General so sad yet still here by andrewk5 6/17/2010 written by andrewk5 6/17/2010 I dont know where to go anymore it seems as if my life is coming down around me , my name is andrew and i would like to chat with anyone going through a very hard time iam 25 and like i said things are bad 4076835883 14 comments 0 Email Related posts Letting Go 12/3/2021 I hope you’re alright.. 12/2/2021 Opening 12/2/2021 My Depression remains terminal – I wish there... 12/1/2021 I hate being right 12/1/2021 Path of self destruction 12/1/2021 I work outdoors, and today was 12/1/2021 Addiction 12/1/2021 horror versus terror 11/30/2021 My boyfriend killed himself 11/30/2021 14 comments Janey30 6/18/2010 - 1:01 am I want to call but i’m too anxious. I’m 20 and have dealt with suicide and depression throughout my life. Things get bad, horrible, like a dark hole and you’re stuck in it. It helps to talk Andrew. i care about you and I don’t even know your whole story. If you would like to chat with me i have aim=epeacelovemusic. Otherwise I will check back here. I know its close to impossible to hear when you are in the middle of it but things do get better. Log in to Reply muspelhem 6/18/2010 - 2:33 am Hey Andrew. Thanks for sharing! I’m suicidal myself, but I wouldn’t mind talking to you, however, it would have tobe by e-mail. You can write me at: muspelhem(at)hotmail.com Best wishes, Daniel Log in to Reply connee501 6/18/2010 - 3:12 am I will chat with either one of you or both. I am a mother. I lost my son three weeks ago to suicide. He took a 460 magnum and put it in his mouth and pulled the trigger. He had everything in the world to live for…a loving family, a good job, and a new fiance who adored the ground he walked on! I know because I talked to them both on fb chat every night and text messages during the day. He wanted to go to the beach in a beautiful old restored car his father had restored for him and he had a doctors appointment..so his fiance insisted that he keep that appt. He confirmed next morning the appt and then killed himself. He has left so much pain. He had 750 ppl at his memorial. We could not see him because he did not have a head left. He was to move to live on the property I own..house I built by hand for him! I do not have a future anymore without him..spent almost 20 years building this home and collecting old fishing gear for him. His beautiful fiance struggles to breathe every day now…she adored him, she did everything to support him, but in the end..we could not love him enough to keep him alive. Talk to me…I will listen to you. I cannot listen to him anymore! Log in to Reply Kina 6/18/2010 - 10:18 pm connee501-i always wondered if people would care if i died but i never really wanted to think about it but i am sure many people are tired of me being a mope and several have told me to just end it and save my family from the suffering. Log in to Reply connee501 6/18/2010 - 11:38 pm Kina baby.. Do not listen to them! Listen to me…turn off the voices in your head. Just grab your head with your two hands and yell “STOP!” it works…I have to do it sometimes, as I am an obsessive thinker. My mind feels like it is in a hamster wheel..have you ever had this happen? Your family may not get your clues that you are sending them. They will be devastated…I am devastated…I wish you knew how much I loved my son, so much so that everything I did was about him. I did not save him…I did not know. His fiance is so wonderful and she is so crushed, I worry that she will commit suicide, so I talk to her all night on facebook chat about anything she wants to tell me. I worry about my two sons, his older brothers..that they will commit suicide now….his friends message me, one girl has started having seizures after yrs of not having them. Some feel suicidal. All call me Mom..I never knew them until my son died. He had so many friends! That did not save him either…Love, friends, a beautiful fiance that adored him and took care of him…a good job at his family’s Harley Davidson store, every time he wrecked a car..he got it replaced, bills were paid..laughed all the time, everyone adored him. All of that…and he did what he did! Life is felt fully in your heart..and your heart aches right now. Your head will tell you lies…so turn it off for awhile and listen to life with your heart. I am here. I am just one person. Have you ever thought that if there was just one person who cared…well I care! I know you feel like you will save your family..but you will condemn them to an eternity of suffering if you take your life. I loved my son soooo much. I never got mad at him, not once! He was the tender underbelly of my existence! I am not mad at him now…just bloodied and bleeding and bewildered! Maybe you could help me to understand why…I am so hurt…maybe you could help me. Log in to Reply tired_wanderer 6/19/2010 - 12:40 am connee501 I’m so sorry to hear the bitter story of your son. I’m a 30 year old man and apparently everything is going quite well in my life, but there is so much pain and sorrow in my heart that others can’t feel or understand. I’ve been depressed and feeling badly suicidal for several years and my suicidal feeling has been intensified during recent months and I feel like life is gradually becoming unbearable. I have planned my suicide but haven’t yet carried it through only because of my kind mother who has dedicated her life to me and my siblings and because of a caring friend who is closer to me than anyone else in this world. Thank you for sharing your feeling and your efforts to save other lives, If your son knew how much he might hurt you, I’m sure he would never do that. Log in to Reply connee501 6/19/2010 - 2:14 am You are so right! My son loved me so much, he loved everyone. He had broken his back when he was 17 jumping his truck on a motocross course..made for motorcycles. The head orthopedic doc was a friend of mine at Loma Linda Hospital..he went thru two grueling surgeries..should never have walked, but he did. The last months he was having trouble with pain in his feet. Here is what we, his family have found so far..only three weeks later. There is nothing that we know of that would have made him feel so much pain he saw no other way out! I will never know..just partial answers. But I will probably spend the rest of my life searching and asking why..I will blame myself..everyone that was close to him is blaming themselves. His fiance is blaming herself horribly. Most mothers would not be able to come to this Suicide Project so soon after the death of their child, I know. I am not looking for answers