I never doubted in my mind that I am a good person. Someone bumps into me, I say sorry. Someone needs my help, I go and help them to the point of being abused. All my life, I have tried to be responsible. I used to have it all. A happy family, a successful career, and man that loved me very much. Now, I am 4 months pregnant with this man. This man who hurts me physically and screams at me everytime, and looks at me like I am disguting. I am so stupid, I cant leave. I tried, but I keep returning. That I can handle, but his emotional and verbal abuse hurts more. When he left me and “gave up” on trying to change me, I lost my job. When I got pregnant, my family turned their back on me. This man that I love with all of me… wont even marry me. I cant talk, I cant cry, I cant do anything to piss him off. I am always scared of disappointing him. I feel that whenever I do something right, I make 2 mistakes and I just go back to where I started. I am tired. Very tired of my life. Very tired of living in the dark. No matter what I do, I cant please them. Nobody truly loves me. I am 23, unwed, and abused. What hurts more is that they are right. It is me who hurts myself worst. I try. I always try to be the person they want me to be.. but like they always say, I will never change. I have changed. I used to be strong.. now.. I dont know who the fuck I am anymore. I am not mad, I am not violent, I dont even talk to anyone anymore… I am just quiet… and tired… I know its really bad now because everyday, I just feel like I want to die. The funny part is I have a terminal disease and was given 5 years to live.. You’d think these people would treat me better.. I want to be alone.. but they wont let me be…Please let me go… I just want to die…I dont deserve this but they wont let me out…Im tired.. Im empty.. Im hollow….. I am tired and I GIVE UP.
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As I start out most of my posts. I am not trying to say I know anything about this situation or know what it’s like. I just want to let you know that if you are on a time clock for your life, you shouldn’t give up early. That time clock is so you can do something with your life so that you can die without regrets. You have 5 years… Use those five years to your advantange miss. Go for a drive, a road trip. Anywhere. If you don’t have the money then don’t look back, if you don’t, just think it out and you’ll be able to do it. Smile a bit more often even though you are upset. It seems when you smile by yourself and you truly want to be a bit happier, it really does help. To smile when you are hurting is strong, but then again. You don’t want to be strong around people. Let them know what all is going on and that you are going to make yourself happy. You don’t need someone for yourself to be happy. Often times… The one who you love most… can hurt you the most. So just be strong, and enjoy your life for what you have left. No need to worry about everything and be so upset. Life’s short in general. So please, take that advice, do something that will make you happier, and just leave your problems behind. Oh one more thing… That has helped me and most of my friends…. I call it thought tossing. Someday pick up a handful of shale and go to a river or pond, somewhere with water that you can just throw rocks into. Before you throw each stone. Put your thoughts in there. Your problems, and imagine them going into the stone itself. Then toss the stone. Just remember ma’am, giving up before your time is something quite a few people wish to do, but… until you can’t move or you can’t do anything at all… Just live your life, no regrets…
that’s some good advice =) And cs30, maybe make one amazing friend that understands you. I had that once and it really helped me. Though it was a boyfriend so it might not be that easy to come by. Maybe if someone really understands you and validates your feelings and loves you and is fun to be around, maybe that would make you feel better. That’s what used to help me. I wish I had that too! =P