My reasons for wanting to suicide comes from the immense loneliness I’ve felt even when I was surrounded by groups of friends. I always got the feeling that no one quite understood me. The people around me just seem to connect better with others and I desperately wanted to be like them. In order to find sanction I would day dream about the perfect romance in which I would never be alone. In a way, I was escaping from reality in order to cope. But there were still days when I felt that if I simply disappeared no one would care and I’d actually be doing society a favor. The thought of no one caring about me or even showing me recognition terrified and depressed me. I wanted to die.
Currently, I’ve been feeling elated. I love myself deeply. I would share how I came to this point but it would be a long story and I don’t think many people would be up to reading a novel lol. All I can say is that, you may not think your life is significant but it is. Do you know how powerful your life is? You can inspire, love, teach, belong, create, dance, hold, sing, touch, smell, and live. If your not going to live for others, than live for yourself, because your fucking worth it, no matter what you did. You could have hurt someone, murdered a person, stole, but the fact that you feel bad about it, horrible even, shows that you care, care quite a lot. Care enough to do something radical about it, so I ask, why not change yourself? Become the person you’ve always wanted to be, no one’s stopping you,but….perhaps yourself.
I want to live because I want to love. Cheesy and a bit cliche, but that’s who I am, can’t really change that for anyone. And I’m not sorry about it either.
5 comments
I know that lonely feeling. Are you sure you feel it eevry second, every moment? I get lost in my emotions and I don’t feel lonely all the time. I am healing right now and I have alot of things stopping me from slitting my wrists. I know exactly how you feel about the loe thing. Can i tell you a story? if so tell me 🙂
Well that’s just the thing. I’m a terrible person. I’m a thief, a liar, a drug addict, failure, bastard, disgrace. My problem isn’t any of those things though. My problem is that I just don’t give a fuck, not for your life, and certainly not for my own. I don’t care about anything and I never will. I don’t know who I am or who the person I’m supposed to be is. It’s like I died a long time ago yet my body continues forward unaware. You know that when they would behead people with the Guillotine sometimes a headless body would stand up and even walk a few paces before falling over? I am the chicken with its head cut off, an empty shell stumbling through the world …
But that isn’t the worse part. The worst part is my complete indifference toward these facts. My desire for everyone to feel as I feel. If I only could I’d set the world on fire.
“There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone, in fact I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape, but even after admitting this there is no catharsis, my punishment continues to elude me and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself; no new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing.”
_
Very interesting! At least you had the courage to share the truth about yourself so openly. I admire your honesty man
A man was invited as one of the guests in various series of different tv talk shows. But his look I don’t like, the calmness with the sense of untouchable, not much one can get if befriending someone so dull or seems unwilling of sharing with others.
And he represents the business of funeral service.
Once he revealed his own story. When young he was a gangster, a nobody of just following orders but very good at understanding the requirement of his boss’s mere flick of an eye. Soon he was promoted and
gaining status. Killing to him was never a difficult job. And he had been fugitive to other country, and also his boss got killed in some fight, and his later being the head of the mob. So he became so famous that the police targeted him and nailed his murder act, and he was sentenced to prison. After 10 years of prison, he got amnesty from the new presidency. The change finally took on him, at seeing the justice in the gangster’s life was just a dream of vanity.
Friendship that he valued but finding just a game of play in the mob, never real. He began looking forward leading a new way of life. He was then in the construction work. Once he was yelled and cursed, at being stupid and impotent at his job, that struck him a moment of blank, thinking how come someone would address him like that, never would have happened in his
mob life, so instead of beating the hell out of him, he said, “OK, coming up.”
Not long, he settled down and married. And some opportunity came up that he went into the funeral business.
But the stench of corpse at first so unbearable, especially those rotten, recovered from river so inflated that limbs were easily be torn apart, or those discovered from house that some people who hanged with tongue so horrible long that stretched to its neck, then he had to clean the hills of maggots and got the corpse ready for police’s photo shooting for forensic edvidence.
Now he is already at ease, even doing the make up job for those deceased’s relatives to have their last look. Even at ease at managing how to prevent the maggots from crawling out from the dead face during the service.
Now being the head of the company, sometimes the poor knocked on his door, he even prepared service for them free.
The blessings he received from the people thank to the services he served, are totally worthwhile he thinks, never could have been the same while he was in the mob.
What I understand is that, one’s character may not change, but his way of endeavour may totally be different.
Even he served in the killing of others while in mob, now he is serving too in the death industry.
The difference is just, in bad or good deeds, physical vanities or spiritual comfort.
Why are defective people worth it?
The way I see it, some of us with broken brains and mental disorders are like…toasters that you buy from Walmart. Not a good Walmart, the crappy Walmart all the hood hang out at. So you say one day to yourself, I want some toast.
You drive down to the Walmart and buy yourself a medium-priced toaster with a few settings. Hell, it even has a bagel slot. That’s pretty awesome. So you take your toaster home, and make yourself some delicious toast. Well, this relationship goes on for two whole weeks before your toaster breaks and burns half your wall. You’re like, Gahh, but it’s a nice toaster, so instead of throwing it out, you get it repaired. Okay. So you make some awesome toast, and say, “I’m glad I got it fixed instead of dumping it.”
Well, two weeks later, it breaks again. You like your toaster, so you get it fixed again, despite the fact that you’ve now spent half the money you did buying it getting it fixed. And the cycle doesn’t end — you quickly break negatively even in repairs. It’s the same problem every time, too. You have a defective machine, and it’s going to keep breaking. So instead of dealing with years of your wall being roasted crispy, you either take that sumbitch back to Walmart, or you throw it out. More than likely you throw it out, and go get a useful, worthy model.
Because a defective machine is worthless. It can’t perform the functions it was created for, so why does it exist? It simply takes up space.
Let’s apply that to a person. A person whose issues lead them to screw up the same way time and time again, dragging other people with them — what use is someone like that? Why are crazy people like me worth anything?
Those than can get better — they have hope. They have worth as people. But those that can’t…I don’t see what makes them worth the effort of keeping them around.
It is nice to see someone make their way out of the darkness and decide that they want to live, as well as embrace their worth as a person aside from their actions/mistakes, though. Keep on walking and never look back if you can help it.