so sad yet still here

I will chat with either one of you or both. I am a mother. I lost my son three weeks ago to suicide. He took a 460 magnum and put it in his mouth and pulled the trigger. He had everything in the world to live for…a loving family, a good job, and a new fiance who adored the ground he walked on! I know because I talked to them both on fb chat every night and text messages during the day. He wanted to go to the beach in a beautiful old restored car his father had restored for him and he had a doctors appointment..so his fiance insisted that he keep that appt. He confirmed next morning the appt and then killed himself. He has left so much pain. He had 750 ppl at his memorial. We could not see him because he did not have a head left. He was to move to live on the property I own..house I built by hand for him! I do not have a future anymore without him..spent almost 20 years building this home and collecting old fishing gear for him. His beautiful fiance struggles to breathe every day now…she adored him, she did everything to support him, but in the end..we could not love him enough to keep him alive. Talk to me…I will listen to you. I cannot listen to him anymore!

Kina baby..

Do not listen to them! Listen to me…turn off the voices in your head. Just grab your head with your two hands and yell “STOP!” it works…I have to do it sometimes, as I am an obsessive thinker. My mind feels like it is in a hamster wheel..have you ever had this happen? Your family may not get your clues that you are sending them. They will be devastated…I am devastated…I wish you knew how much I loved my son, so much so that everything I did was about him. I did not save him…I did not know. His fiance is so wonderful and she is so crushed, I worry that she will commit suicide, so I talk to her all night on facebook chat about anything she wants to tell me. I worry about my two sons, his older brothers..that they will commit suicide now….his friends message me, one girl has started having seizures after yrs of not having them. Some feel suicidal. All call me Mom..I never knew them until my son died. He had so many friends! That did not save him either…Love, friends, a beautiful fiance that adored him and took care of him…a good job at his family’s Harley Davidson store, every time he wrecked a car..he got it replaced, bills were paid..laughed all the time, everyone adored him. All of that…and he did what he did! Life is felt fully in your heart..and your heart aches right now. Your head will tell you lies…so turn it off for awhile and listen to life with your heart. I am here. I am just one person. Have you ever thought that if there was just one person who cared…well I care! I know you feel like you will save your family..but you will condemn them to an eternity of suffering if you take your life. I loved my son soooo much. I never got mad at him, not once! He was the tender underbelly of my existence! I am not mad at him now…just bloodied and bleeding and bewildered! Maybe you could help me to understand why…I am so hurt…maybe you could help me.

You are so right! My son loved me so much, he loved everyone. He had broken his back when he was 17 jumping his truck on a motocross course..made for motorcycles. The head orthopedic doc was a friend of mine at Loma Linda Hospital..he went thru two grueling surgeries..should never have walked, but he did. The last months he was having trouble with pain in his feet. Here is what we, his family have found so far..only three weeks later. There is nothing that we know of that would have made him feel so much pain he saw no other way out! I will never know..just partial answers. But I will probably spend the rest of my life searching and asking why..I will blame myself..everyone that was close to him is blaming themselves. His fiance is blaming herself horribly. Most mothers would not be able to come to this Suicide Project so soon after the death of their child, I know. I am not looking for answers here. Just want to love you and tell you you are unique and a miracle of life. You are not some random chance or accident. You are needed in this world so much now! You can help. Sure, we cannot change the hand we were dealt in life, but, we can change how we play the hand. When you were a child..what were your dreams..what was it that you wanted to do? Those dreams and their details are what make you unique. Surely you want to help others…I know my son’s every thought was for others. I believe in some twisted logic that he had..he thought he was sparing his beloved fiance a life of pain living with his disabilities. She loved him for those things! He was her hero for just living! He was my hero! You are the absolute love of your mothers life..her arrow that she launches on the path of the Infinite. She is the bow that is Stable. Let you travel be for Love upon the Path. Your mind is, believe it or not, something you can control. I could sink down into the absolute deepest darkness of my soul right now and join my son. But I chose to live and find a way to make his dreams reality. That is so hard right now..but…I will let life and love guide my path. You are so sweet and caring to just talk with me in your pain, to console me and to honestly tell me how you feel. Maybe we can help each other through the pain and find a life worth living instead of chasing death!

Tired_wanderer

Just tell me one of those dreams. Have you ever tried to make one of those dreams come true. You have to make them come true…there is no magical thing that makes them happen. You are the magic! Those dreams that you had are the magical self…they are your future untold in a child’s mind. I wanted to have a horse farm…many years later, I made that happen. Now I have five horses left..that run on 75 acres that belongs to my ex boyfriend, but he lets them live there and it does not cost me anything except worming them and vaccinating them and trimming their hooves. But, I made it happen, I dreamed it and one day when I was so empty inside I thought back to my childhood..when all the things were so bad, with my father dead and my mother married to an alcoholic…she became one too..I thought what saved me then? Horses! My horse saved my life….so I went on a mission to get a horse..then more to keep him company and suddenly I had 25 for awhile…hard work for a woman of 35, at the time, and driving back and forth 140 miles per day to school..building over a mile of fence…but I did it. I gave the dream to myself. Just take one of those dreams and say it out loud and keep saying it to the Universe and life will find a way to make it happen..you will find a way to make it happen. The world needs people like you, people like you are such good people that you cannot take your anger and frustration at life out on others, rather you direct it inwards to yourself..thus dark thoughts…you know what they say about darkness, that light, illumination, casts out darkness. So apply the light and then apply love to yourself. See yourself as the beautiful little child that lives inside of you and give those dreams to yourself..even just one.

tired_wanderer
You are a miracle of life..one in a billion. Odds are that you would never have lived…all of us for that matter. If you were to look at the eons of time and how life itself evolved. Just think…that coupling of genetic material that created you was so incredible and one in billions. You are not here by some random slight of hand or to be here to hurt and ache..you were uniquely created for joy. The pain that you feel is the potter carving you, like a cup, and all of the pain is all of the joy you can contain. When your sorrow is on your bed ,your joy is on your bedside for they are linked. Let your thoughts be for that joy which the potter has carved out of your sorrow. Joy and sorrow are linked. So let your sorrow awaken you to the Joy sitting at your bedside. Open your eyes, time to awaken to you true and miraculous self. You are the love you are looking for…you are a miracle!