Hiii. I’m a 17 year old girl and i hate everyone. Everyone at my school likes to spread rumors around that i’m actually a boy, because technically i used to be one and people from my middle school/freshman year of hs remember that (i “transitioned” like a year and a half ago). But i pass extremely well (like my voice is good and everything) and i have a straight bf and stuff, and a lot of my friends don’t even know about “that”. People still make fun of me though, and everyone thinks i’m a total freak. Like i’ve been followed home before and been threatened with rape so they could “find out what’s down there”. And even those friends who don’t know still find ways to hate on me. Like once i was talking to one of them and i made a joke where i was like lol i’m a lesbian, and she was like, really? i thought you had a bf, and i was like no but he’s actually a girl xD (ok i know it was a weird joke to begin with idk you would have to get the context), and then she was like oh lol is it that guy that wants to get a sex change? i’ve heard about him; he’s a total freak. She was referring to me and didn’t even know it lol. So basically i can’t rely on anyone except my bf, who can be unreliable sometimes cause of mood disorders, and i *thought* my family, until one day one of my friends (who does know about “that”) told me that my brother told his friends that i’m a freak and i have “issues”. He did this to me before when i was in middle school and he told everyone that i was a ******, but our relationship was a lot rockier back then. It’s just weird because i actually thought we were on good terms cause at home he’s really supportive to my face. So now the only people i have left in the whole world are my bf, my mom and my best friend kyle (who is going through the same thing but isn’t as far along yet). But honestly that’s not enough. With everyone else who knows i’m either condescended to, outright hated or backstabbed, and with everyone who doesn’t know i always have to feel like i’m hiding something from them and i have to be like a super paragon of a hot woman to not be found out (and to validate myself to the people who do know. this is also a problem of mine, i am so ocd about looking my best and my appearance that i’m usually late to school by like an hour every day, but that’s also just because i hate school so idk). I’m tired of being a second class citizen, and i know that i’ll never be the same as everyone else and the problem will never actually solve itself. So i tried to jump off an office building a few days ago. I had been planning on it for months. But as i was going up the stairs to the roof (it was 11 stories; do you think that’s tall enough?) some people in business suits or w/e gave me these “why are YOU here?” kind of looks, and i became terrified of them trying to stop me. And idk. I really lost my fear of death because i know that if i die i won’t regret it because i’ll be dead so i can’t regret anything, so there’s no reason not to die. But my fear of being found out and stopped is reaching near paranoia levels. Like i started cutting myself a week ago, and i have around 25 cuts all over my arms and i constantly have to wear long itchy gloves, cause i don’t own anything long sleeved, to cover them up. I’m really scared someone is going to see them and find out about everything and then make me go to like some facility or something where i don’t have control over my own body anymore. I should have the right to die, so why do people have to try and take it away from me? I feel like i’m always being judged. So i guess i’m asking two things: how can i better hide my cuts and how can i get over this extreme fear of being found out? Apologies for rant btw :3.
EDIT: Oh yeah and i’m also terrified of failure too. Like what if i jump and i end up all paralyzed and stuff and then i won’t be able to try again while the stupid people around me try to keep me “alive”. I guess i could also look into different methods but i’m really fixated on this whole jumping thing. So yeah how can i get over that too?
EDITEDIT: Uhh sorry adding more to the rant lol but i meant to mention this. I only started being really effected by the whole everyone hates me thing, or more accurately noticing i was being effected and wanting to do something about it, when a friend of mine who was also tg (ftm) hung himself. It dawned on me that i wanted to kill myself too and he was just more courageous than me because i’m a stupid coward, and it also really brought to light how society literally kills people like him and how i don’t want to be a part of that. So yeah idk how to get over that either. End of rant officially i swearrr.
5 comments
Well, trust me, people start to care when they realize they’d miss you.
But yeah, if your a senior at your school you can tough it out for the last couple weeks right? Then you’d be in college and no one would know.
If your a junior, ask your mom if you can switch schools.
Plus, when i had troubles similar to this you just gotta stick with the less douschey people. Yeah, you should have the right but you know, you don’t know where death leads.
If you want someone to talk to: duct.tapemonster@gmail.com
Wow, what horrible people. You’d think being high school students, they’d be mature enough to understand and accept a situation like that.
I agree with Lily. Either wait it out or change schools. Please don’t let them get to you.
hey i don’t know if it helps you but my ex is the same like you…her persenel was so nice and loveley but her body was misunderstood by almost everyone…but i lookmore to the innerself and she was just lovely and i’m shure that your the same. you have a way hard life i know but if you fine someone like your bf that understands it and fully accepts it it can give you so match strangth to continue…
hope it helps and is you want to talk: sander.jansen.89@gmail.com feel free 😉
o wand teh relation with my ex went wrong becouse she could not handel her sadness and mine with it…not becouse of some stuped issue about “that”
No one actually hates you. They might think you’re weird, or a freak, but they don’t hate hate you with a passion. They just don’t know how to deal with a transgendered person or ANYONE who is different from ‘normal’, especially at adolescence, when everyone is trying to figure out their own identity. So their default is to ridicule what they don’t understand or are afraid of. However, the harassment and threats really is too much. You need to talk to your principal about that. Or get a restraining order from the police for the guys who made threats at you. They can and should get punished for bullying.
People are a HELLOFA LOT more open and understanding in college. I know of a couple trangendered people, and a lot more gays and lesbians, and no one gives a shit about their sexuality in college. Because there are a lot more important things to worry about. Like spending 17 grand a year on their education and their future.
For now, just try getting your grades up so you can go to college. Trust me, things are sooooooooooo much better once you get out of crappy high school and into college.