General Can’t think straight by harry 7/18/2010 written by harry 7/18/2010 I’ve been crying all the time for no reason and can’t seem to stop. Yesterday i purchased a helium canister and other items to gas myself. I just want it all to be over. What’s wrong with me? I don’t even know why I feel this way. I’m 33 11 comments 0 Email Related posts Just passing by 1/21/2022 A good night… 1/21/2022 its too much 1/20/2022 Powerful post 1/20/2022 Depression and Homelessness 1/20/2022 Me, me, me 1/20/2022 The Search 1/19/2022 Support flag <3 haven't noticed any members lately 1/19/2022 Tired 1/19/2022 I have a personality 1/19/2022 11 comments yzh 7/18/2010 - 6:16 am Harry, I’m listening…. How are you doing now? Log in to Reply harry 7/18/2010 - 10:44 am Hi, Have been emailing the Samaritans and been to sleep since I wrote that comment and it felt better just being able to talk about it. Don’t think I will be harming myself any time soon. I just have these feelings of wanting to die pretty much all of the time. Mostly it’s just in the background though and I can ignore it. I never sleep very well at night and I always wake after around 4-5 hours with these depressive feelings that life is not worth living and I just want to kill myself. It mostly gets better during the day so that I am feeling o.k. (don’t want to kill myself) by late afternoon but the next morning it’s exactly the same thing. It feels stupid because there is nothing really wrong with my life but I have these same feelings day after day. I look at some of the terrible things that happen to people in the world and I think if they can carry on then why am I so depressed over nothing? I have been looking on the internet though and I think maybe I have a chemical imbalance or something that causes it. I’m not depressed about anything that has happened but just depressed. I know I should go to a doctor about this but I don’t want my girlfriend or my family to find out. My girlfriend has had enough trauma in her life without me causing any more. I really wish that I would just drop dead though. I have fantasies that I will just die in the night and none of these feelings will be there in the morning. Sorry for rambling on. Thanks for listening. Log in to Reply yzh 7/18/2010 - 11:39 am Harry, have you ever thought about whats happening around you? Log in to Reply harry 7/18/2010 - 12:20 pm in what way? Mostly I feel pretty disconnected from anything going on around me. Most days I go to work, I sit at a computer all day and then I come home and lie in bed looking at the internet on my laptop. I vary this routine at the weekend by looking at the internet and not going to work. 🙂 I don’t really interact with anyone else and have no friends or social life to speak of. I live with my girlfriend but we never go anywhere or do anything together. We sleep in separate bedrooms and are rarely in the same room. I love her very much but more like a sister than anything else. Sometimes I visit my mum and dad but they seem very disappointed in me and this makes me quite ashamed. The truth is I don’t want to go out and do things. I am pretty much a failure at everything I have tried so why bother with the pain of failure. I don’t enjoy social interaction. Why would anyone want someone depressed like me around? Depressed people are introverted and boring. There is a large wall between my internal life and the life that goes on around me. I can not connect to it. I have no plans or hopes for the future apart from to die soon. This is my only ambition in life. Log in to Reply Codename Dreamer 7/18/2010 - 3:14 pm Harry, I don’t know too much about you, but maybe this has been building up for a while? The constant crying was the break down you have been long awaiting to release the stress and thoughts you keep inside? As you said, when you wrote this you had felt better to get it off your chest. Maybe you should keep a journal in notepad about how you are feeling through the day. Try to do something new everyday to break your routine. Maybe one day ask your girlfriend to go to dinner with you. Doesn’t have to be expensive. Just somewhere like an Applebee’s or Outback. The distance you have from the world could very well be due to you being locked into your routine. I know it seems sort of random to try these things, but if you do try them, let me know. 