I’m 13 years old, almost 14. Since 5th grade, there hasn’t been a single thing that can stray me from thoughts of pure nothingness. Not for over three days. My entire life so far has been crap. Starting out with me as a young kid. I was always that kid in the back of the class no one really talked to. Everyone laughed at me, pushed me around, all of that. Typical kid stuff. I go on with my life and make people I guess…you would call them friends. But, they soon began taunting me and saying I just wanted attention. During classes I’d feel really sad and wouldn’t talk to anyone all day… I never understood, I thought it was normal. That leads up to now. Everyone, even people I don’t know, taunt me in the back ground. I had a facebook (which I now deleted). Someone posted a picture of me which was of a class. Some guy who I didn’t know began saying how weird it was that I never smiled. He laughed at how in the picture, I just didn’t look like a human. Then some other people joined him. “She’s just trying to make people think she’s depressed” another girl replied. I never would have known if my new set of friends hadn’t told me. The girl who’d made the depression comment was none other than my old group leader. Everyone said it was only cause she was jealous, and mind you this was a month ago. But now, its evolving into something much worse. There are people fighting left and right on there. So, I said one last thing. “I don’t smile because my teeth would only be another reason for you to laugh at me. I’m sorry I’m not the way you want me to be. Actually, I’m only sorry because you guys couldn’t accept it…” Once again, the feeling for the darkness of a coffin encasing me grew. I sat alone in my room for days without eating, a knife that my brother had given me by my side. Thoughts coming back to me left and right. I knew people who did this, who killed themselves. All I could think was: “Look at what they’ve done to you. Those selfish bastards killed themselves and made life a much worse hell for you.” I kept on thinking things like this. So, I decided a notebook should be kept. As I began writing my thoughts in it, I knew something was going to go wrong, and it did. While I had that “true” friend over, she saw it. The red notebook which all of my thoughts were in. When I left she’d switched my notebook with a black one, and then said she had to leave. I hadn’t noticed the change until she left. I stared at the notebook in disbelief. How could we switch notebooks like that? Clueless idiots… But no. It fell open when I dropped it to the floor, almost in tears, and opened up to a page that read: “If you are reading this, you know I’ve taken your notebook. I’ll return it in the morning.” After her reading it, all she’s wanted to do is talk to me about my problems.
Lately, family isn’t so great either. My sister says we’re the worst family she could ask for. My mother said that I’m an ungrateful kid. My dad hasn’t seen me in months. My mom decided she wanted to move out of our house, the one we’d inhabited for 10 years now. She wants to move into the country, into a place where I’ll have nothing. Well, if you don’t consider what I have right now nothing.
My friend came to visit me fromÂ Missouri. I call him my brother because thats how we are. He’s like a brother I’d never had…until now. Only three days of seeing him and for some reason he’s punching me, kicking me…choking me. And I don’t understand why. Did I do something to him? He’s the one who left this place and never told us he wasn’t coming back.
Thats when the thoughts kicked in. “Stupid ass. Why are you letting him get away with this?” And here I am.
I don’t know what to do, think… or even feel. I don’t like feeling like this at all. So helpless and weak… I want everyone to pay, and yet I want to get away from them…