Dear Steven,
I would never really send this letter to you for fear that it would just dredge up something you’ve been trying to forget…
US.
Still, I need to get out how I’m feeling, even if it’s in a letter I’d never send, it helps somewhat.
I’ve thought about how I would start off a letter to you millions of times, going over and over it in my head, and I think I’ve finally come up with a good greeting.
I love you.
There. Plain, simple, to the point; Perfect.
Almost.
I love you, but it hurts like hell to love you. I really wish I didn’t sometimes because I know I can never have you again like I used too. We have our friendship, but that hurts too because it lets me know thats all I’ll ever have with you again. Sometimes…..Sometimes I think I could hate you, really hate you, if I didn’t love you.
I dream about you all the time. What we were, what we could be again if only you were here, I’m always dreaming about you. Always. The dreams make the pain worse. They show me what I can’t have anymore, what I let slip away because of my own weaknesses. They let me know there is someone who loved me with all his heart and I can’t get him back, no matter how much I want too. I can only have him in my dreams, and those only last for the night and then they’re gone, just like that. Just like you.
 That hurts like hell.
I care about you more then anyone else in the world, enough to let your love tear me up inside and make me feel like theres nothing I can do to stop it. Enough to let you penetrate my every thought, every move, every action. Enough to hinder me from ever being with anyone else, enough to ever really be happy. I guess my happiness is just another sacrifice I’ve had to make for you.
You’ve been gone for just about a year, a year of torture for me. A year of pining for you, of wishing you’d come back, of never wanting to see you again, of wanting to see you again, of hating you, of missing you, of loving you.
Well…now you are coming back, for a short time. I don’t know how to feel. I thought I’d gotten over you. We stopped talking, stopped thinking of each other, and then I got your message and your telling me your coming out to see me and you’ve missed me. I don’t know what to feel anymore. My love for you isn’t gone, not by a long-shot, I don’t even believe it’s faded whatsoever, I’m convinced now that that isn’t possible. What is possible though, is that just how fish learn how to breathe without oxygen, I’ve learned to live without you. Even though I’ve never quite mastered how to keep you out of my mind, I thought I’d finally realized that I needed to move on and let it go, let you go. Now that you’re coming back….it’s like I’m taking 100 steps back in the progress I made in trying to forget you. I can’t truly pretend like you didn’t exsist if you come back and are keeping me occupied again with your smile. Your smile, your laugh, your blue eyes, your hugs, your soft kisses, you fingers intertwined with mine, all these things keep my thoughts from straying to anything other then you.
I don’t know if I should see you. I’ve been running through this whole thing in my mind for days. IF I see you it will be for so short a time that it will hurt even more when you leave then it did the first time, because the first time I wasn’t expecting it, I didn’t have to say goodbye out loud. This time I’d really have to say it, and let my heart shatter into a million pieces rather then a thousand. But not seeing you….I don’t think I could handle that either. I’ve waited to long, pined to much, dreamed to hopefully, wished to desperately. I’VE WANTED IT TOO MUCH. Hmm…Decisions, decisions. My mind does not like making them, and my heart doesn’t like this one either. No matter which choice I make there will always be consquences. If I see you I’ll feel broken when you leave again, but if I don’t see you while your here I know there will still be this empty hole in my chest that you left. How do I know it’s there?? Well, I’ve been walking around it, trying to decide if I should just fall in and let the darkness devour me.
I can’t really truly believe that you’re going to be here and I’m going to be held in your arms again, feeling safe and loved just as I once did. If anything, I can truly say all this pain has been worth it. Why, you may ask me.
Well, I’ll end this letter telling you why, and ending it the way I started it.
I love you.
Yours Truly,
~Violet
17 comments
She’s back! Missed you V.E.B. and have been a little worried about you. You sounded so down and out in your last post and then just disappeared for the last few days I got worried that maybe something had happened to you. But your back, back to share, and vent, and use your amazing gift as a writer to try and sort out your feelings.
I defiantly think you should see him. I know its going to be hard and painful and remind you of what you have lost but if you don’t see him you will always regret it I guarantee that. For the rest of your life you will wish you had.
