Today I went to church and I felt so guilty. I haven’t thought about killing myself in two weeks I was on a roll I considered myself sober because I had my music on full blast so I won’t think just hmmm to the music. But it ended today because suicide is a sin and being in church seeing everyone going on about how they love god made me sad. All I do is sin every time I think about killing myself and cutting myself. At that moment I felt like killing myself. Yea how sick I’m sinning in church. On top of it I never fit in with the church people they would always stare and or sometimes act like if I’m not there. But eventually they would say hi and give me a hug but I don’t hold it against anyone because I know they are good people and wouldn’t want any harm to them. But I felt like killing myself when I knew I lobed god and this is how I’m repaying him for all the things I have prayed about and got what I wanted. There is no doubt about it that I love god. But how can I when I don’t love myself and hurt him with my thoughts, the words that come out of my mouth. I don’t even pray anymore. All I do every night is thinking about the past, What am is going to happen the next day, and if I’m going to kill myself.