I don’t know what to say or where to start. I feel stupid for even posting my personal stuff on an online forum. I have never been on an forum before. Anyway, all my trouble probably started from the age of 12 when i got really really sick. As a result of that, I had to stay at home and hospital for 3 years to recover, during which I had to follow strict diet and swallow heaps of pills/get injections daily. There were some horrible things happened that made me lost faith in humanity and made me struggle to trust other people. But I somehow managed to recover, even tho my personality’s completely changed by the end of the ordeal. My parents decided to send me to another country for education after my recovery since it would be impossible for me to catch up at home after 3 years of absence from school. So I packed up my stuff and left for a totally strange place when I was 15 all by myself. I had a hard time to re-associate myself with other people and the society after 3 years of isolation, I was paranoid that I would become sick again and go back to hospital for the first 2 years of my so called regained “normal life”. I was paranoid to such an extent that I would drink far more than necessary liquid than I need and afraid of going to the bathroom( I had kidney problems). I was aware that everybody thought I was a freak for doing that but my fear of being sent back to hospital was too great that I couldn’t care less what other people might say. Neverthless I started to change just before I turned 18. I thought that fuck it, I have had enought of this shit and that I just wanna live a normal life. Ever since then I started to abuse alcohol. I decided that I shouldn’t be so obssessed with my physical health, and that I should start having a real life. That’s about when I started my party-animal life style. I would party as much I could with my study unaffected. I would get shit-faced drunk 5 days out of a week in my first year in university. And that’s when I started to have boy problems as well. Might be due to all the medications I had taken that screwed up my mind, I never noticed any guy before the age of 17. But then all of a sudden I just felt that I liked this particular guy from school so much that I couldn’t live without him. That of course turned out to be an disaster with him using me just to get another girl’s attention. After him I had gone through a string of guys whom just liked me for sex. I think I might have some issues with my family. My parents always ignored my mental health during the years since my sickness. They are absolutely impossible to communicate with, and that made me feel even more lonley. I begun to try to look for someone who would actually love me and give me the comfort that my parents failed to give to me. I would look for the love that I longed so much in guys that were much older than me. Since I did not know any guys that were “much older” than me, I spent the last year having one night stands with “older’ guys that I met in bars/clubs and had an affair with a guy who’s 11 yrs older than me until I realized that he would never leave his gf for me. The only person that actually made me happy in the last couple of years was my one and only ex bf. He was the only one who stayed with me and who was patient enough to listen to me and get to know me. But he left me eventually since he’s not from the country where I currently live. It really broke my heart. I moved in with him just 2 weeks after meeting him and I lost some friends because of him. I got kicked out of my old apartment which I used to share with my “used to be friends” just 3 days before he had to leave the country. After he’s gone, I was absolutely devastated and I had gone thru several guys that were only using me after him. Before he left I told him that I would do my best to follow him. Because of this, I even took german( he’s german) in uni which is very unneccssary as my majors are actually Spanish/computer science. I even cried when the adviser told me that I couldn’t go on exchange in Germany as my studies are totally irrelavant. either way I’m just getting worse and worse since he left me. I do not have anyone to listen to me right now. My parents have decided to turn a blind eye on my conditions years ago. I don’t really care what they think anymore since I have realized that I have always been an disappointment to them since the day I was born. I was rasied to believe that it’s neccessary for me to be tough as a guy in order to cope with life’s problems. I always thought that it’s just the way that my parents preferred to educate me. But then while I was very sick lying in bed, my father’s step-mother told me that I was actually unwanted, that my father, influenced by some traditional belief, wanted to have a boy. And that if I were a boy then I would be more physically capable therefore spare everyone of the pain. That,plus my father telling me that he had given up all hope on me had made me extremely angry. That anger had been the main force behind my recovery from my illness. However right now I cant feel that passionate anger anymore. I’m so disappointed and feeling so lonely and empty that I have lost the strength to fight back. I cannot see future anymore, all I can see is years of suffering as I am experiencing now. And worse still, I realize how silly I am to even get upset over such trivial matters. I have always considered myself to be strong and independent. However recently I realized that I am actually weak and vulnerable. I have no ambition at all. I do not care if I have a career or not, I just want the guy I like to rescue me from this mess. But all the boys were just attracted to me physically intially and then they would leave me after finding out just how much an emotional insecure ***** I am. This same thing goes with my friends. Everyone thinks I’m very cool in the beginning. But then they would discover that I would become extemely sulky for days and start thinking that I’m a snobby weirdo. I find connecting to other people extremely hard because they either don’t understand me at all or just plainly boring. The only friend that I could talk to is getting tired of me, and it’s all my fault. I would complain to her sometimes that I must be fat and ugly so people dislike me. In the beginning she would tell me patiently that I am not like that. But now she’s getting sick of me saying things that she said “are ridiculous”, and that she also said that she felt insulted everytime I say something like that. So now I don’t know what to do. I