It all started when i moved back to my old country, i got a new school, and i started at 4th grade. At the 4th grade i got bullied with for being a “nice boy”.. I was good at school. At 5th grade i got tired of being bullied with. So i started to talk shit to the teachers, and i started to fight with classmates for almost no reason. So i earned some respect by being a “bad kid”. I did allot of stuff at the school, so i was at the prinsipal almost every day. At the 6th grade i needed to be checked if i had ADD or ADHD, and i didn’t have any of them. I was lying on the floor crying for houres and screaming “What’s the meaning of life!?”. My parents didn’t understand and care of what was happening to me.
In the 7th grade i went on a sircus, i met a sweet girl. We sat there and hugged for houres, i didn’t see her again. But this girl made me get a new fealing of life. She had also been bullied with, and something that i saw about her was that she had many scars on her hands, i asked what it was. And she told me the whole story. So when i came home i just wanted to die, i hated myself, so i tryed to cut myself. It felt good in some sort of a way. A week later at school i needed to go to the prinsipals office, when i was there i screamed to that ************ that i just wanted to be alone, and i just wanted to die! So i ran away. I didn’t kill myself, or else i wouldnt be writing this.. So i cut myself every day at the 7th grade.
When i started at the 8th grade, i got new teachers, the teachers was not so mean to me like the others. So i did it ok at school and i got good grades. I finally made it to stop cuctting myself. It went 6 month’s before I got in love again with another girl, we liked eachother pretty much, and when i finally loved her, she didn’t care about me anymore. So she dumped me and that made it all just worse. That made me cut myself even more. Each time im cutting me now, it makes me feel that she ain’t worth it. It made me hate her, but i loved her aswell.
Now it’s summer and next year im starting at the 9th grade. I’m still cutting myself. I have never been at the hospital or anythingelse for being cutting myself or trying to commit suicide. I’m thinking of suicide every day, and i don’t know what to do with myself. What’s the meaning of life, that is a question i’m wondering of everyday. So please help me, i’m affraid of what is going to happen to me. I want to stop cutting myself but it’s hard. The life is just so brutal to me, how can other people be so happy?
2 comments
Hey, I had an incident when I was 15 where I also broke down and cried on the floor in. I did in front of my parents and they just looked confused and worried. They knew not of what to do. I’m not blaming them or anyone else, but I, too, know what it’s like to be surrounded by ignorance to my situation. You said you were concerned with the meaning of life. So was I. It didn’t concern me much until I was 15, a little later than you, but even now I still wonder. What is the point?
I think that the meaning is relative. I don’t believe that any individual necessarily has a devine purpose or desting. I don’t believe in fate. I think that the meaning you find is something that you make for yourself, likely while not even realizing it. What is of value to you? What do you take pride in or advocate?
You know, while realizing this, I still have trouble finding meaning, myeslf. I’m a big objective thinker and I just don’t value a lot of things that others do. I don’t really take refuge in family or raising one, I don’t live by a moral code (not really) and I don’t concern myself with petty principles like “being a man” or “accepting responsibility every time” or things like that. Though I may find those things to be reputable, I also recognize that they’re not absolute, so they aren’t a rule of thumb for me by any means. Am I making any sense?
It’s very difficult to find your own meaning in a subjective world where other values and beliefs are expected of you by others. It’s just sad. I often refer to the general population as monkeys. Just stupid monkeys who just think and do what they’re told. I wonder if you look at them in a similar way.
One thing I must just say from my experience that many many people pretend theyre happy, its a facade. I do not believe that you could count on one hand anyone that is truly happy with people around you. what does ‘happy’ mean, its a stupid word that is from fairy tales, so please do not think that you are alone in your darkness, everyone tries to compete in this world, so don’t be decieved, everyone has demons but some are just better at covering them up than others.