I’ve survived three

Strange thing is I have survived three suicides already….my first big love and my son’s father blew his head off with a 25.06 rifle and then HIS two brothers overdosed within the following year. I took my son from that small town and ran. Been runnng ever since. Can’t run far enough though. They tell me I have PTSD and Anxiety disorder and try to feed me antidepressants but often I can’t afford the damn therapy anyway and no one …I don’t care who they are can ever say they understand. We can never understand each other’s minds. People are all different…like snowflakes. I get told you are so strong and you are a survivor but the truth is I tell myself they didn’t love me enough because I wasn’t worth it. My brain never stops spinning and I feel damned. It was unfair. Why didn’t he just shoot me too? I have tried it at least three times in the last few months and for some damn reason I am here. How could I do that to my children? So I pray and wait for them to become adults and I plan things like a car accident or getting cancer and not treating it. Anyway to get out of this pain. I am so sick of being told that I am so strong? Strong? WTF does anyone know? I wish someone one time would just keep their fucking mouth shut and let me cry on their shoulder and just cry and let them hug me…don’t tell me I m a survivor….I didn’t want to be the only one left. Dont’ tell me that God has a bigger plan for me? Who is God anyway? You know my mom passed two years ago…a healthy woman who caught MRSA in a hospital for a simple procedure….she started to refuse her meds …she let go and it was over in five weeks. I understood why she let go…it is just too hard. Suicide is a gift that just keeps on giving and giving and I haven’t move on one damn day since  Jimmy did it. I don’t know how to so I just want to be with them. I say we all just fucking go on and do it. Let the dead bury the dead. I died when they did and have been walking dead ever since…..