here. Just want to love you and tell you you are unique and a miracle of life. You are not some random chance or accident. You are needed in this world so much now! You can help. Sure, we cannot change the hand we were dealt in life, but, we can change how we play the hand. When you were a child..what were your dreams..what was it that you wanted to do? Those dreams and their details are what make you unique. Surely you want to help others…I know my son’s every thought was for others. I believe in some twisted logic that he had..he thought he was sparing his beloved fiance a life of pain living with his disabilities. She loved him for those things! He was her hero for just living! He was my hero! You are the absolute love of your mothers life..her arrow that she launches on the path of the Infinite. She is the bow that is Stable. Let you travel be for Love upon the Path. Your mind is, believe it or not, something you can control. I could sink down into the absolute deepest darkness of my soul right now and join my son. But I chose to live and find a way to make his dreams reality. That is so hard right now..but…I will let life and love guide my path. You are so sweet and caring to just talk with me in your pain, to console me and to honestly tell me how you feel. Maybe we can help each other through the pain and find a life worth living instead of chasing death! Log in to Reply tired_wanderer 6/19/2010 - 3:29 am “When you were a child..what were your dreams..what was it that you wanted to do? Those dreams and their details are what make you unique.” I fully agree with these statements of you. But the problem is when you are a child with lots of colorful dreams, life lies ahead of you and you live it hoping that those dreams will come true one day. As time goes by and you find yourself far away from your dreams you finally reach a point when you almost become completely sure that your dreams will never come true(of course maybe you are wrong!) then you lose your hope, life becomes poinless, you turn into a zombie who has no soul, you even hate yourself and this is that tragic point that you decide to end it… I’m so sorry but this is what’s going on in my mind these days. I live far away from you on the other side of the world but understand your pain and appreciate your efforts and your positive attitude. There are many guys and girls here who are like your own sons and daughters and they need you and people like you. You are in the right path, just keep going, this world needs people like you. Log in to Reply connee501 6/19/2010 - 4:35 am Tired_wanderer Just tell me one of those dreams. Have you ever tried to make one of those dreams come true. You have to make them come true…there is no magical thing that makes them happen. You are the magic! Those dreams that you had are the magical self…they are your future untold in a child’s mind. I wanted to have a horse farm…many years later, I made that happen. Now I have five horses left..that run on 75 acres that belongs to my ex boyfriend, but he lets them live there and it does not cost me anything except worming them and vaccinating them and trimming their hooves. But, I made it happen, I dreamed it and one day when I was so empty inside I thought back to my childhood..when all the things were so bad, with my father dead and my mother married to an alcoholic…she became one too..I thought what saved me then? Horses! My horse saved my life….so I went on a mission to get a horse..then more to keep him company and suddenly I had 25 for awhile…hard work for a woman of 35, at the time, and driving back and forth 140 miles per day to school..building over a mile of fence…but I did it. I gave the dream to myself. Just take one of those dreams and say it out loud and keep saying it to the Universe and life will find a way to make it happen..you will find a way to make it happen. The world needs people like you, people like you are such good people that you cannot take your anger and frustration at life out on others, rather you direct it inwards to yourself..thus dark thoughts…you know what they say about darkness, that light, illumination, casts out darkness. So apply the light and then apply love to yourself. See yourself as the beautiful little child that lives inside of you and give those dreams to yourself..even just one. Log in to Reply tired_wanderer 6/19/2010 - 4:51 am connee501 You are a kind woman and I’m glad you are here. Thank you for all your positive ideas. Log in to Reply connee501 6/19/2010 - 5:29 am tired_wanderer You are a miracle of life..one in a billion. Odds are that you would never have lived…all of us for that matter. If you were to look at the eons of time and how life itself evolved. Just think…that coupling of genetic material that created you was so incredible and one in billions. You are not here by some random slight of hand or to be here to hurt and ache..you were uniquely created for joy. The pain that you feel is the potter carving you, like a cup, and all of the pain is all of the joy you can contain. When your sorrow is on your bed ,your joy is on your bedside for they are linked. Let your thoughts be for that joy which the potter has carved out of your sorrow. Joy and sorrow are linked. So let your sorrow awaken you to the Joy sitting at your bedside. Open your eyes, time to awaken to you true and miraculous self. You are the love you are looking for…you are a miracle! Log in to Reply Nikkiy 6/19/2010 - 9:26 pm Do you txt? I don’t have alot of minuets or I would call. I Just can’t seem to get out of the dark place i’m in. Log in to Reply lifesight 6/20/2010 - 9:56 am i would like to speak with you connee501 Log in to Reply connee501 6/20/2010 - 10:48 am Hi lifesight How would you like to speak to me?..you can find me on facebook under Connee Robertson Osh and put a note in the message part of the friend request a message that you are lifesight..or my email is email@example.com…or if you need to, in the email or message on facebook, I will be happy to give you my phone numbers. I would love to talk with you, am not afraid of confrontation or anger or sadness….love life! I hold degrees in Biology and Sociology and a background in medicine. I miss my son..I want his death to not be in vain. He filled people’s lives with joy and love and happiness. If it were not for his darkness, he would be in here telling them to live! Love, Connee Log in to Reply Leave a Comment Cancel ReplyYou must be logged in to post a comment.Subscribe to comments: Don't subscribe All Replies to my comments Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.