will it ever get better?

My whole life has been one traumatic event after another. Most of my young childhood memories are of my mother beating on my older brother and sister. When my older sister got married and moved out of the house my mother then turned her aggression towards me. It wasnt so bad as long as i stayed out of her sight. So that is what i did. We moved to texas when I was 12. The first couple of months mother was oddly pleasant. It felt like things may be getting better. Guess again! It was just the calm before the storm. Mother on top of the beatings began destroying my things. When i was 13 i had finally had enough. I was sitting in a chair one day and my mother punched me in the face. I snapped. I jumped up and hit her back. My step dad grabbed me and began dragging me down to my room. I bit him while trying to get away. he locked me in my room with a skeleton key. I crawled out my window and waited for the police to get there. I was put in juvenile detention for family violence. 3 days later i was released. when i got home my mother wouldnt let me shower or change clothes. She cornered me in the kitchen and began beating on me again. I knew I couldnt hit her but I had to get away so I grabbed some lemon pepper that was on the stove and threw it in her face. she called the police and I was back in juvenile detention less than 3 hours after my release. The courts then put me in a shelter for abused children. I stayed there for about a month and then went to stay with my best friend and her family. They filed for custody of me but my mother began causing them problems so I was sent to a children’s home. 5 months after I came to stay at the children’s home new house parents got hired. I was put into their cottage. apparently the didnt screen them very well because the house dad molested me. I told my teacher at school and was moved to another cottage that day. Within a week I was given back to my mother. While I was in the children’s home my m other moved 5 hours away. My stepdad picked me up from the children’s home. As soon as we got to the house he gave me $16 and said “all i know is that you went on a walk and didn’t come back”. I took the hint and began walking until i found a pay phone. I called my sister and she called the runaway hotline. They called the local police and an officer picked me up. He drove me to the police station in Denton since Lake Dallas was a small town. They took up a collection from the officers on duty and got me a bus ticket to my sisters. I was at my sisters for a couple weeks when my step dad showed up with the police and took me back to Lake Dallas. Within a month my mother was back to beating me so I ran away. When the police found me I was put in juvenile detention. I was released back to my mother and cps was called again. I denied that there was any problem because i rather deal with my mother than be molested again. The beatings stopped after cps came. My mother saw how being locked up hurt me so she began kicking me out and calling me in as a runaway. One time I was arrested for being a runaway when i was sitting in my own livingroom. I was arrested 17 times for being a runaway and served 8 months in bootcamp where they broke my finger and didnt treat it for 6 weeks. it took 4 months of therapy to regain mobility in it. When I was 16 my sister had some legal issues and had to leave 2 of her kids with mom while she worked things out. My mom quit answering her calls within a couple weeks. My mother had new kids so she rented an apartment and paid it up for a month and left me there with no food. My best friend mom had to buy me food and then called my probation officer. my probation officer showed up at my apartment and told me that she know that my step dad wasnt staying in that one bedroom apartment with me and that she wanted my parents charged with child abandonment. I told her that I wasnt going to go to another childrens home to be molested and that I will deny being abandoned. Soon after that I got a call from my boyfriends mom. My boyfriend was shot and killed. I lost it. I ate a bottle of pills and ended up in the state hospital. A failed marriage and another suicide attempt later my relationship with my mother began to mend. When i was 20 i had my son. His daddy was never in the picture and i was living with an abusive boyfriend. things got so bad i had to have my mom pick up my son and then i ate a bottle of sleeping pills. Oddly i was released from the hospital as soon as I was well enough to go home. While my boyfriend was at work i had a locksmith change the transponder code on our car and began moving out. My boyfriend showed up while i was moving and flipped out. He beat the hell out of me in the middle of the street. He was still beating me when the police showed up. He was arrested. I got an apartment and called my mother and told her I was coming to pick up my son. She refused to let me pick him up. A couple hours later I got a call from the county attorneys office and was told that i had a warrent for a bad check i wrote when i was 19. I arranged for a walk through at the jail the next day but when i woke up my car was gone. my mother called my ex and