I can’t take it anymore!

Why me? I can’t take it anymore! It’s hard enough being a female high school student with all the “requirement” like being skinny, popular, smart, pretty but on top of all this I lost the love of my life 8 months ago and I’m still hurting. She was the only on who cared what Ithought, how I feel. She was the only one who loved me for me. I used to fake a smile everyday and act like nothing bothered me but when i met her everything changed. I was truly happy. Before I met her I had a problem with drugs and struggled with cutting. The night before I met her I was almost killed myself. I took all my pain meds from when I broke my wrist and put a gun to my head. I took a deep breath and pulled the trigger…..all Iheard was a click. I unloaded the gun and got rid of it. the next morning I woke up I examined the bullet and to my surprise the hammer of the gun did strike the bullet. What happened that night was a one in a billion chance. Later that day I had to go to a meeting for my high school marching band. After it the Color Guard captain approached me and we started talking. We hung out at band camp and after. We started getting ready close. She finally asked me out. She made me stop doing drugs and helped me through me hard times. I eventually stopped cutting. 6 days shy of our 2 year anniversary she told me she didn’t love me anymore. We got into a huge fight and she told me that our relationship as nothing but a fling and I needed to go kill myself. She turned all our friends against me and within a week I was all alone. I still am. A week later the teacher I am very close to told me that she saw her cheating on me many of times with one of our good friends. After all this I’ve gone back to cutting. I don’t know what to do. All I can think about is ending the pain. Every night I lie in bed and cry. I can’t take this pain anymore….I just can’t. On top of everything the only friend who stuck by me through the passed 8 months  killed himself 2 days ago….. He laid on the train tracks and had it decapitate him. They found him clutching my picture and a piece of paper that said “I love her”….. I caused it…. I can’t take this pain. I have no way out. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!