It started with pety family drama. My dad being constantly drunk and/or high. My grandmother drinking 24/7. my brother and sister on there own and my mother working all day with school on the side. Leaving me basically alone for most of my life.
I have dealt with it in many ways. Venting, smoking, cutting, screaming, sleeping, and most recently taking drugs not knowing what they are and hoping that i dont wake up.
Recently my house is going to be foreclosed which led to my father constantly being drunk and constantly yelling and fighting. I just cant take the bull shit anymore.
And tonight was the cherry on top of it all. I have never seen my dad like this before….rediculously stoned and drunk and he scared me. For the first time I showed emotion and cried. My brother came home and yelled at him and defended me, but all my dad could say was “fuck you and get out of my life”. He refuses to talk to me now and i feel like i have only fucked up even more. i just deserve to die….i cant take it….i dont think things will ever get any better.
2 comments
Your family being fucked up is not your fault, and their dysfunction doesn’t mean that you’re the one that deserves to die.
Not anywhere in your list of things you’ve done to deal did I see ‘I killed animals, raped people, killed anyone’ — you’ve only done things to hurt yourself, not others. And unless you’re the central cause of your family being fucked up — and I doubt you are, you’re neither responsible nor deserve the punishment for their failure to be a cohesive family.
I know it sounds empty and cliched coming from a stranger, but I understand what you’re going through. A few summers ago my dad spent all his time asleep or ignoring everyone or fussing, my mother was suicidal and would only confide in me, my sister was oblivious and refused to acknowledge any of it, and my grandmother did the same thing. My house was a freaking nightmare. It hasn’t changed much, although my mom isn’t suicidal anymore, and in some ways it’s worse. For awhile I wanted to kill myself because I felt as if the reason everything was screwed up was me, and that my death would polarize everyone into acting like a family again. Which landed me in the psych ward for a little while. Things aren’t happy and shiny now, and the fact that I’m a regular poster/lurker these days is a sign that they’re still bad — but I’m not berating myself over my family anymore. They’re separate people, and it’s up to them to deal with their problems.
I’m sorry you have to go through this — is there any way you can move out somehow? Or stay with anyone else? : (
Hoping you can escape soon — if you need a ranting buddy, my email’s kageri_no_aika@hotmail.com. I’m no expert, nor am I a therapist or someone who knows what she’s talking about by any means, but I know that kind of environment can’t be healthy, and if you could get out of it I imagine things might look a helluva lot brighter.
your dad needs to grow up and act like a responsible adult. but you can also make better choices than doing drugs or cutting. Drugs don’t make the problems go away, often they just end up making you dependent on them as an escape from reality. But once the high wears off you’re back to the exact same place you were before. It’s like what your dad is doing now with alcohol. You are mature enough to make choices that will help you in the future. Like doing well in school, making good friends, participating in extracurriculars, getting involved in the community, learning how to communicate well outside of your family, etc. Unless you have someone else to live with, you will probably be stuck with your family for now…but you don’t have to stay with them forever. Once you are an adult and can provide for yourself, you can move out and do your own thing. But in order to do that you should have a good education.