🙂 I’ll check back on this blog every day or so before 9 pm Eastern. Hope to hear back from you. I’ll pray for you Harry. ~Dreamer~ Log in to Reply harry 7/18/2010 - 4:00 pm That sounds like good advice. I’m going to see a doctor next week as well. I have had enough of feeling this way. Hopefully I can get some help. Thanks to you and to yzh for listening. It means alot to me that the both of you took the time to read my comments and reply to them. Both of you have helped me see things straight. Harry Log in to Reply Codename Dreamer 7/18/2010 - 4:03 pm 🙂 I’m glad that you are taking initiative Harry. You are more than welcome my friend. I wish you the best of luck in everything you do. If you ever need to talk to someone or just want a friend, I’ll leave you my e-mail. DCFAA1992@hotmail.com Log in to Reply yzh 7/19/2010 - 9:46 pm Hello Harry, There is that aspect of reality, that side no science has yet explained. What is it that makes us feel, laugh, or cry? I honestly never had an answer, and will forever seek to find a valid one. Nevertheless, a cage not only rips a person away from people, but rips people away from the person. To ask yourself whether you are an individual or part of society is a valid question that has been debated in every corner of the world. Whatâ€™s happening around us? Whatâ€™s happening within us? Allow me to travel back in time, back to the days of antidepressants. It was during my college years that I started to become anxious, self critical, and separated. No one around, no one to listen. It was like being on a train by yourself, not knowing where you going to, not even where you came from. Surely there were many people out there willing to help, but no one willing to listenâ€¦No one. The most of listening time I received was crowned with the suggestion to take pills. I did, I was weak, like a thirsty wanderer lost in a desert, worsening his despair by running to every distant mirage. Nevertheless, the honeymoon was soon over, my prescription was banned due to its highly addictive nature. All I can say is that quitting smoking was nothing compared to breaking away from my prescription, I thought I would never be able to, but I did …thanks to the honest souls who were willing not only to help, but were listening to me even when I wasnâ€™t speaking. Harry, Iâ€™m not trying to post my biography, nor am I trying to justify my statements. I just want to tell you that there is no wall solid enough to keep the light from passing through. This is your journey, your point of view. You only have one try at this side of the ground, where everyone gets to die but not everyone gets to live. Peace Log in to Reply harry 7/20/2010 - 4:31 pm Hi Yzh, Thanks for your comments. What pills were you on? I am going to my doctor this week to see if I get some help for my depression but I don’t know what he will suggest (if anything) or weather pills would help. I can’t work out in my own mind if pills would be a real answer to depression or just another kind or running away from myself. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in some sort of drugged up haze but I do want to be able to function like a normal human being. Has anything ever really helped you with depression? also, I am in a better place today. Only thought about suicide in a general way. Reread my original post and can’t believe how low I felt at the weekend. Makes me sad that I was that close to ending it all. I read the stories on this website makes me sad also. Hopefully the future will bring better things for the pepole here. Harry Log in to Reply yzh 7/20/2010 - 11:16 pm Harry, Starting off with the pills, the ones I took are Paroxetine pills, trade name is usually Seroxat/Paxil, but many other names exist depending on the region. Those are medications belonging to the SSRI class (Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor). Seroxat was the brand I got hooked on, it got banned were Iâ€™m residing nowadays, still legal in the U.S. though. Both Seroxat and the class it belongs to are topics worthwhile investigating before attempting. I highly recommend reading the Paroxetine article on Wikipedia, In addition to the SSRI article on wiki as well. As per my experience, I would never ever recommend anyone to attempt any SSRI, be it Seroxat or anything else. Harry, knowing the nature of things is what really sealed the last episode of my depression. We are both aware of the first-aid solutions out there, but it is rather the removal of the source we ought to seek after. No one knows the location of pain more than the patient himself. It is a conquest of your own self and what an achievement that is. As the fog clears out, we are faced with a crossroads. Would anyone choose to go back? Peace Log in to Reply harry 7/23/2010 - 12:17 pm O.K. thanks for the info. Log in to Reply Leave a Comment Cancel ReplyYou must be logged in to post a comment.Subscribe to comments: Don't subscribe All Replies to my comments Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.