Ok so Im 16 years old, and I cannot live anymore. Ill start from the time I was 12 ( this sounds stupid since im so young) but I tried to kill myself when I was 12. Unfortunatly just wound up in a kids mental ward for a week. I was diagnosed with anxiety when I was around 8. Diagnosed with depression at 11, Seasonal depression at 14. I am pretty overweight too. I used to be so skinny but was on abilify at one point and caused me to gain a substancial amount of weight ive never been able to get rid of. But anyway ive almost killed myself soo manytimes. At least 20 times ive made a plan. I am 100% sure that if my family owned a gun, i would not be alive. Unfortunatly I am way to scared to survive again, and have not come up with a surefire way to die. But basicly, what has set me off this time is about a week ago I started my junior year. And I and my best friends and I arent exactly talking because of stupid crap. Well I didnt take my medication all summer and when i get back i realize I fell SO awkward among all these people! And ive always thought of myself as someone not super popular but in the middle kinda popular you know? And the guy I was talking to all summer decided to get with some girl I didnt know about who is now his girlfriend. And that hurts a lot, because ive talked to a lot of guys and was in a serious realshonship with one and didnt feel ready for another till he came along..and now im devastated hes gone. I feel like a nobody and that ive got no true friends, no guy there seems to find me attractive, i just dont think I can Make it through this year. Another thing is that my parents have allowed me no privacy anymore. I partied a lot the past two years and have probably wrecked my brain more than I know. Ive had nights where I was told I finished a whole bottle all by myself. I was top of my class, all honors and AP classes but this year im only left in one of them, Im not quite so smart, I dont have a lot of short term memory. And I feel so inferior in the regular classes. My parents think nothing of me really but I need either my friends back or I really need a guy in my life, because I am SO lonely. I cry myself to sleep. I dont want to die, but I dont want to live. I feel really guilty posting on here, bc a friend of mine just died and that does make things harder and I dont want it to seem like im going bc of her, you know? its hard to explain. This is a jumbled mess of reasons. I am sorry, i just need to know someone else feels like this?
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2 comments
that sounds an awful lot like me!
Dear sarahdelilah,
I’ve been suicidal myself for a good number of years. Perhaps, my whole teenage career? I’m 20 years old now, so you can take a good bet that all my attempts failed. I haven’t figured out a sure way that I won’t be foiled or that there would be a 100% success assurance. But personally, my problem was more about fearing the consequences of ending it all.
Much like your story, I wasn’t very popular in school. and neither am I right now. All I know now that much of the stuff that I saw, did, and experienced back during my teenage years don’t exactly matter as much as other things bothering me now do. I did experience a whole lot of weirdness back then. I was one of the top students of all the classes I’ve had since grade school. I was shy for most, probably a social retard? I didn’t have much friends because my family kept moving places. I never really got to work on how to connect to people well. I somehow wished for real friends, not the ever-common “hi-bye” friends. I also somehow thought a girlfriend, a relationship would make things better. (I still sometimes do) I did have one, but after that fell apart, I soon found it difficult to trust people. I then became more lonely and isolated.
My attempt where I was closest to seriously succeeding was foiled by a friend, ironically, my ex. It was on the top floor of the school i was in back then. after that, I guess people didn’t really help. The thing that sucks about failed attempts is that people around you are so worried, they take control of your life “for your own good”. I had one too many psychiatric treatments and sessions. I hated those. There will be that thing where everyone looks down on you as weak, unable to live your life properly. Obviously, not helpful. It’s a mean cycle that may just make you worse.
People come and go, everyone has their own lives after all. Not everything can be on our control. But this doesn’t mean that you can’t live your life and make your own mind on things. This is just my own take, but I believe that we are driven to suicidal thoughts when life becomes really burdensome. What you wrote sure is a whole bunch of things. But I can make you a good bet that you’re not alone in the things you experience. Life is loaded with problems and all that. People don’t all experience the same things, but we pretty much all have our issues. This is the reason as to why I’ve been suicidal until now. I still say so because the thought comes and goes, as well do problems in life. You still are very young. I know it’s very cliche of me to say that there’s much more problems to come to you in later times, but it’s not just problems, but a whole bunch of things. Maybe that boy you’ve been waiting on? Maybe better friends to live with? Who knows.
Even people past their teenage lives have issues and cry themselves to sleep. Life is not perfect, it doesn’t have to be however, to live through it. I am very sure you’d be able to rise out of the jumbled mess your in. It’s called a teenage career, and for most, it’s times chuck FULLER of problems in one’s life.
Take care, hang in there and stay strong.