When you see him you should give him this letter or at least explain to him the feelings that the letter expresses. By doing this I think you can get some real closure. If you just keep it real and lay it all out on the line then he will respond and hopefully fill in some of your question marks about your relationship and everything that has happened to the both of you since the end of that relationship and what he has been feeling.
Plus you don’t really know how he feels about the whole thing. What if he feels the same way you do? What if he has been suffering just as much as you have because you are no longer a part of his life? I don’t want to get your hopes up though, this might nor be true. Its possible he’s moved on or he might be a total dick and say he doesn’t care about you at all and never was really bothered by your separation (but somehow in my heart I doubt that’s what he will say).
The point is if you are honest with him and have a real heart to heart conversation, no matter what the outcome or how he feels, its going to help bring closure to the pain you feel over this dude.
YOU GOTTA SEE HIM VIOLET!
So glad to hear from you, this site has missed you and we have been worried! Whatever may happen after you see dude you know we will all be here for you to discuss it, lend support, or be a shoulder to cry on.
Keep us updated and as always good luck kiddo
Underscore!!! Im sorry I left for as long as I did, Ive just had a lot of things to think through lately and when im under a lot of stress sometimes it hunders my ability to write anything at all, so I had o wait it out before I came back on the site to post anything. Anyways, I’m pretty sure I’m going to see him. I mean, ive thot it through in my head and ive realized the pain if not seeing him for this long has to be more then watching him leave again because at least ill know where he stands on everything. Im nervous as hell, altho we’ve been talking and he’s already made it clear that he misses me…i dont quite know what that means, it could be nothing. Honestly tho, im clinging to the realization that it means something….
~V.E.B.
I bet he misses you just as nas as you him. I think that if you just lay it sll out there and tell him how you feel in this letter your are going to really touch him. He’s going to tell you that he feels exsactly the same. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you dear. Let me know how it turns out!
Beautiful writer!
Thank you soo much!! 🙂
Voilet
I think I’m gonna agree with underscore that he thinks and feel the same as you. I too keep my fingers crossed for you and can’t wait to read your next post.
Good Luck
@tired_wanderer: thanks!! Im hoping all goes well with Steven when he visits, glad to be back writing posts, i was getting worried that I was having some giant mental block when it came to writing, I couldn’t even type out a single sentence that sounded good but when i heard about steven coming to visit…..well all these emotions came flooding back to me and I knew I had to write them down and this is what I came up with! Thanks again, I very much look forward to writing my next post!
~Violet
@Violet,
you have some good writing skill,
I’d like to talk to you sometimes
@IdentityCrisis911: I’d like that, and thank you for the lovely compliment 🙂
Hey Vi. I’m glad your back. I stopped going on this site as much and you stop ailing so I got worried. I agree with everyone who commented and I wish you luck. You are such and amazing writer.
evergone!!! 🙂 Oh, how ive missed you!! 🙂 How are u?! There were lots of people i missed while i was away, and actually im gonna be gone for siz days very soon, but dont worry, im just going to summer camp 🙂 Email me!!
~Violet
I have emailed you but you never answered. I’m at camp right now! Sleepaway. I’m surprised my parets still trust me enough. Haha. I missed you so much! I’m doing okay I guess. I don’t really like my bunkmates very much. They’re all kind of bitchy and mean. oh well. I hope you have fun at camp.
IM BACK!!! 🙂 uggh, i hated camp tho. I BROKE MY WRIST!!!!! I had to see my ex while i was there too which was completely awkward. I liked most of the girls in my cabin tho, they were nice, and they treated me even better when i broke my hand. haha at least it paid off somehow! 🙂
What happened to your hand?
oh I was being my clumsy self and I slipped and fell on it wrong. Turns out its fractued, yay for a cast!! haah lol 🙂
Haha. I know someone who fractured their arm. She was driving a go cart and it flipped
Well thats a much better story than mine!!! :p haha its all oktho, its no biggie anymore, i think ill live! 🙂