I don’t know why I’m writing this, who its for, who it’s to. I don’t know much about anything these days, nothing that matters anyway. I feel pre-programmed, living life as a ghost. I feel completely alone even when surrounded by people. I don’t know why, I don’t understand. I’m athletic and fit, studying at uni, working in a good job, pretty popular and liked by a lot of people. But it doesnt matter, it never has. I feel like I should be happy, but hide behind forced smiles & fake gestures.
I feel like I’m living a lie, wearing a mask to protect others, by hiding myself. What am I hiding? aaahhhh no idea. I wish I did, but there is no solution for me. I’ve always been this way, I think I’m broken. I’ve tried to kill myself a few times, usually when drunk so I havn’t had much luck. I think I’m getting closer though. It’s like the more things start to go ‘right’ the more isolated I feel. And no one see’s it, I don’t know if I am good at hiding it, but I’m drowning and people are starring, smiling but just watching me fall. I got close once, got pretty messed up, for the first time I felt in control.
I’m not afraid of death, I run to it, its an escape, a way out, a goal.
I don’t know why I’m wasting your time guys, hopefully wont be around long enough to write many more.
I havn’t met you, I don’t even know you, but, I already love you.