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Please read my post before you judge me.

I am a 21 yr old mother of a 9 month old son. I had suffered from depression for 6 years. It started when I was 15, I decided to stay home and be ‘homeschooled’ for the 1st semester (6 months) of high school. No schooling took place. Everyday I just pretty much layed around and thought to myself. My only company was my mother cuz my brother was in juvy.(he is now in jail and my other brother died) I dropped out of school on my last year of high school because I wanted to attend a transitional program for university, it was my only way to attend due to majoring in fashion and not taking the right academic courses. I met my partner during the year after my drop out. I got pregnant 3 months later and we broke up 5 months after that. I could not attend the program to further my education. We did however get back together after the birth of our son and he is amazing to me and our child. He supports me in everything I do. Here is the catch:

I dont know what I want to do with my life. My days are marked out for me due to caring for a small child yet I feel like I do nothing. I feel like it would just be better if I left this earth before my son remembers who I am so that he can be happy. I am afraid I will involuntarily cause my son the harm I know my mother did to me due to mental and emotional issues. This very day she told me she was going to kill herself and for me to drop everything to come 3 hrs to help her. I was not suprised.

I want my partner to be happy, I love him so much but if I cannot be happy with myself how can he be happy with me? He is outgoing, knows what he wants, has had so much life, been with so many people, he could find someone better than what I can offer. I am just a grey cloud in thier beautiful skies. I have had no life yet I feel like I am 100 years old. I am tired if I had to describe it. So tired at the end of each day yet I have so much to do just to maintain our lives so there is no room for me. Yet my partner asks me to tell him my dreams and when I think of it I cannot think of anything. I feel like I got in line to be brought to this earth and once I got here I realized I got in the wrong lineup. I should have a list of shit I want to achieve and do with my life and yet I am empty inside. I want my child to be happy, I do not want to rub off on him in any way. Perhaps me not being there is better than being there and tainting him.
Before my pregnancy I also felt like this but thank god I found someone I love who is here 100% but now I want him to be happy and I dont understand how that can be with me. He is starting to work everyday all day and has been offered so many new oppourtunities andI know that is what he wants to achieve in his life but I dont even have a chance for me now. I am no longer a young woman although I am 21. I dont feel it anyway. Like they do, all of my friends have gone due to time and change of experiences so I no longer feel connected to anything young yet I yearn to learn about myself yet I do not have the time or energy.

I have been comtemplatign suicide lately, very hard for I know the suffering it can cause loved ones for my godmother killed herself 2 years ago. But I feel like if I do not know what I want to do with my life, am already tired and everything I do someone could probably do better including mothering my child for all I see are my mistakes, what I could do better and it breaks my heart. My son deserves the best, the most positive of everything and I am willing to sacrafice anything for him, including myself.  If I am so tired of life at 21 with one child, why am I here. I am almost mad that I lucked out with such a life when I dont deserve it.  I sometimes I think that after this life if I make it through I will ask the Creator to destroy my soul. I dont make sense to myself and I make myself angry that I am not doing more, achieving more.

I am sorry if this upsets anyone I am just looking for a persepective outside of my own on my situation. I truly want to be happy with myself so that I can be a healthy, happy mother to my son and a happy healthy partner for this is what they both deserve and at this moment I feel I dont deserve either of them or my life.