I wish I had a reason. I wish I had an excuse. I wish I had gotten molested as a child; I wish my dad beat me. I need a fucking reason – some problem that I can fix, some underlying cause that can explain my disconnect. But there’s no reason.
I cannot connect with humanity. People are strange. I don’t know what they want to hear. I don’t know how to interact with them. When I’m around people, I want to be a alone. When I’m alone, I want to be with people. I suppose there’s some primal, tribal urge that my mind cannot suppress. Humans need other humans. We bleed, shit, and fuck together, and after eighty years, our essence ceases and we vanish into oblivion for the rest of eternity. Does that make a lot of sense to you? Not really. Our purpose on this rock is to perpetuate our species. Why? Natural selection, of course. Only those who want to survive do so. I think I’m about to be selected against, if you know what I mean.
I find the prospect of eternity perversely frightening and entrancing. I want to close my eyes, forget my name, and just fucking CEASE, you know? Nothing means anything. My social failures? I could fix them, maybe, if I wanted to, but what’s the fucking point? I, ME, I’m a nebulous spark of life trapped inside of a fleshy cage located on a infinitesimal rock in the middle of a lifeless, dead, infinite universe. In seventy years (hopefully sooner) my spark will be doused and my essence will be dissipated to every corner of this empty fucking universe. It’s fucking worthless. Every smile, every sunny summer day, every passionate kiss, rendered purposeless by the curse of transience. Nothing lasts. Hedonism is the only reasonable course of action. Do a lot of drugs. Fuck a lot of girls/guys, whatever you’re into. That’s the only point, right? Momentary sparks of pleasure. Cause once you pass beyond the veil, everything you’ve ever accomplished is gone.
I don’t know what the hell I’m trying to say. I think I’ll masturbate, fall asleep, and wake up in the morning and tell myself that I don’t hate myself. But I’ll know that I’m lying.