Hi everyone, i’ve posted here a numerous times before when i felt both suicidal and down and i’ve actually been able to see some kind of “light” in life, or well… to tell you all the truth it sometimes feels as i am lying to myself because i keep telling myself that there is something out there for me, could be whatever, a well payed job to a new place to live in and so on.
Even though im somewhat lying to myself it feels abit better and i feel almost “healed” i mean.. as i look back i didnt really know why i was even considering suicide in the first place, sure memorys hurt but they can only hurt if you think about them.
However i get setbacks from time to time where i dream about dying in (This might sound riddiculous) a gloryfied way, like an example, i am dying for protecting someone else that was in danger, not like superman or anything like that but in a more realistic way, i dont know.. maybe deep inside i still want to die but i want to be remembered for dying for a better cause than thinking about them judging me. “Oh remember him? that weak dude, he commited suicide… etc”.
This past month ago my grandmother passed away and it somehow reminded me about my suicidal thoughts which didnt make the moment that sad because i keept thinking that incase there is an afterlife, i would meet her shortly, maybe not this year or the next but in 3 or so after i have really tried to achive something, even though i am working to solve the education issue right now but i am not late out, im only 21 so i still hear people say “you have your whole life ahead of you” which is true, but after like 3 more years i either have a stable and abit well payed job which i can survive on or i stand in this same spot, running around and searching for work that apperently doesnt exsists.
Is there someone else here that is in my position, where you have fought with suicidal thoughts and other bad feelings but still get setbacks from time to time?Â Im curious if this will haunt me for the rest of my life because about 3 weeks ago when i was drunk as hell and was waiting for the subway to come i was actually considering stepping down on the railway even thought i have witness another dude do it, even when i think of it now it feels so dumb because that must be extremely painful!
#On a sidenote: Im Nordic so i apologize for my english, it can be abit repetitive with same words all over.