Today I went to church and I felt so guilty. I haven’t thought about killing myself in two weeks I was on a roll I considered myself sober because I had my music on full blast so I won’t think just hmmm to the music. But it ended today because suicide is a sin and being in church seeing everyone going on about how they love god made me sad. All I do is sin every time I think about killing myself and cutting myself. At that moment I felt like killing myself. Yea how sick I’m sinning in church. On top of it I never fit in with the church people they would always stare and or sometimes act like if I’m not there. But eventually they would say hi and give me a hug but I don’t hold it against anyone because I know they are good people and wouldn’t want any harm to them. But I felt like killing myself when I knew I lobed god and this is how I’m repaying him for all the things I have prayed about and got what I wanted. There is no doubt about it that I love god. But how can I when I don’t love myself and hurt him with my thoughts, the words that come out of my mouth. I don’t even pray anymore. All I do every night is thinking about the past, What am is going to happen the next day, and if I’m going to kill myself.
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2 comments
first of all, i want to remind you that God always always forgives anyone that asks for forgiveness. Even if you constantly have thoughts of suicide and cutting, He will forgive you. He loves you very much and He is obsessed with getting you close to him. He will be hurt if you give up on him, not if you try to love yourself and Him. You can repay God by not giving up.
You should find a new church! There are some really amazing and accepting churches out there! For example, I’m Catholic but I go to a Presbyterian church because the people there are so incredible! They don’t judge you or anything. So find the right church for you!
I wish you all the best! Good luck! God bless.
you are obviously an awesome person who is immensely self-aware; it’s part of the reason you’re caught in this vicious double-bind. the idea that your own thoughts of self-harm engage God’s wrath is diabolical – i seriously doubt that any All Being would set up such a cruel test.
what happens if you just drop the God idea? this is only a question, but the answer could be revealing – perhaps your conception of God has something crucial to do with the problem in this case?
many good wishes for seeing beyond your present situation.