If I have to take any more of this I WILL shatter and I’m afraid where the shards will fly. They might end up hurting a person I don’t want to be affected by this.
A few minutes ago I just hung up with my friend. She called because of a nightmare she had had. In it, I had killed myself and she was scared. She knows some parts o my issues so she’s afraid it was one of those phychic dreams. I think he might be right but I don’t have the heart or the stability to tell her. She was already crying. So I just played my role as happy friend and cheered her up and made her laugh until her mom told her to get off the phone.
What that the right choice? Should I have tole her how I’m really feeling right no?. How low I feel? How I’m craving anything sharp or hot? That her dream might just come true?
I know I shoul trust her more. But I’m too scared to trust myself.
What should I do?
I’m so confused and my thoughts are so contradicting!
I want to scream
but I’ve been muzzled
I want to run
but I’m tied down
I want to care
but I don’t
I want to be okay
but I’m too busy abasing myself
4 comments
Try to just breathe. Think of your friend and he dream..nightmare, really. If you kill yourself…you may just cause her to end up doing what you will do..commit suicide. These things are like a virus that spreads. Surely you love your friend. The pain you will leave behind if you kill yourself will only be divided and multiplied by all who love you. My son killed himself just three short weeks ago…he left the most loving families..his father, stepmom, little brother and two older brothers. He left me, his mom and my husband, who had no children but thought of him as his son. He left the most wonderful fiance who adored every moment she had with him..they were the most beautiful couple I had ever seen in my life. We are now all filled with pain and questions that we will never answer..ever and we will ask them over and over. We could not have loved him more! My exhusband and I never could get mad at him in his life, because we both knew he wanted to please us. All of us worried about him all of his life. He was 28 with everything to live for….we don’t have to worry about him anymore. Now we have to worry about his widow and his brothers..as they are a little suicidal now. He never told us anything..he put on that happy face to all of us. We never had a chance to help! Now he is gone..and I reach out to him every moment..but I cannot hear him!
I’m sorry but I can sort of see what your son was doing. Because I am doin somthing similar. I hide it. I cut and leave scars then I save up my money to buy things to get rid of the marks. I snake and laugh when I want to scream and cry. When I want to kill or punch someone I hug them. People don’t like me because I’m too physhical. When really I just can stantld being this alone much longer. I’m afraid of getting into trouble for this. I know my parents won’t get it. They know about cutting and didn’t even take that well. I can’t seem to trust anyone. I wish thau were all gone but I don’t want them to leave.
I should probably stop now. I’m starting to cry and holding it back hurts. I’m sorry about your son. I wish I could have met him. Or even helped. (I have a knack for helping everyone but myself. )
77evergone77
That gift of loving people makes you unique. I realize that you are saying that you love all but yourself. You feel unworthy of love, somehow. You cut yourself so that you feel physical pain and it mirrors you psychic pain…and for awhile it helps. Have you ever pictured yourself as a small child? Close your eyes and see that small child who needs to be shown love. Can you go over to that child and hug and kiss that child and say what you need to hear? Do not trust people…trust life, that life will help you. Here I am talking with you at 1:30 am my time. I am willing my love of life into you…surely you feel it. I think my son knows you, for some odd reason. He is directing me here to talk with you. You are so special and you are so loved. Can you feel your heart? It is there, in your heart, that you know love. Not in your head. Try to listen to that small voice in your heart…put your hand there until you feel it beating. Feel that beat? That is your assurance that you are special, uniquely needed in life and alive! You are really a beautiful person…and you are not alone, you just feel alone…I need you to help me with my pain over the loss of my precious son. He was so beautiful to me! He was so tender to me! I am afraid that I will never feel that tenderness again in my life. Please help me to understand what I do not understand. I could not love him enough to keep him alive and now I cannot love him back to life!
Thank you. But that’s not exactly what I ment connee. I don’t just cut to feel the pain so it matches what I feel Inside. Truthfully I couln t care less about whether I survive through this. I just can’t bring myself to care about me. This is because I hate me. I despise myself more than I hate my sister. I cut as a firm of self punishment. I cut to mask the pain to I can keep up my facade. I cut to be able to fee anything. To know I’m still here. But thinking about my heart still beating strong and steleady just makes me wan to end that rhythem. I cut for a lot of reasons.
The people I want love from are those who can’t or won’t give it to me. I’m either being overcrouded or compleatly abandoned. This constant turmoil is killing me. I just want some time to tr to relax and think.