still strugglin

i have alot of memories the worst one is when i was turning 3 it is so vived like a dream i was walkin to my daddys house across the street from my moms and i asked the guys on the front porch where my daddy at the said that he left last nite. my bio mother dawn said that he didnt love me and that he left cause i was a bad girl as i grew up i was physically abused and sexually abused. i started to feel worthless and thought of suicide at age 11 i wanted to give up i was on meds since i was 2 cause i ate so much that i was obessed i ate because i was trin to comfort myself my bio mother dawn had 2 boys when i was 6 they are my world i love them 2 death i went to my aunt lindas house(my dads sister) and she asked my mom why i had so many bruises on my arms and upper legs after that i never heard from them again when i started school dyfs was called cause i went to school with bruises on my arms and legs i was told by dawn to tell them i fell off my bike and poppop grabbed my arm to keep me from fallin on the ground and i was clumsy and then threatned that if i told them the truth my brothers would get tookin away and i would never see them again so i lied and the case was closed as time went on the abuse got worse and worse they would hit me with a rubber hose cause it would bruise me internally and my school wouldnt know my head got pounded in the wall until the wall gave or i would give i got thrown down the stairs get picked up by my hair got locked in my room cause i was hungry i had to urinate in a bucket i had a chance when i was 12 to get out of that life and i took it my dad called in the end of october 2003 we got close and i moved there lived there for about 6 or 7 months and left cause i had a guilt trip put on me by dawn after the “honey moon” period it went back to the way it was i was gettin hit all over again by time i was 14 i got hospitalized for self mutilation i went cause i was smokin weed i was gone for 2 weeks went back to dawns then i gave up and my first attempt was made i took 100 tylenol and got knocked out i was hospitalized and sent to a longterm care facility i was gone for 4 months went back to dawns i was diagnosed bi polar at 15 i started doin herion drinkin alot had charges against me i was court ordered to be admited for 3 weeks cause i over dosed on xanax and flat lined and then i was sent to my residential emyl in jersey i was there for 7 months i am now 19 i am very screwed up in my head i have abandament issues i hurt others before they can hurt me i still have slip ups with cuttin i battle my past everyday of my lifei dont even live with dawn i live with my true mom and dad i left when i was 18 and moved to my dads house in sc not a day goes by that i dont think about death and how much i and everyone would be if i was dead i have alot of issues i have a problems when i sleep i get flash backs some one grabs my neck i freak out or in my mind everyone is going to hurt me i have trust issues i have no kids and thankful for that i got choked by my step father i have hatred towards dawn every day is a struggle for me i hurt so many people who love me and pushed them away i have to find reasons not to die my past haunt my present and will most likly haunt my future everyday is a struggle but i keep goin on i find reasons to live if i isnt for me then it is for my dad my dad saved me i never thought i would see age 19 let alone have a reason to live jst take it day by day if you cant do that take it hour to hour minute to minuteyou can make it dont give up i didnt and i know have a future cause of my mom and dad it took 19 years to feel comfortable bein me but it was worth the wait and it will be worth it to you