I have sat here countless times with the exact emotions I’m feeling right now; so desperately wanting to speak to someone or at the very least simply to explain to anyone or anything how things are but who is there to turn to? Depression, ill-health, pain – they are things non-sufferers can’t relate to and I imagine that any time I try to speak to someone about my situation I am perceived to be whining.
“There are people worse off than me, who am I to complain?”
Next month I will have been ill for ten years, having started at the age of 15. I am in pain constantly, physically and mentally. Physically, I cannot walk properly, I am unbalanced, I cannot sit on upright chairs, I feel like I am being punched and stabbed every time I move. Simply getting up and doing menial tasks is exhausting and frequently too much effort. I am housebound, on good days I can manage a walk of a few hundred metres but that precludes me from being able to do anything remotely physical for the rest of the day. Car journeys are agony and are almost exclusively reserved for medical appointments. I’m aware my medicine helps solely because if I miss a dose the discomfort reaches new heights hours after the error but it does not help me lead anything close to a normal life. My physical condition impacts my mental condition. Practically speaking my memory and concentration are diabolical. I forget what I am saying half-way through a sentence, or get ‘stuck’ on a word when speaking. I have a conversation with someone, only to have no recollection of it hours later. My depression plunges to new depths frequently despite seeking psychological and psychiatric help. These appointments have helped in some ways but my symptoms are returning. I see things, I hear things. It is like having commentators following me wherever I go. I do not want to kill myself but the death of either me or the people close to me are all I dream about. I wake up with the sensation that I’m getting ready to kill myself. If I distract myself with music, a film or a game it takes my mind off things but doing anything takes energy and I have precious little of it. The moment I lose the distraction, I lose my marbles. When my mood or physical condition is on a “good day” it’s like a pendulum; it swings high to make me feel good for a while, only to swing to an excessive low as soon as the momentum goes. It’s like a punishment for daring to feel good for a while. My life consists of waking up, struggling to get moving, struggling to make it to the afternoon when I fall asleep again. Then there’s another struggle to wake up, a struggle to achieve anything before dinner, then an evening where I’m too tired to do anything constructive. Eventually I fall in to bed, only to have another unrestful night of poor sleep and bad dreams followed by waking up the next morning to start the cycle anew. There are exceptions, days where unexpectedly I manage to achieve something. Perhaps my head is clear or my limbs more mobile, perhaps I manage to be of help to someone or help to myself. These days are the minority. I feel that I my ‘daily struggle’ exists solely so that I can start the following day’s struggle. I haven’t had the energy to actively fight this for years but when I run out of energy what happens? I don’t die, of course. I simply become overwhelmed and wait for the slight comfort of sleep – which in reality consists of upsettingly lucid dreams and thoughts about my death, hoping that maybe tomorrow my batteries will have recharged. My batteries get a little top-up, they don’t get recharged. Why am I typing this? I don’t know. My life is not without its positives; I am looked after by a lovely cat. Barring my parents I only have two friends in real life but they mean a lot to me. I am fortunate to be able to type with ease and count myself lucky that I have spoken to a few people online for years and consider these friends to be very ‘true’ and honest but how can I speak to them about this? I can’t speak to anyone about this. On the rarest of occasions when I’ve tried to talk to someone, what are they supposed to say?
“There there, it’ll be okay”
Yes, right. Of course it will.
Next month I will have been ill ten years and I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.
PS: Typing this has been cathartic but I am really having to fight closing the tab and refraining from posting. I cant
4 comments
First off i want to say that i admire you immensely. every day people complain of the most silly things. even i am at fault for that. i take many things for granted and dont realize that most people cant do the stuff that im feebly complaining about. You have an illness that over powers you in a way that severly affects every minute of your life, and yet you still continue on with it. No matter how low you are feeling, reading this i got a very positive vibe from you, that you know you have this illness but you are still able to keep going and hopefully it will get better. Depression affects so many people and i am one of them. It a dark lonely place but helping get through it is knowing you have people there you can talk to. I know you are struggling but i see so much in you from just reading your short story. I dont want to be another “there there, itll get better” but i really hope it does get better for you. You are also a beautiful writer, and maybe something you could try and do is write a book about who you are and the struggles you face so others can read youre story and reach out. Not just an online posting. I hope you do get better and i know i have no idea who you are but ill pray for you, and i hope i helped 🙂
To my dearest voi,
I hope that all is well with you and that you are feeling fine…that the pain and aching in your body is at a minimal. Even so, I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I applaud you so much for being strong. Please do not get me wrong…I in no way pity you…but i symphatize with you. See, when i receive a little headache or backache of some sort, i get down and is ready to lash out on the world. But you my friend, you go through all of this and continually remain positive. I know how hard it is to try see the light in a negative situation, but for some reason I am glad that you do. I know this post is suppose to be helping you but I would just like to thank you! Thanks for helping me not to take things for granted and complain about little things that go wrong. Thanks for giving me a new appreciation of life.
Even so, I wish you the best that life has to offer. Life has given us so many trials and tribulations and so many obstacles to overcome that sometimes it can seem unbearable. But I do wish for you all the joy, love and peace that this world has to offer. I’ll keep you in my prayers. But I hope that you receive the strength needed to overcome your situation and circumstance.
If you want or perhaps need someone or anyone to talk to, you can contact me at angeloflight91@hotmail.com. It will be an honor to listen to you and assist if I can.
May peace be with you:)
In all honesty i can relate to your story. and it scares me. Because i know that this could be me if i don’t fix what’s going on. While reading your post i felt as if i was physically falling. i was lost in a ball of emotions. and i wanted to cry. not because i pity you but because it hurts me more to know that someone else is feeling what i’m feeling, going thru what i’m going thru and a much more sever level. I am currently only at me 6th year of depression as mine started at the age of 12. And now i’m scared. i’m not trying to make you feel worse about yourself. so don’t. because this is not your fault. if you wanna ever talk about what your feeling i’m willing to listen. may your story be an ispiration to us all to keep on fighting.
Kobess, AngelOfLight and Anberpsych, thank you for taking the time to reply. I’m not always very good at thinking of words when it comes to replying to someone but – thank you for the non-patronising encouragement.
Kobess, I have an ongoing writing project I try to focus on when I can. It’s not about my illness but it does make me feel positive at the times when I’m able to get anything down on paper. I have wondered about trying to write something about my… “experience” but honestly, I don’t know what I would say.
Thank you for the heartfelt reply Angel, I will take you up on your offer and drop you a line.
Anberpsych; I am sorry. Sorry that you can relate to what I said so well but also I’m sorry that it alarmed you. My situation is better than many but worse than many – about the only thing that’s certain in life is that we don’t truly know what is ahead of us. You could turn a corner suddenly, or maybe I could, who knows? The feelings and thoughts I typed were completely honest but they are not how I feel for every single minute of the day and I hope it’s the same with you too. I really hope that whatever your circumstances are you start to feel better – or even ‘just’ stronger soon.