Suicide????????????????

WAT CAN I SAY I’VE TRIED AND TRIED TO DO THE LAST MOMENT AND SOMEHOW SOMETHING STOPS IT. FAMILY, FRIENDS ETC CREEPS IN MY HEAD AND EVERYTHING STOPS. I REALISE THEY LOVE ME AND CARE. THE THING IS I’VE HAD NOBODY FOR 15 YEARS REALLY AND IM WAT ALMOST 20 I KNOW PPL ON HERE USE AGE AGAINST OTHERS BUT ITS NOT FAIR CAUSE WAT PPL FEEL IS PAIN AND I’VE HAD HELL JUST LIKE ALL OF U BUT BELIEVE ME I KNOW WAT YOUR FEELING WE HAVE DIFFEENT PROBLEMS BUT FRANKLY WE FEEL ALMOST THE SAME FEELING WE ARE HUMAN EH! I CONSTANTLY WANT TO DIE I AM SO FED UP FEELING WORTHLESS, GUILTY, ASHAMED, ANGRY, CONFUSED AND MENTALLY UNSTABLE ETC. IT TAKES A TOLD ON MY LIFE EVERYDAY. I ALWAYS FEEL I HAVE TO FAKE A SMILE JUST TO FEEL NORMAL OR PRETEND EVERYTHING IS FINE. I FEEL ALONE MOST OF THE TIME EVEN THO THERES PPL AROUND ME FINALLY AFTER 15 YEARS DAT ACTUALLY CARE FOR ME ITS HARD TO GRASP THE CONCEPT THAT THEY R THERE DONT JUDGE ME FOR DAT I COULD TELL U MY WHOLE STORY IN ONE BREATH BUT THEN THERES ALL THE UNLINING STUFF WITH IT SO IM NOT GOING TO BOTHER JUST KNOW DAT I HAVE HAD A AWFUL SHIT LIFE SO FAR. IF I COULD GO TO SLEEP AND NEVER WAKE UP I WOULD LOVE IT TO HAPPEN. I NOT EVEN GOING BRING IN WAT I BELIEVE WITH THE RELIGION SIDE CAUSE DAT IS A PRIVATE THING FOR ME I DONT LIKE TALKING ABOUT PLUS SOME PPL  ARE QUITE JUDGEMENTAL ON DIS TOPIC OR CHOICE. WHY DO WE ALWAYS ASK OURSELVES WHY ME, HOW COME ME, DID I DO SOMETHING TO DESERVE WAT HAPEN TO ME, WHY WASNT ANYONE THERE TO STOP IT, WHERE WAS HELP, DO I HAVE TO BE GUILTY BOUT IT. THESE QUESTIONS WE ASK OURSELVES EVERYDAY AND WE NEVER SEEM TO FIND THE ANSWERS I GUESS LIFE IS FAR TO COMPLICATED AND FUCKED UP. I KNOW WE ARE ONLY HUMAN BUT I FEEL SO ABNORMAL AND UNHUMAN CAUSE OF THE FEELINGSAND PAIN I CARRY ROUND WITH ME EVERYDAY. I FEEL LIKE A NORMAL LIFE IS IMPOSSIBLE AND DAT I AM INCAPABLE OF LOVING MYSELF OR BEING LOVED. WAT AM I TO EXPECT FROM OTHERS WEN I DONT EVEN KNOW WAT I WANT OR NEED. DIS JUST GETS EVEN MORECOMPLICATED AND CONFUSING. MOST OF THE TIME I FEEL LIKE TLKING ABOUT IT IS JUST A WASTE OF TIME. AND I JUST FEEL LIKE IM BURDENIN OTHERS WITH MY PROBLEMS EVEN THO DATS WAT SOME ARE THERE FOR IE MENTAL HEALTH NURSES, PHYSCOTHERAPISTS ETC. I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I NEED TO MAKE UP FOR THE 15 YEARS OF MY LIFE BUT I KNOW DAT CANT HAPPEN I NEED TO GET OVER IT, MOVE ON AND ACCEPT WAT HAS HAPPENED BUT AS I KEEP SAYING EASIER SAID THEN DONE! PLZ LET ME DIE I KNOW I  WILL BE HURTING THE PPL DAT LOVE ME AND THEY WILL BE SAD FOR AWHILE BUT LIFE MOVES ON AND DATS WAT THEY WILL DO. BUT I CANT MOVE ON BECAUSE I COVER WAT HAPPEN TO ME UP FOR THE 15YEARS BY TAKING CARE OF OTHERS AND IGNORING MY OWN PROBLEMS IT WAS SO MUCH EASIER DAT WAY AND NOW DAT IT ALL HAS COME OUT IM REGRETING EVERY MINUTE OF IT WISHING IT WAS STILL IN THE BACK OF MI MIND AND FARAWAY. IF ANYONE WOULD LIKE TO KILL ME FEEL FREE AT LEAST MY MISERY WILL BE ONE FOR GOOD! BUT DONT MAKE IT PAINFUL OK I WANT IT AS PAINLESS AS POSSIBLE. EVEN THO I LOVE PHYSICAL PAIN SO MUCH IT DOES KILL THE EMOTIONAL PAIN FORAWHILE BUT THEN IT STARTS ALL OVA AGAIN. HELL WAT CAN I SAY THE WORLD IS HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL EVIL AND CORRUPTED AND WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH SHITTTTTTTTTT EVERYDAY ITS A CRAPPPPPPPPPP LIFE AND I WANT OWT! I WANT TO GO AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK ASHES ASHES DUST  DUST FUCK EVERYTHING I WANT TO DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!