All day…

All day today people asked me how I was so strong; how I could hold up so well; how it was I could have such a positive outlook on everything. How was it I could remain so strong?

All day I walked around trying so hard to believe in that goodness; in the need for people to be inherently good towards one another if for no other reason than the desire to not cause unnecessary pain and suffering.

I am not delusional or irrational about what I want. While I understand that some people will think I am all worked up over a failed relationship the fact is, relationships come and go.

Please if you are reading this and are depressed, angry or otherwise because someone does not love you — realize there will be others. I know it doesn’t seem that way to you right now. Realize fear is not what you think….it is inside your own fears that you will not love someone else again, or the fear that someone will love you and you will make them feel what you are feeling right now. That means you are a rational person who knows what it is like to not want to hurt someone else. If you do not understand this find someone who can explain it to you, then change. The World needs goodness not jackasses.

If someone comes to you and says to you that you’ve hurt them, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem to you, it is for whatever reason something that affected this person in such a way that they had to tell you.

It is difficult to tell others how you feel, especially when it means telling someone they caused you pain. Unless this person really is in pain they will not tell you. You need to pay attention. If it is your “ex;” if it is someone you loved once but don’t love that way any longer — it doesn’t matter… You know why? It is their pain; it is their turmoil – it is not yours. You gave it to them, maybe you can cope with that pain but when someone comes to you looking for guidance because whatever it is you have done that caused them to feel this way — well, it is not something they can cope with — they need you to guide them even if for only a minute where you tell them “you understand” “you will be there” “you care” —

It is knowing that when someone comes to you, even if you think they are “some crazy ex-girlfriend.” Don’t worry, rationality will more often than not return to the situation once they no longer feel all alone, abandoned, insignificant. Tell them you understand and are sorry; let them fall asleep crying and your lap or in your arms. Very few people are not rational when presented with rational reactions — and the rational reaction is not to want to see anyone (or animal for that matter) in emotional or physical pain that you can end.

Do not use people. Do not tell yourself you need this month’s rent so you will stay in a relationship. Do not put yourself in the position of being alone in a relationship — realize no matter what you have found someone who for whatever reason means something to you and you to them — NOW STOP thinking you are so great they will never replace you. If you let them go — they will replace you.

DO NOT cause the people, lovers, friends or even strangers in your life to doubt your basic humanity. And you — yeah you the person who believes they are so wonderful that you cannot be replaced…..You are the man, woman, boy or girl who thinks your decision to end a relationship is only your decision….THINK AGAIN. It takes 2 to get into a relationship; and 2 to get out. Have some respect that the other person also decided they trusted you enough to be in this relationship, and that you are betraying that trust. Give them a break, and remember you will be replaced. That person you are leaving — yeah, them there crying on the floor — they don’t want you anymore, but you are their closest friend, confidant; you are the person they expected to turn to when shit fell apart. Be that person. Remove your ego, obviously you have one because if you didn’t your relationship would have worked a little better.

When someone finally comes to you — realize they are turning to you because you are important to them…. a reluctance to appreciate humanity and goodness is what I cannot grasp. It is finally meeting someone who when faced with saying they are sorry for causing pain, acknowledging that their actions were in essence selfish and that they did not mean to cause hurt and pain but rather were only thinking of themselves at that moment — well instead of that; instead of wrapping their arms around me to give me a hug; to show friendship; to show caring; to show love — they hit me, causing a physical pain to match this emotional pain. It is the realization that the person you believed cared about you enough that you turned to them for help — well you were wrong about them. You are now not only screwed in the head from your first round of rejection but now faced with the knowledge you are sans your friend as well.

I am not that strong. I am not strong enough to continue. I came to you. I do not want a “relationship” with you after everything you’ve put me through. I just want to know that I meant something; that I meant enough to change the fucking sheets; that I mean enough that you can acknowledge this pain and hurt I am going through; you can find the time for the things that make me feel pain from my toes to the ends of my hair; you can find time to fuck other women in the bed I helped buy, in the apartment I paid more than half the rent on… after all this you realize you are not making anything better for either of us through your hurtful words. This coupled with everything else I deal with — work, my Mom, my bills, my things — now I have to deal with something you choose to inflict on me and refuse to realize while not important to you, it is that proverbial straw on this camel’s back. Instead you hit me; you caused me more of what I wanted to escape from. Keep hitting me — I don’t feel it – and obviously you need to hurt me to feel yourself. Tomorrow though I will be gone, and you will be left all alone with that pain you so readily gave to me, and I so readily accepted because I couldn’t stand to see you struggle when I could help.

I can’t bear this. I wouldn’t have gotten to know you if I thought people like you existed. Now I know people like you do exist, and I will not trust others as innocently as I did you and all before I met you. There are much better relationships out there for me, but because of you I will never believe in that theoretical greatness of love again — it is just too big of a risk that I will misjudge another and end up like this again.