told him where the car was. I had to barrow my sisters truck to do the walk through and then I went to pick up my son. my mother wouldnt give him to me so I called the sherrifs office. the wouldnt help me. I didnt know what to do. I went up to the sherrifs department almost everyday for a month before they agreed to charge my mother. They said it would take a couple days. This was on may 8th. May 10th was my son’s first birthday and my step dad called and said I could see my son. I was waiting on the steps with my son’s gifts when my step dad pulled up but a white pt cruiser pulled up behind him. It was a process server serving me with custody papers. All I could do was cry and ask my step dad if I could still see nathaniel. he told me no. I was so sad. I had lost everything. I hung a noose but still had $100 in my pocket so I decided to walk over to applebees and get good and drunk before I finished the task. I sat at a table in the corner and drank a few while trying to keep from crying. A man who had been watching me since i arrived approached me. He asked me what was wrong and wouldnt take nothing as an answer. I broke down and told him everything. He told me I havent lost my son yet and he wasnt going to just let me kill myself. He took me home with him and i stayed a couple weeks. My situation wasnt exactly stable so my mother got temporary custody. I visited Nathaniel weekly while I got my life together. I worked at a diner and lived in a travel trailer for a couple months. I met my daughters father and we moved in together. I got probation for my hot check and then found out I was pregnant with my daughter. My sister kidnapped one of her kids from my mother and my mother asked me to help locate her. My sister was a little crazy so I helped my mother locate her. My mother and I began talking again. She asked to to sign joint custody papers and I told her that i loved her but David (my daughters dad ) would never let me do that. within a week my mother convinced me that david was cheating on me and I left him. I moved in with her since I couldnt work due to my high risk pregnancy. I signed the joint custody papers and signed up with an adoption agency to give my daughter up for adoption. My mother had me convinced that I was the most worthless person to ever live. 2 months after i came to stay with my mother I decided to keep my daughter. When I told her that i was keeping her and the thought of giving her away hurt me so bad i couldnt stand it my mothers response was “your not keeping her and i hope this hurts you as bad as possible”. I called my grandma and asked her if i could stay with her. I told my mother that i was moving out and I was keeping the baby and she attacked me. I got away and grabbed the phone and called 911. she unplugged the phone so i ran into her room and locked myself in and called 911 again. my mother yelled through the door ” they can arrest me at my attorneys”. I went into early labor and was taken to the hospital. They kept me overnight and my grandma picked me up. I stayed at my grandmas lake house till I got funding for an apartment. I moved into an apartment 26 days before my daughter trinity was born. Was blessed enough to get everything i needed for her room given to me. I got a legal aid attorney and filed to modify the order with my son since my mother wasnt letting me see him. My daughter was born June 26 2007. Within 2 weeks i got a job with pained legends equine dentistry as an equine dental assistant. I had a court order for my son to be dropped off at my apartment every saturday and it was actually happening. everything was going right for once in my life. when I went to my doctor for a checkup i was told that I had to have a hysterectomy.  Trinity was just a newborn and I didnt have anyone I trusted to look after her so I sent her to oklahoma to stay with my biological father (who gave up his rights to me when i was 4) I had my surgery when Trinity was 7 weeks old. I was released from the hospital and the next day i couldnt even focus to send a text message. My friends thought it was just the pain medicine but then my attorney showed up at my apartment to drop me off a care package. He asked my friends how long I had been in that condition and told them to get me to the hospital. I was bleeding internally. A couple days in the hospital and a blood transfusion later i was back home. I had several complications from the surgery but I missed trinity so much I had my dad bring her back 3 weeks after my surgery. Infection set in and my fever was 102.9. I was so sick i couldnt take care of Trinity so my dad picked her back up. he was to bring her back in 3 more weeks. Right before my daughter was due to come home i got a call from my grandma. she was so upset my phone number was the only number she could remember. My sister April had been murdered. I had to call my mother and tell her the news. my mother showed no emotion. all she said was ok. I called my dad and told him that he needed to keep trinity a little longer because i wasnt alright. I got things together for the service and my brother that i hadnt seen in 10 years flew in from hawii. my brother and i went out a couple days after