Decay–Desire–Death

For over six years, I have fought to live through a special person who has stood by me. But now, I am unemployed and I cannot find any jobs in the city where he lives. And, I cannot move there because I am not a citizen of that country. And, he had a job offer in my city, but he decided against it, and now he says I should have convinced him to take it. He wrote that he will regret turning down the job forever. So now, so now, I am dead…dead. And I am dead. I am 31 soon and cannot take this pain. Suicide is so beautiful, so so beautiful now. Please tell me how beautiful it is.