I almost did it.

(please read the whole thing. its worth it. (:  _)
I have a lot of issues.
Recentliy, I’ve been dealing with a lot.
I just started my medication again. but the month before that i stoped. and the gap of time that, things got really bad.
I have a best friend that i really love and i hurt him a lot.
My parents dont like me and i think they want me dead.
I’ve been arested twice, once with my best friend mentioned above, and his parents hate me and dont want me to have anything to do with him. I refuse to comply. I still see him. But I have to sneak around. Its not the same and he blames be for getting him arrested but it was my mom’s fault because she could have picked me up at the store and they wouldn’t have called the cops. But what can i do now?
When I wake up, I automatically feel bad. My best friend is the only one that can make me happy; the one I’m forbidden to see. He’s the one I want in my life forever.
Yet, off my medication I treat him like crap.(I’d curse on here, but I dont know if it would be posted, and I really want it to be)I took the blame for him when we got arrested because I care for him so much, but I still feel the guilt.
I did very bad in school and he helped me so much, even though I am in summer school.
I feel like a falure. I feel descusted with my apperance. I weight 165 or something. I feel so ugly and fat all the time. No matter how much people try to tell me otherwise when they see me depressed, I feel worse and I feel like crying becuse I don’t believe them. I never did. I never had a boyfriend. I am 14. Everyone else my age has had at least 3. I feel so left out. I feel like I annoy everyone. I find it hard to make friends because I come off as unaproachable. When I sit, I slump over like a depressed person. I think about death a lot. I son’t cut myself, but I scratch my wrists with my fingernails. That’s probably why I bite my nails, it might be a subconcious habit cecause the scrathces leave scars and people look at me badly.
I don’t know how many times in my like I have gotten the death stare and from how many people. That makes me feel so bad. my best friend makes efforts to stay my friend, even thoguth sometimes I feel like he is using me because I would and acutally do anything for him. He helps me and he trys to be my friend but I’m difficult and when I feel depressed , he describes me as sounding dead. He tells me to be happy, but I can’t. I annoy him a lot and I know I do, but I lose control of it.
When I get fustrated with my parents, I can’t stop screaming and I know i am really annoying, and they give me the death stare. It makes me feel like crap. My bestfriend told me alot of people I know gave me the death stare and that makes me feel worse. I know strangers do too.
Yesterday, I annoyed my bestfriend so much because I sounded to depressed and i said I felt like killing myself because he was annoying me, he told me to go do it. He told me to get a knife and stab myself. Then, he hung up on me. I cried and I wanted to. But I wanted to prove to him that my life would be fine without him. He called me today and I couldn’t stay mad at him because I knew I am a horrible friend and I love him for trying to be my friend . I am trying not to think of him as using me, but as me repaying him for helping me out.
But it hurt that he told me to kill myself, even if he said he said it only because he was mad.
Three days ago, I seriously considered killing myself. I took the medication I had stopped taking and layed it out with some others that I had been pesribed before ( I have issues) and I almost took it.
But, I was thinking about hohings might get better. Then, I thought about how they won’t. Then I though about, what if this is a failed atempt? What if I don’t kill myself and then my parents find out that I am suicidal?
I started to get stressed. Then I pressed on my windpipe untill i felt lightheaded and dist and numb. Then I let go, and I felt tingles.
I do this when I feel stressed. I do this often. No one knows. I tried to tell my bestfriend, but he said if i did it, he wouldn’t talk to me. So, I said it was hypothetical. I can’t lose him. He’s the only friend I fully trust.
I really think about killing myself a lot. I find life hard to handle. I never really thought I would carry it out, but I almost did overdose.
Today, I started my medication again. I feel better knowing I’m taking something.
But life gets difficult for me. It gets hard for me to handle . And I dont want to feel so depressed all the time. And the only person that can make me happy is the person I make most misserable. I dont want him to feel this way. I don’t his family to feel I’m a criminal and that I need to stay away from him. I don’t want my family to feel disapointed in me (they think I did it)
I feel like a falure. I feel like everyone hates me. I’m right. I just want my life to go the way I plan it in my head.
I saw the movie Incision(if thats how you spell it) yesterday. its about getting into peoples minds. I really liked that movie. I wish someone would get into my mind and help me deal with my life and act happier and enjoy life and the people in mine.
I think about death a lot. I rally wish I hadn’t considered suicide. I really wish I made my life easier by having better relationships with people and being happier and doing what I need to do to just make my life easier.
I just regret so much. I don’t want to feel depressed. If there’s one thing that movie taught me, you have to find a way to escape(IN YOUR MIND OR SOMEWHERE IN LIFE,NOT SUICIDE!) to get away from life’s stresses for a while. And you need to know that things will eventually get better.
It’s all in your mind. You need to find a passion or a way to be happy.
I haven’t found that yet, but I know i need to. Its going to be hard. But I have a friend that is there for me, even when I feel like my family is not.
To anyone that Is reading this and is feeling like they want to end their life or know someone that is, I want them to know that they can escape in their minds.
And I know at first you wont believe this, but its true. My mind is phycotic. And if you think yours is, I suggest you seek professional help. And I wouldnt tell lanyone , unless you really trust them, because they wont understand. With my medication, my mood is more balanced and I dont feel as depressed all day. I still do, at first especially.And nothing is a cure all. But if your mind is a little more balanced, you can be able to figure things out and hopefully help yourself find an escape in your mind, and/or on earth. Perhaps writing out youtr thoughts if medication or therapy isn’t helping or acessable can help. It helped when I was hearing screaming in my head and had migranes in my head that felt like gunshot wounds. Getting some sleep or tylanol when the headache would prevent a good nap would let me write down some throught and help me sort out a few problems. A good cry helps. After that, writing it out is good. But suicide isn’t an answer because you don’t know what the future has in store for you. You dont know what life has to offer. You don’t know how your death will affect the world. Trust me, it will. I don’t think suicide is nessesary because if it is because of a person, they arent worth it. They are not worth anything if they cant appreciate you. If it is because of something you feel guilty for or something you did, everyone makes mistakes and you need to forgive yourself. Learning to ignore what people say will help you. Their negative comments won’t benifit you. And killing yourself will only prove them right.
I am glad I didn’t kill myself because today my bestfriend called me and wanted to be friends and said he was sorry for saying that to me. I need him in my life. He said I was his friend and knowing I meant something to him made me feel like I was worth something. I don’t want him to think that he wasted his time on me by being my friend and that motivates me to take my medication and to be there for him because he was always there for me. It makes me feel like I have a purpose. If I had killed myself, I would never have felt like I meant something and If ghosts exist, I would have been a restless spirit. And I dont have life insurance, so my parents would have had to waste money on me, even after I was dead.
I want to move on and hopefully stop being depressed and be someone.
I want to be someone that has a purpose.
And if this motivates one person to not comit suicide, then I think I accomplised that (: