Ive tried a long long time to be able to smile without forcing myself to. Its hard to say whats bothering me. Sometimes it feels like i dont know what is bothering me anymore. All i know is that im always sad passing myself off as a very happy person. I can fool everyone. I know that now because everyone else like my family talk among themselves saying how much i have changed since i came out of the phychiatric hospital. There really is no point in telling my problems outloud. No one seems to help me. Not even my therapist and social workers. They ask the same questions again and again and all i do is stare up at them smile and tell them that everything is great. Sometimes ive given up on life that i really dont care if i go to the hospital for the 3rd time. Sometimes i feel its better if im away from everyone. Im just very tired of everyone bothering me. I hate the fact that everyone is just staring at me because of my cuts. Its not only in my arms. Its in my stomach and legs too. I had to hide them because i didnt want my family to lock me up again in the hospital. So far no one knows exept my ex boyfriend. He broke up with me yesterday saying he couldnt take dealing with someone like me. Someone suicidal and everything. It did cause me more pain then i am already feeling because he promised me he would help me and that later on in the future i would be happy. Now i now that none of that is ever going to come my way, no matter how hard i try to see the good side of life because i do seriously try. I have tried. Now i guess im done trying…
3 comments
DONT BE DONE TRYING TALK TO PEOPLE WHO GET IT PLEASE!!!!! if anyone gets it i do!
e-mail-mkafan12@yahoo.com
i know what you mean totally. im covered in cuts and scars on my wrists ankles thighs stomach hips, everywhere. as soon as i got out of the “crazy hospital” everyone thought they had to be ok with me and that everything was over. i lie to the people who manage my meds and my counselor so i dont get sent away again. a guy left me recently because he couldnt date someone suicidal i guess. so yeah i know what youre saying, i really do
it so hard that i cat take it anymore…and i now i shouldnt be saying this in the web but i did a lot of things wiht him that i was never supposed to do and thats why it KILLS me. I feel so used and i just cant do this anymore. To make it worse i had an incident when i was pregnant. I didnt know i actually was. What i ended up doing was killing my baby. MY OWN BABY!. I swear i didnt know, and i didnt mean to hit myself in the stomach. It was just all i ever did when i was so down. I would hit myself instead of cutting myself and i didnt know until one day i go to the bathroom and i see a whole bunch of blood and i see thing thing which looked so small and so soft. It was the baby. I killed my baby……At that time however he was still with me, and he told me i hadnt killed the baby, but now just yesterday he called me crazy and how i killed the baby. He now said he didnt love me at all and how he doesnt care. I had taken pills when i was pregnant and i didnt know. I didnt think i was pregnent because i had this birth control shot that my mom made me put. My periods werent always stable and i didnt know. Now im also pregnant again but the doctor said it might be the shot showing that im pregnent. Hes not with me and when i told him he just said he didnt care. He said he was going to move on. He said he didnt want a baby like me and god it just hurts so much. He told me to even not have the baby and he always wanted one, ever since we were together. Im willing to kill my baby again for what he said, for him telling me too…Im a murderer like he said!. No one can understand me and im just ready to go. Im ready to die along with my baby….