I think the idea suicide has only one advantage.
It never goes away.
Since I have decided that no matter what happens in the coming years I am NOT going to kill myself, I have had this thought running through my unconscious mind.
“It’s not like the oppurtunity is going to go away”.
It’s not. No matter what happens, the oppurtunity to commit suicide will never go away as long as I am alive. It’s free will, if I don’t want to wait to get old and die then I could just end it myself someday, when I feel like I have lived my life to the fullest and I am ready to go.
I know it sounds very dark, but I have really been pondering this and I have realized that to me its kind of a comforting thought. I mean, so what if I end up really really sick like Alyson or Cameron? I’d like to have some sort of…back-up plan.
That’s what suicide is for me, it’s a back up plan, a plan b, a way out.
For some reason this new realization of mine is making me feel better, as weird as that sounds. Like, I want to heal and progress and get over everything that is holding me back from being happy, and I know I can do it, and if for some reason I feel like I’m done being happy and I’ve lived my life the way I wanted too and want to end it on a good note, then at least I have that choice.
Maybe all of this sounds completely crazy, all I know is that I’m ready to be the person I once was before all this depression and suicide stuff happened, so I’ve only got one more thing to say about life.
BRING IT ON.
4 comments
Cheering for you, Violet!! Why not try reading some inspirational stuff like”The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch and Tuesday with Morrie and Happiness….ma make you feel better and give you a blue print for feeling happy…here is a secret to that I learned as a kid…Happiness is not an end goal….It is a way of Going Through Life. You do not approach it by saying if I do this, or if this person loves me, or if this happens, or if I buy this…I will be Happy. You just act like a happy person and decide that is the vehicle you will travel in…I am so proud and yes, happy for you :)! WhooHoo!!!
thanks connee!!! of course im still going to keep writing on here, I could never leave everyone on here just hanging, they need me too much 🙂 and i know i have a long way to go before I’m anywhere close to healing, and i know that even tho i may heal i will alwyays have my scars, its ok. Im not afraid anymore, and its mostly because of the people on here being so loving and supportive. I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!! 🙂
~Violet Esmerelda Blake
For the literary sake of this site, yes, you are REQUIRED to keep posting. You have such a strong voice in your writing and mastery of language V.E.B.
How is young Alyson doing? I want you to know that when I first started coming here one of the first posts I read was how you two met in the hospital. That shit was so, god you’ll have to help me here with a word or some imagery, divine? That’s coming from the world’s most cold hearted, uncaring, pessimistic bastard too ( aka me)… Well ever since then I daily think about how much I wish I could give my life to someone like her. She’s just an innocent in all this Violet, she deserves the chance to live a full life. She deserves my life! I just drudge around hating the world and myself, shooting dope, isolating, loathing, shit…wasting my chance at life I suppose you would say. The thing is I just don’t give a fuck. I’m sorry for the obscenity dear but it’s the only way to truly express my complete disillusionment with life in the vernacular. I really no longer care about anything. How terrible is that? That I should be allowed to continue destroying myself and wasting my life when there are so many wonderful other people out there that don’t have health and youth. The thought of that little girl wasting away in a bed goes through my mind all the time yo. It haunts me. I’m wasting away in my mind and spirit and this wonderful, brave, and intelligent little girl gets to die a slow death from cancer.
Sigh…
I’m glad you are feeling better though. I guess somehow you have figured out a reason to live and blinded yourself to all the reasons one should not. Forgive me if my congratulations on your new sunny outlook seems half hearted. It’s just hard to glare up from my dark, damp, pit of despair and misery, and see anyone happy. Even the infamous Violet Blake. Do take care AND POST!
@_: That little underscore defines you so well sometimes i must say. I will be posting more on Alyson, although since I have been out of town she seems to be doing better, i mean, she hasnt died yet like I expected her too, and she also expected, so she is doing better. I call her every day while I’m away. She’s my most important person, I’d give her anything in the whole world if I could. Look, I know Alyson and if she could hear u saying these things like wanting to give ur life for hers and thinking ur just a waste, then she would be PISSED. Even if that were possible, even if someone so depressed wanted to give their life for Alyson’s, she would never in a million years allow it. Trust me, Ive discussed it with her. Alyson wants everyone to live their lives as if they were going to die the next day because she feels like everyone is just moping around waiting for life to get better and its not going too unless they get off their asses and try. and thats coming from a sweet, naive little eleven year old girl. I agree with her, if I hadnt gotten off my own ass and gotten myself some REAL help (writing on this site) i never wouldve found the strength to get better.
Btw, im not infamous, at least I dont think so.
~V.E.B.