3 years

I met a girl around 5 years ago.  I knew from the second I met her that we would have a relationship and a child together.  I have a gift.  So I waited around for two years.  Yes I went thru several girlfriends.  And then one day out of the blue I got a phone call from a friend of hers asking me to come over and “hang out”.  We were inseperable for about 8 months.  We split up and a few months later we got back together.  This time we lasted about another 8 months.   And split up again.  This time I really thought it was over.  And once again she came back into my life.  This time with problems.  We almost immediatly got pregnant.   Then she gets introuble with the landlord of her apartment complex.  So I end up finding a house that she can buy.  I give the guy the downpayment in cash and make HER sign the paperwork.  Its our house.  No its her house.  I move everything from my place into hers.  She is 110% set up at this point.  She has everything, a new car, a new house, every room furnished, and a new 1 year old.(and now the next 17 years of child support)  So around March she decides to throw another tantrum.  And illegally gets a restraining order on me.  Tells the judge and everybody else LIES.  2 days before hand I said this, “if my child ever ends up like your sisters kid, I will beat him within an inch of his life and send him away to millitary school” (this is shortly after we left her sisters house, one child of hers said fuck you to his dad, and the other ran away and hid at her bf’s house for the weekend.  Both children are under 14)  She told the judge ” he  threatened to beat my son within an inch of his life your honor”  Yeah No shit.  So it is months later, and i’m waiting for her to drop all this shit.  and she does not.  I find out from a mutual friend of ours that she infact does have a new bf and his kids are calling her mom!  Somebody please hold a gun to my head.  I dont know how to do it.  I don’t like  blood or pain or i would have already killed myself.  One of my friends accidently fell of a 2nd story roof and didnt kill himself.  so thats not an option.  I’m thinking about killing myself in my car.  Running it down a ravine or off a cliff.   The way I look at it is it has to be at least 100 foot drop for me to even consider it.  with nothing stopping me except the bottom. 

I actually run around downtown screaming ****** just to see if anybody shoots me.  And I am not racist in any way.   I hang out in seedy parts of town and flash large denominations of cash around.  Nobody will help me.  

The only thing that has stopped me before in the past is not doing it correctly.