well as self-mutilation. I’m an alcoholic and used to be a stoner. I used to be intelligent, a painter, a singer, a fantastic actor, as well as many other things but now, I am a failure.
It’s gone. I can’t paint or write anymore. I can’t stand on stage or in front of a camera. I’m worthless.
Tomorrow night I am hanging out and drinking with my friends for the last time. They don’t know that it’s the last night and it’s better that way.
Saturday night, I am taking all of my drugs left from my injury, my antidepressants, my anti-psychotics, and all of the rest at once. Chased by whiskey and sangria. Then cut it all off with a rope around my neck.
There is no meaning, there never was, and nothing actually matters.
13 comments
My friend, I hear your plea loud and clear. I believe that you are serious about this and I’m not going to diminish the severity of your pain. Today I felt extremely suicidal as well. There was a trigger (a conflict with a coworker), but I don’t see any real meaning in life either. I look at things objectively and I’m a big fan of deductive reasoning. I don’t think that I’d say I’m a nihilist, though I do have some contempt for unnecessary authority and I see flaws in a lot of structures. Meaning is what you make of it and want it to be, not to say that if you don’t have any that it’s your fault. I dropped out of high school and later god my GED. I hardly have a social life anymore and this depression has been overpowering for the longest time. To a fair extent, I know what you’re feeling. I don’t know if you posted this in hopes that someone may say something to discourage you or that you just want your suicide to be known. Either makes sense to me and you definately picked a surefire way to do it. Idk my friend, but I really sympathize with what you’ve written because I feel similar. I’m here for now and I hope that you’ve thought deeply about what you’re planning to do before deciding to actually do it. Take some time if you need it.
i know how you feel i have suicidal thoughts all the time but i wouldnt want myself or anyone else dying in vain. try to talk to someone first before u go through with it u never know it might be helpful, but always know that people do love you even if u dont see it and they would be very upset if u died
You’re transgender, so am I, you’re a nihilist, well I can be that way too, you feel like a worthless failure, again so do I… nothing matters anymore, well I can dig that as well. It kinda sounds to me like you’re suffering from anhedonia (loss of interest in things) as a result of your depression, so all I can say is please don’t take that ultimate leap of desperation before you’ve explored every possible avenue of recovery that you can, I mean they don’t call it the forever decision for nothing honey. And maybe you need a doc to review your meds, also if your friends didn’t understand then they aren’t really friends to begin with. Good luck with whatever you do…
Tom, I am serious. I’m done with the cries for help. It’s just not worth it anymore. I’ve attempted suicide twice already and neither time was completely sincere. This is different. It feels different. It feels good.
I have thought about this in depth for the past week. There is no possible way I can fail. My finances and written will are in order.
Kina, I know they will be upset. Emotions are fleeting things. Ha, speaking as if I know what those actually feel like. I am physically and mentally unable to cry anymore. There will be pain but pain in itself is beautiful. They will move on.
Shelly, you are correct in that I have no interest in anything. I actually missed my psychiatrist appointment this morning due to a loss of memory. I couldn’t remember where her office was even though I’ve been there countless times. Another symptom of depression, I’m sure you’re aware.
I may be on before Sunday night but if I’m not.
Happy trails, fellow travelers. This is the end of my road.
Yeah well, again good luck with whatever you do honey, cuz only you can fully know what’s the best choice for you…
I too have been giving suicide a great deal of thought over the past few weeks; i feel like the time is coming soon; maybe I’ll find you on the other side. Good luck with what ever yo decide.
Chose life! No matter how bad you feel…chose life! You will spatter you pain on to the lives of everyone else who knows you and loves you with this act! Chose life! Do what ever it takes to get the help you need. By saving yourself you will save all the others in your life the pain and despair you are feeling now. No matter what you are thinking in those dark thoughts you are having now….Chose life! You are needed in this world and you are beautiful! You are not the drugs that you are taking, you must Chose Life! Do not do this thing to yourself!
Uh great input connee501… umm, I think!!? O.o
Shelly,
I am speaking to all in here with all of my heart exposed. I want you all to know that the pain caused by this act is palpable. Yesterday it was three weeks to the day that my precious son chose to die…I have looked though his room, looked through his life, and I can find nothing that would make him not know he was loved or important. He showed no outward signs that he was thinking or planning death. I think he felt that he was committing the ultimate act of love for his fiance…he said “you deserve someone better than me” …She was so in love with him, I would have been jealous if he were not my son from seeing that love..but he did not see it or understand it. Or it was not enough, somehow. See life with your heart…it is precious and you are not an accident but a miracle!
Connee501, even if I did have the capacity to care, I doubt I would. Your son made a choice. Move on and stop wasting my time.
Linda, there is no other side. If thinking that makes you feel better then more power to you.
@connee501 Thank you for sharing that. Your thoughtfulness has helped me. Thank you!!
I meant no offense connee, I’m just tired and fed up with life, and for me Chose Life! is just not an option… although I hope it is for unity.
I can’t handle this another night. I’m done.
Happy trails.