Pathetic Shit

June 8th, 2010by lost830

I don’t know why I always feel like this. I can’t even remember when it started but now all I can feel is empty. It’s like there’s nothing inside me anymore. The only emotion I feel is sadness and I don’t even know if that’s real anymore. Everything I say sounds stupid even to myself. I have no value in my own eyes because everyone has degraded me way past the point where I could ever have any respect for myself ever again. I’m a freshman in high school and have been cutting on and off since I was in 7th grade. I constantly feel depressed and the slightest things will send me off the edge. My dad has anger issues and he tends to take it out on me and my mom. That never bothered me until I realized neither of us deserved it. The day he picked me up by my neck and slammed me against a bookshelf for walking away from a fight was the day I started cutting. It wasn’t because I was so sad that he did it, it was because I felt so guilty for walking away. I always cut because I feel guilty. When I let someone down, or I don’t measure up to someone’s expectations I cut. Nothing compared to when my parents found out I cut a year ago and my dad screamed at me calling me a stupid attention seeking shit for doing it. That just made me want to cut more. They hid all the knives from me, but they had/have no idea I cut with glass. Thick shards that rip the skin painfully, and leave jagged, bloody marks that make me happy every time I see them. I feel like they are the only things that truly belong to me; my scars. They never leave me and they represent every insignificant moment in my life where I felt pathetic enough to cut myself. What’s funny is that I always have the intention to die until I start, and then I’m too pathetic to finish it off. I want to die, and I don’t want to wait for it to happen, but I guess I’m actually too much of a pathetic shit to finish the job.

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