honestly didnt mean to insult her in anyway. I just would rather say that I’m physically unattractive than admit that I’m fucked up in the mind. Either way I figured that I cant talk to her anymore. I do have other friends but they are too hardcore that I dont wanna show them my weakness. I wanna be the perfect, strong, calm,independent and smart girl in everyone’s eyes, not a attention-seeking,brainless little girl that can only get guys with looks :'( I dont know, but so far I have obviously failed to achieve my ideal image. I have lost hope in everything now. I do not have faith in the future or love. I feel like I’m just gonna end up alone with a broken heart. Everyday I go to uni and do my things and try to put on a smiley face when with friends, but deep inside I really dont care anymore. I have thought about suicide often these days. I have been doing research on a sure way to death, and tried to buy morphine from a friend to get an overdose. But my friend refused to sell me the drugs and kept telling me that im better than this. I dont know. I’m really worthless and I’ve just lost interest in eveything. I dont think I’ll do anything right now, but I think I’ll eventually break down, probably soon. and when that happens, I’ll have to kill myself cos I would never ever go back to hospital. I dont wanna spend my life in a nuthouse and taking all those dreadful pills again. not in this lifetime!!!>:( I feel silly for writing all this down and whoever might read this must think I’m weak for not even able to deal something so simple. argh but I’m just so sick of being alone all the time without any help from anyone. I just wanna write down my pathetic story somewhere> < and thanks for bearing with my rant if anyone has actually read this
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I came on this site cuz I was driving around and I felt my head stopped functioning with my emotions. I’m glad i read your post. I actually tried to commit suicide in 2008. I ended up in the hospital and barely made it out alive after a 2 1/2 months stay. part of why i ended up in the hospital is cuz i could not bare not being the person i had worked to be. I feel like shit sometimes and i can’t tell why. my emotions are out of control but my brain doesn’t recognize why… I was in the mental ward for two weeks as a result of my attempt. I don’t think i’m crazy, I feel it was liberating, i regret that i did it. i don’t think that there was anything i could have said to prevent my accident from happening.. but I’m glad as hell = ) that i’m here to write about it!!! pls dont think that anything that ive said is to hurt you. I’m just trying to figure some shit out : \
It’s amazing how much I could relate to you, losing_grip. It’s like everything happened to you had happened to me as well. The way you described yourself is exactly how I feel about myself. I also have the same question of how to deal with my life now as I don’t have motivation, I don’t have strength, and I don’t have belief. I think it’s because we can’t see hope. Doesn’t matter how many times others told me I do have hope, I just don’t believe it. And I think they do not understand what my situation is because they all live in happy, wonderful lifes. I post my comment here also to see if anyone could give an idea of how to deal with this mentality.
I did everything my parents told me to do but it was never good enough.
My dad tried teaching me math but yelled at me constantly and made me feel stupid, which only resulted in a psychological fear of numbers.
I’m the eldest daughter but once my brother was born, he’s the superstar and can do no wrong in their eyes. (all I ever get from my parents is criticism)
So, why’d they bother having me then? I was the mistake they brushed under the rug.
They should’ve terminated me from the start.
loosing_grip, just from your post I can tell that you are an insightful, articulate, and intelligent person. Your post actually just helped me to work out some things that have been going on with me. Thank you and everyone else who posted here.I am 40 years old and in this past week I have been suicidal. I have felt like I have not had any control over my emotions or reactions. I havent felt like this in 10 years. My wife, boss, and a close friend have expressed concern. I am actually feeling better and more clear after reading your post, doing some thinking, then doing some writing of my own.My weakness is the feeling of “I am not good enough”. It stems from going up in an alcoholic home where both my abusive alcoholic father and my judgmental emotionless mother were great at cutting me down. I had suffered sexual, physical, and mental abuse as a child. I was a heavy drinker by the age of 12.Since that is 28 years ago, there is a lot more story that follows. But the important thing to note is that I have completely turned my life around through the help of counseling, mentors, and a lot of work. I no longer have a drinking problem, I have a wife, we just bought a house, I have a master degree and have made a good name for myself in my creative career that I love.Yet just week “I am not good enough” hit me upside the head like a two by four. It’s as if it is my kyptonite. I lost it. I could no longer control my feelings and my anger. I had one night where I was ready to end it and/or take money out of the bank and drive as far away as I could. Instead I drove home and consoled in my wife. I did not and have still not told her that I am suicidal. After reading your posts I have emailed my counselor to make an appointment to speak with him to work through this rough time.Reading all of the stories here reminded me that what is happening stems from being raised in such an unhealthy environment and in a society that has a hard time with who I am.The main issue right now is that I work at a place that is very toxic and treats all of their employees poorly. Everyone I know is looking for another job and feels abused. Right before I lost it I was telling a co-worker “why would you want to work at a place that constantly degrades you and under minds you?” Then I found out that my bosses cut my position by 25% pay even though I am doing an amazing job. It just got me. I need to focus on getting out of there without quitting or freaking out on someone in authority.I also identified some other things that are causing me stress around the same “I am not good enough” feeling. It just all came to a head.Thanks again for sharing your stories. They really did help me wake up out of this confusion.