I think the ideaÂ suicide has only one advantage.
It never goes away.
Since I have decided that no matter what happens in the coming years I am NOT going to kill myself, I have had this thought running through my unconscious mind.
“It’s not like the oppurtunity is going to go away”.
It’s not. No matter what happens, the oppurtunity to commit suicide will never go away as long as I am alive. It’s free will, if I don’t want to wait to get old and die then I could just end it myself someday, when I feel like I have lived my life to the fullest and I am ready to go.
I know it sounds very dark, but I have really been pondering this and I have realized that to me its kind of a comforting thought. I mean, so what if I end up really really sick like Alyson or Cameron? I’d like to have some sort of…back-up plan.
That’s what suicide is for me, it’s a back up plan, a plan b, a way out.
For some reason this new realization of mine isÂ making me feel better, as weird as that sounds. Like, I want to heal and progress and get over everything that is holding me back from being happy, and I know I can do it, and if for some reason I feel like I’m done being happy and I’ve lived my life the way I wanted too and want to end it on a good note, then at least I have that choice.
Maybe all of this sounds completely crazy, all I know is that I’m ready to be the personÂ I once was before all this depression and suicide stuff happened, so I’ve only got one more thing to say about life.
BRING IT ON.