Hello everyone….My name is D and I have been browsing this site for a while now. There are so many interesting stories here that cover every inch of life and I have finally decided to share my own story. I have attemptedÂ suicideÂ 4 times in the past all by overdosing on medication. I have been in and out ofÂ behavioralÂ clinics and I have talked to therapists and psychologists and nothing has helped me. I still think about killing myself every day no matter what is going on, whether I’m smiling or frowning suicide is the first thing I think of when I get up in the morning and the last thing I think of before I fall asleep at night.
I have high anxiety, I have mood swings, I hate people, I’m constantly depressed, I’m miserable, I’m bored, I’m lonely, I’m lost, I’m confused, I’m annoyed, I’m easily frustrated and many many other things. Things I am toÂ embarrassedÂ to mention….even to strangers. I’m bisexual but I prefer malesÂ toÂ females so I consider myself to be gay. I love to talk to guys sexually whether they are straight or whatever it doesn’t matter. People think I’m a slut but really I think I do it because I can’t help myself. It’s like some sort of coping mechanism. I can be obnoxious and stubborn but I don’t think I’m ever proud or anything. I’m a nice sweet guy who says mean things…..I’m a fucking mess. A pile of issues.
Heh now I’m rambling. Hmm…Out of everything terrible in my life I amÂ loneliestÂ the most. I’ve built up so many walls to keep people away because I hate myself so much. I hate my body the most and this hate for the flesh that covers my bones consumes me and prevents me from doing anything without feeling awkward or disgusting.
I don’t think I was meant to be alive as long as I’ve been alive. I’m only 20 now and I’ve been like this since I was 7 or 8. Always alone and always feeling so horrible like the world is crushing me to death under all theÂ weightÂ of life. I don’t want to do this anymore! I don’t want this life or this world. I can’t deal with any of it. EverythingÂ annoysÂ me and frustrates me and I can’t getÂ anythingÂ done or enjoy anything. Everything bothers me…..I feel if I can’t be perfect then what’s the use in living? I don’t need that no one is perfect nonsense because IÂ knowÂ that but still I just want to be perfect so badly. I know it’s not possible but yet I can’t stop thinking about it.
I’m a 20 year oldÂ fagotÂ who wants to die….so badly….and yet I’m such a coward.
I want someone to talk to….Someone who knows what it’s like to suffer everyday and who isn’t afraid to be honest with how they are feeling. If anyone wants to talk about anything feel free to add me on YIM. YIM ID = yaoi_mono. I’m usually always on YIM so feel free to message me anytime of the day. I can listen if you promise to listen to what I have to say. I don’t want one sided conversations.
I know what I wrote here is crazy and in aÂ weirdÂ order but I just don’t feel like writting an essay. It came out as I thought it and just like my mind is messy so are my words. I wrote this because I wanted to get these crazy thoughts out of my mind and also I’m trying to reach out into the crazy train that is the internet to find some cyber friends I can chat with when I can’t talk to family or other people near me.