Today, again I feel endless. It’s as if I am stuck in a jar and there is no way to escape. I stare catatonic into space and feel my body crushing. I can’t cry anymore..I am too sad. I rock back and forth and hyperventilate. The loss is so palpable that I cannot bear it. Mostly, I feel regret. I have built a reputation as a unstable person who has tried to kill herself many times and has flown into rages. Many people eschew me. Many more talk about me. I am judged.
I lost my boyfriend and all the social activities and excitement about the future. I find myself with little human companionship. I live in a remote area. I am so alone.
I ache with pain. I don’t want to feel it anymore.
Last week, I tried to kill myself 3 times within 4 days. Pills, drinking and crashing my car into a pole at 40mph. I lived and it makes me angry. It makes me hate God.
I always wind up alone and sad and I cannot help my mind.
I hate myself thoroughly.
I see others around me with relationships, children, homes and they are relatively happy and in control of their actions.
I am not.
I have no family. I have no friends. I have no future.
I am alone.
Tonight, I feel like dying and ending this. I do not want to endure it anymore. There is no point to life when I have no one to share it with. I have no hopes of meeting someone. I am completely overwrought and would like to say goodbye.
There is nothing about me that is respectable.
Nothing.
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3 comments
Dear Extra Person,
You are only alone if you chose to be. Although I am certainly not a professional in this field, I can understand and relate to your feelings. Life can be very overwhelming, I feel this often these day’s myself, but there is always hope. Tomorrow may be a better day, you might meet someone wonderful who thinks you are the best thing since sliced bread. I hope you will allow me a chance to know you and brighten your day and life. It will get better if you are persistent.
I feel extremely similar to you. Yet I’m in a populous city. It’s wild to me how I’m surrounded by millions of people yet I’ve never felt so alone.
You hate God. I think God hates me. Anytime things are going well for me in relationships (be it dating or friendships), it always ends too soon, beyond repair, due to something outside of my control.
I don’t have advice for you, I just wanted to say you’re not alone in the way that you feel. I couldn’t agree more (and I’ve actually said what you said so many times) that it’s hard to enjoy the joys of life when you have nobody to share them with. It’s like.. What’s the point?
I completely understand where you’re coming from here. I used to cry, but I don’t usually do so anymore, it’s not that I’m not sad, I just do not cry as much. I also see people around me with relationships, children, houses, and jobs, which makes me upset that they’re so happy and I am not. I am alone too. “There is no point to life when I have no one to share it with.” I feel the same way you do. At this point I don’t know what to tell you, sense I feel the same way. I just want you to know that other people out there feel the same way. I have a hard time connecting to comments like these sometimes, because even though someone else is saying to me that I’m not alone because they feel the same, I’m still just sitting in my room alone, just like they are. I wish I had helpful advice, and I’m sorry that I don’t, but I just thought I’d add in that I feel the same way.