Why me.

  June 6th, 2010 by Jimmehrulezd00d

Depression, for me, started at age 15.

When my idol died from cancer. My Grandfather, had passed away in the beginning of 9th grade.

I always talked so highly of him, and i looked at him like the person i wanted to be.

He could do anything, and it would be the right thing to do.

He could fix anything, and help me and the family with anything you could possibly imagine.

It seemed like my whole life was turned upside down from that day. October 26th 2008. The day, i despise with all of the hatred life could fathom.

He was dead, i was in denial for months to come.

In late november, of 2008, my Aunt Jeanie, had also passed away. This was WAY too much a tole to take on me and the family.

Especially my grandpas wife. Having lost the love of her life to cancer, now her aunt died. Within a month from each other, nonetheless.

It killed me to see her upset,

After October, 26th 2008,

I ditched my friends every friday, and slept over her house every friday until mid april 2009.

This helped both of us deal with the depression. She got over it much quicker because she believed in God. She believed they would meet again, which made her less sad. I happen to believe otherwise. There is no god, when you die you either get Cremated, or your body just rots in the ground. These beliefs made me even more depressed. Grandma got Grandpa cremated, so it made it A LITTLE better to know that something as little as Grandpas ashes was in the house with us.

At the time, i was not in a relationship, but i wasn’t looking. I  had my eye on a great girl who i later, took for granted. We first went out on June, 1st, 2008. We were always an “On and off” couple since June, 18th, 2008. When she left me. End of eighth grade. I didn’t let go though, because before june 1st we were best friends since the first day of school! i wanted this to work out.

By the day of my Grandpas death, We were “off.” STILL, But we were not counting on getting back together. Until i looked back at the relationship in December, 2008. (After my grandpas death.)

Suffering from SEVERE depression, i looked at how happy i was with her in june, and how gorgeous, and perfect she was.

I really liked her; She had moved on, or at least tried too. She was with someone.

She made the meaning in my life.

I was depressed in general, but happy with the fact that her relationship could fail, and i would have another attempt.

Unfortunately, I had to wait a few months after my grandpa died to get back with her.

We still talked during this ‘break’, and were best friends.

Dwelling in the past for so long, I fell in love with her. (on the ‘break’.) And Fortunately, her and her boyfriend got into a fight, and broke up in may.

I made my move, and we got back together. This was June, 1st, 2009.

This had to be my first happy feeling since the day before my grandpa died.

I was content with the relationship. So was she, We broke up on June, 8th, 2009, because i was stupid, and thought she was treating me bad.

Since then we were once again, “On and off”.

In august, Cancer struck again, this time on my aunt. Aunt Kathy passed away in August. Once again, i was that much more depressed.

At least death gave us 9 month interval to deal with, before he had struck again.

Since the death of Aunt Kathy, there has been much more deaths.

Including the death of my “On and off” relationship. On November 28th 2009. Words could not describe all of the things i felt of this girl, and she cheated on me. This was both of our faults, but i still blame no one. As much as i want to say she picked a bad time to cheat on me, because i was so deep in depression, i can’t. I still think to this day that if i wasn’t so depressed and she cheated on me, i would’ve reacted differently. I blame this on cancer, for causing me to be depressed, thus causing me to push this girl out of my life, and causing me to act like i did. I wish i could go back in time, but i can’t.

The emptiness had overcome me. I felt nothing but sorrow.Since that day, i spent my days not caring, and just doing whatever i felt like without considering consequences.

During this period of time i was a complete dick to all of my friends. Therefore, i lost most of them, or just lost connection with them in general. I experimented with friendships, and just didn’t care about a thing.

Not to mention all of this happening, for whatever reason, people at school would judge, and make fun of me. Calling me a fag, homo, and gay.

Not that i was ever planning on being gay; but after a while of constant bullying you give in and start to question yourself. After my relationship came crashing down, i realized that girls are bitches. Thus, making me have no feelings towards the human race in general,  Depression made me lose any interest i had in people, school, and even video games.

After November 28 2009, i was depressed and confused. This girl, who claimed to be in love with me, had a boyfriend 2 weeks later. I don’t think you or anyone else can imagine what i feel like after these deaths, and now THIS. I was furious, and hurt.

My cousin ricky then in early December of 2009.

Having been months between the last death on my moms side of the family, Aunt Kathy, we were just starting to get over everything thats happened. The death of Ricky, brought back memories from Grandpa, Aunt Kathy, and Aunt Jeanie.

Then, Grandma was diagnosed with cancer. Died on December 14, 2009. The deaths prior to this one were all deaths on my moms side of the family, This death, was on my dads. My grandma dying, devastated that side of the family since they had never had a major death like my moms side of the family did.

This, was crushing.

To see everyone crying once again,

So soon after the tragic loss of my girlfriend, Grandpa, and Aunt Kathy.

October, 26th. I hate you first. December 14th. I hate you second. November, 28. I hate you third.

After the death of my Grandmother, no one has died. My entire family now has time to get over everything.

All of these deaths, and the loss of my girlfriend, and getting bullied, had taken a bigger tole on me then everyone thought. Getting made fun of and bullied day in and day out really made me question myself if i was gay. The question remained, until i was put on new OCD medication. Which was supposed to prioritize my priorities. I felt attracted to guys and girls while on this medication. Which meant i was bisexual. I had some days in which i felt bi, and some were strictly straight days. This is very confusing, but eventually i learned to deal with it. I just told all of my friends, Since they are very accepting, that this is happening, and i feel satisfied with that part of my life. Although, i still get bullied for this. It does piss me off, and it makes me sad, and deppressssssed.

I never told my parents that i was depressed; But my friends knew.

Since early january i’ve reconnected with all of my friends, and i’m still depressed.

I spent all of the alone time i had while not hanging out with my friends reading dark and gloomy stories, that made my life look like heaven, and making up philosophies that would help me get through these high school years. They say, Self talk and Self belief has a lot to do with your mental state.

I took those words to heart, and decided i would start to try and self talk my way into feeling happy again.

I’ve created mental boxes to organize my thoughts, and i’ve created ways and methods to get around without getting hurt by people.

Although i’m still depressed, i put fake smiles up in front of friends and family so they can still have fun around me.

I’m in recovery. And i think if i stick to my morals, i’ll be fine.

But. Now, my other Grandma has breast cancer. Memories are surfaced once again.

This is the reason why i’m writing this, Writing helps me think, and i need time to myself.

I figured, in writing, i might as well share it with people who are interested in this sort of thing.

By the way, I’m 16. Depression started at 15.

All of this in one year; hectic. and life destroying.

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