the service and he told me that my dad had faxed something to my mom about custody of my daughter. i was smart enough to have custody papers signed by a judge before i sent my daughter to oklahoma. I told my brother to get somebody to pick him up and i drove to oklahoma. when i got there i couldnt remember what house was his and i called my dad. i told him i was picking up trinity and he told me no. i drove to the police station and had them come to his house with me. by the time we got there he was already gone. the police said to come back the next day with a certified copy of the custody order. I drove back to texas and came back the next day with the papers. the sherrif looked at them and said “texas order no good” and tossed them on the floor. i called the DA, govener, national center for missing and exploited children, oklahoma state beuro of investigation and got nowhere. then I called the fbi and finally got some response. a motion to revoke was filed on my probation for an earlier arrest but did a walk through at the jail. While i was dealing with that issue my father filed for custody of trinity in oklahoma. so Agent holmes called me and told me he couldnt do anything to help me since this was now a civil matter. I retained an attorney here in texas and got an order commanding police to pick up my daughter and return her to me and for me to bring her to court 3 business days after the order was served. I took the order to oklahoma to be served and again the sheriff said that it was no good in oklahoma. A federal act called the UCCJEA (uniform child custody jurisdiction and enforcement act) states that full faith and credit is to be given to any custody determination from any state. I guess oklahoma doesnt have to follow that. i then retained an attorney in oklahoma. the legal fees began to stack up and so I had no choice but to become a stripper to fund getting my daughter back. an emergency custody hearing took 6 months to be completed and then they gave temporary  custody of trinity to my father. it was illegal as hell so a few months later the ruling was overturned and then dismissed. my daughter was held illegally in oklahoma for nearly a year.  June 6th 2008 a process server showed up at my day job and served me with custody papers filed under my maiden name. what a crooked thing to do. file a case under my maiden name so that the cases wouldnt be merged together. I retained yet another attorney. $5000 retainer fee and then $437 a week after that. I was waitressing during the day and dancing at night and when needed working for painted legends. within a month my retainer was used up and we havent even been to court yet. I was working my ass off but gettin nowhere. I was so tired that I fell off the pole and broke my ankle. now I went from working 3 jobs to not being able to work at all. I lost my attorney, my apartment and was about to lose my car. Continued pro-se and filed my own motions. was drowned in paperwork. was sanctioned for not getting the disclosure and discovery in by the deadline. i did get the interrogatories and admissions in but the judge ordered that i couldnt present any defense other than a general denial. So at the final hearing i stood there as they crucified me. I lost the case. then my mother decided that she didnt have to follow the order for me to see my son and the judge didnt want to hear my motion for enforcement.  i tried to do my jail time for my probation but was picked up from jail by my PO and taken 6 hours away to a restitution facility that didnt even take misdemeanor cases. I had to have my grandma wire me money for a bus ticket back to fort worth. At that point i couldnt take it anymore. I had been strong for so long. compromised my morals and still lost everything. 24 years old with no uterus, lost both children to my parents, and got screwed by the state. I turned to meth. everything was great for a while. but then i lost my car. got clean. but havent seen my daughter in a year and a half and my son since last november. I have nothing and today is my daughters 3rd birthday. I am tired of being tired and I have ran out of places to go. I give up****************************************************************************************************************************************

Status update as of April 16 2013

Yes it will get better and it has. Things got a whole lot worst first but then everything just magically started falling into place one piece at a time. My mother is great now and has been for almost a year. I am currently living with her , my step father and MY SON in harmony.  I have been clean of meth since july 18th 2012. I still havent gotten to see my daughter yet but my mother and my son visit her monthly and i have gotten pictures of her. this last visit my dad said that she had started asking questions about where she came from like if she came out of his wifes tummy and he told her no. He told my mother that if she asks again he is going to tell her about me and then he is going to let me see her.

I didnt think i would live to see the day that i would wake up and be happy to be alive but here i am.

If i can make it through what i have then so can you.