So I’m a Christian….who happens to have homosexual desires. Why? I don’t know. Time and time again they have driven me to suicidal thoughts. Will this cycle ever stop?
I want to be straight. I really want to be straight. I want to be able to live my life just like any other person out there…but it’s so hard when you’re in a closet wondering if a lake of fire is waiting outside the door. I try so hard to believe that I am straight….just to please God. After all, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard ministers and fellow Christians say that homosexuals are going to hell. But then again, am I being honest with myself?
Maybe not. I am a liar. I’ve lied to my family, my friends…and worst of all, I’ve lied to God. I spend every single day trying so hard to pretend that I am a normal heterosexual Christian male. (It is difficult being a non-Protestant-Christian where I live). On the inside, I know that I can’t help but think that some guys are cute. DAMMIT! What’s the matter with me! What would happen if I came out? Oh I know: everybody whom I thought was my friend would suddenly turn their back on me and harass me with name-calling and acts of hate and what-not. I know that so many of my so-called “friends” would passionately hate me if I were to come out. More of my friends could hate me than I think.
And God? I thought God was supposed to love me. That’s what everybody said at church. I want so much to believe that God really does love me. Really. But that’s inexplicably difficult when I read the Bible and see that God punishes homosexuals. Yet I know in my heart and from my past experiences that God still loves me, and it tears me apart that I’m letting him down.
So I have [badly unwanted] homosexual desires. DAMMIT I can’t control them. I CAN’T! I’ve tried and tried and tried for the past six LONG years, and I doubt I’ve made any progress. I always hear about how homosexual desires come from within the person, and that it is supposedly the fault of the homosexual that he or she experiences such desires. Um….hello? What is it about UNWANTED homosexual desires don’t you guys out there understand? I never said that I wanted to believe that males were cute! It just happens to be a mentality that I’ve toiled the last six years to get rid of!
I hate myself. I really hate myself. I can’t get a grip over these unwanted homosexual desires. If I were to be honest and just come out, everybody would hate me. If I were to just hold it all in and pretend that I were straight, I’d simply be living with potential lies. I want so badly to believe that I am straight. Really. But I just can’t take this anymore.
I’ve thought time and time again about bypassing all the potential pain, suffering, lying, cheating, and stealing by depriving myself of all opportunities to do those things. As I’ve said before, I’ve considered killing myself. I doubt that anybody knows how much it truly hurts to be a closeted Christian. It hurts because I know that I am hurting the ones I love, either by being dishonest or by being someone with whom they cannot live. I hate myself so damn much.
And yet I love my family members and friends. I love them too much to let them see what goes on inside of me. And I love God too much to continue walking this fine line between dishonesty and disappointment. I’ve spent the past six years trying so desperately to bottle it all up. But I can’t take this anymore. I hate myself, and I don’t know exactly why. This entire life has been an endless cycle of bigotry, self-hatred, and frustrating confusion. I hate myself so much. I want to find a way out of myself, but I don’t know where to go or what to do.