I’ve been waiting for hours for someone to talk to. I’ve been going back and forth between rooms, about to ask my mother to help me. But then, I turn around and walk away. She’s not going to understand anyhow… I e-mailed the help group i found online, the Samaritans. But they’ve taken hours upon hours to reply. I’ve only received two replies in about three days.
I know it sounds dumb, but I’m so afraid of death that I want to die. I don’t see a future ahead of me. I see me dying somehow, whether its by my own hand or not, and every one moves on with their lives.
I’m so sure of something happening I started making my “will” today. Â Though I have nothing of major importance, I thought it would still be nice. I mean, who’s going to get my notebook? My notebook knows me better than anyone else. I write everything in it. Â My luck, I’d give it to someone and they’d burn it along with the rest of my stuff.
All of the kids at school think I just want attention and always make fun of me. What kind of a life is this? The only thing I had to look forward to was a good debate with my History teacher on Obama.
I tried getting help, but then I lost it. My school counselor tried getting me in touch with someone from the Boys And Girls Club. But, I never called. I can’t face people I don’t know and tell them my problems. Online, its different. but I still don’t like it.
I can’t have anyone to talk to, can I…? I’m just going to die… And then there will be nothing to left to worry about. My mother wanted to move into a new house… Well, they’ll have enough rooms and everything now…
2 comments
@RuetheDarkness
Sweetheart, it seems to me that you fear living more than you fear death. I have been reading on chakras and auras..people who speak to people who have killed themselves. They are pretty upset on the other side when they find that everything is the same …they still have all of the problems without a way of correcting them. I do not know if this is true…but if it is, then your death will solve none of your probs, will create more! It is good that you are journalling as you can watch yourself as you cope and see what you did to come through problems. You are in a good place here. Much acceptance and love without judging by people that are in here.
My son killed himself not even two months ago..if you knew the effects on the people in your life that it would have to lose you in such a manner, you would think a little more about those thoughts, I am sure, because you seem to want help and are trying to reach out. Try taking the biggest problem and putting it down and ask people in here what they think and how they could help..just breathe and know people care.
I wish I could say I would have people who would care when I die… But I sometimes can’t bring myself to believe it let alone make me stop thinking about it. I’m sorry for your loss, and I know that connection like that would be terrible to lose, but I don’t really have something like that. All I have is a family of people who think I’m *****. They have even told me that, and my brother told me that he wouldn’t care if I died. I don’t see a point in living in a world where there’s all of this…stupidity. Our entire world is going to shit to begin with, so living on would only make things worse. And to make everything in my mind even darker, all of my life I’m going to watch people die. My friends, my family… my mother. All of them are going to die, but I don’t want to watch it…