I’ve suffered from depression ever since I can remember… but on march 19th this year I forgot about everything that had ever gone wrong in my life, I forgot about everything that I had ever thought hurt…
We met when I was in year 7, by the end of that first year we were inseparable… you never heard one of our names without the other. He was the person who I shared all my firsts with… he really was just everything. we were dating by the end of year 8, our inseparable friendship had now turned in to a love that words could never comprehend.. all we needed was each other.
Our souls were connected in every way imaginable.. we felt all the same feelings, but always magnified, we’d plan to kill ourselves together, we’d plan to move away together, we’d plan to grown old together what ever we wanted out of life… we wanted it together.
Now I would never try and say the our relationship was perfect, it was far from it… we could make each other more angry than I could possibly explain, we could hurt each other in a way that was unbearable, some how I struggle to remember any of the bad things anymore though.
At the end of year 11 we broke up, our only conversations were either drunken abusive messages or ‘I miss yous’.. and the occasional catch up that usually ended up with us having sex.
Three months later we got back together, like everyone knew we would.. we were back to normal again.. we shared conversations about how if anything our love had grown and we could never live with out each other again.
A year later a fight lead to us breaking up again… we were still us though, we still hung out, we still talked every day… we still loved each other.
I’m now with someone else, its not the same, its not that powerful kind of love, where everything you are is connected to that other person, its not that ‘they know everything about you’ kind of love, its not that ‘can’t live with out you kind of love’…
He knew about this other person, we talked about it.. stuff like that was always shared openly as we saw relationships with other people as no threat to the loved we shared for each other.
On march 17th we were out clubbing… having one of those amazing nights that never happens… one of those nights thats too amazing.One of my favorite memories from this night is him picking me up and throwing me over his should and carrying me from the club we were at to another one that is just around the corner.
He kept telling me how much he loved me, which wasn’t out of the ordinary. He also kept beginning deep conversations about how we were soulmates and all this stuff which now looking back on it was odd considering we were out drinking.
After a few shots, some dancing, laughing, mucking around he said he was going back to the other bar to see his sister… I didn’t know this was going to be the last time I ever saw him.
Later on that night he was trying to call me, I didn’t hear my phone because I was in the club.. I messaged him when I checked my phone, he said he needed to see me we planned to catch up a few days later, then he said he needed to see me now, I said I was still at the club and for him to come back, He called and I answered but couldn’t really hear I said for him to just message me, we said we loved each other and hung up.
Then things got strange, he said he was sorry, I asked for what and he said ‘you’ll see’ I said ‘you don’t need to be sorry for anything’ and he just said ‘you’ll see’ having had a few drinks I didn’t think much of it. Then he told me that I was the best person in his life, that I deserved happiness and that he loved me, I said all the same things back to him… then he told me he would be peaceful in death.. I went off at him telling him not to be stupid, he replied not to tell his mother.. I called her she was already up because he had been home and taken his car out.
I called him and messaged him repeatability, and at 3:14am on the 18th of march… his phone turned off, I still kept trying until I eventually fell asleep or something. I still kept trying when I woke up.. I had to go to school, I didn’t actually think anything had happened, I was still in constant contact with his mother asking if each other had heard from him… but I couldn’t let myself think anything had happened..
I was sitting in my lecture, mum messaged me saying I had to call immediatly and that it was important, I left my lecture and called she said she had to come get me but wouldn’t tell me why, I started panicing and did what she said, it still didn’t even come in to my mind… she wouldn’t tell me on the car ride home either, she was crying hysterically, we walked inside.. she looked at me and said “I don’t know how to tell you this” I feel on the floor and was shaking and screaming.. I wasn’t in my body though, I can see myself on the ground as if I was just looking down, I can see her and my sister trying to hug me and I just wouldn’t stop shaking and screaming.. I was there for hours.. I wouldn’t move.. I couldn’t stop screaming.
The next few days I can see, like I wasn’t actually part of them, everything else from then on is a blur.. I spoke at his funeral but I don’t remember being there.
It’s nearly been 4 months, I never went back to school. I’m on countless drugs, can’t sleep properly, have nightmares… but thats not even it… everything that my life was is gone. Â I used to know exactly what I wanted out of life, I always had a plan.. but now I don’t even ‘plan’ on waking up the next day.
I have no desire to die, I just have also lost all desire to live.
2 comments
I do not know what to say…I understand. My son killed himself on May 27. I am devastated…but his fiance is just so devastated, as well. I stay close to my other children. I try to be there for them to lean on..I must be strong. One tragedy is more than enough…everyone that goes this way has a great potential of taking more loved ones with them. I know you are so hurt and lost…..I am so sorry for this loss. Words cannot express this deep grief.
Hello girl
The solution to your troubled feelings comes in a cool understanding and analysis of facts, not on letting emotions push you to and from all sides,
There is no doubt about it that emotionally he was,unfortunately, very unbalanced. Committing suicide for a thing like that, plus in the knowledge of the pain inflicted to the other person, is definitively a completely unbalanced move. It is very important that you understand that. It has been like an emotionall blackmail, a sort of revenge, an inmature demonstration of a wrong sublimation of love. Whatever the quarrels you had, nothing justifies an extreme move like that. The passionate love you talk about, as you see, was viced without you two actually knowing it, but at that young age, you just imagine and feel things but dont understand them. To identify vices in a relationship you need to be mature and intelligent. You would not imagine how many thousands of millions of relationships out there are lead by individuals and couples who are just living an imaginary experience that has nothing to do with a sound, mature, love.
It is important that you realise, that that attack on your emotions that he launched was not coming from a pure stable soul, but from a troubled mind. He did not die of an accident or of an illness or in a brave act of trying to save your life, in which case you could be lamenting his lost and remembering him as unique. As years will go by, you will someday be able to assess things with perspective and your feelings towards it will change and you will see and hate the years or time you spent suffering for this when you should have not.
Also, you talk of going to school. it seems that you are teenagers? If yes, no surprise. Unfortunately, teenagers are nowadays tremendously unstable emotionally, they go for X-treme experiences in all senses, and engage in things that are beyond what they are able to handle.
So, the final advice is that you start seeing yourself as an unfair victim and that you dont have to go through that blackmail. You need now a healthy, stable, easy guy.
As per the drugs you mention, you mean medicines, or you mean illegal drugs. If you mean illegal stuff, no need to tell you. Off with it or they ll finish you and add more problems to this. Stick to the view I have presented to you, look ahead and just regard the thing as that you have been a victim of an unstable person, what I mean, it could have been me who were in your shoes, or someone else, whoever came across him, would have been a victim.
regards
O