Hey Guys,
I don’t know why I’m writing this, who its for, who it’s to. I don’t know much about anything these days, nothing that matters anyway. I feel pre-programmed, living life as a ghost. I feel completely alone even when surrounded by people. I don’t know why, I don’t understand. I’m athletic and fit, studying at uni, working in a good job, pretty popular and liked by a lot of people. But it doesnt matter, it never has. I feel like I should be happy, but hide behind forced smiles & fake gestures.
I feel like I’m living a lie, wearing a mask to protect others, by hiding myself. What am I hiding? aaahhhh no idea. I wish I did, but there is no solution for me. I’ve always been this way, I think I’m broken. I’ve tried to kill myself a few times, usually when drunk so I havn’t had much luck. I think I’m getting closer though. It’s like the more things start to go ‘right’ the more isolated I feel. And no one see’s it, I don’t know if I am good at hiding it, but I’m drowning and people are starring, smiling but just watching me fall. I got close once, got pretty messed up, for the first time I felt in control.
I’m not afraid of death, I run to it, its an escape, a way out, a goal.
I don’t know why I’m wasting your time guys, hopefully wont be around long enough to write many more.
I havn’t met you, I don’t even know you, but, I already love you.
Matt 😉
3 comments
I feel pre-programmed, living life as a ghost.
This is called depesonalization or derealization.
I feel completely alone even when surrounded by people.
That’s a very common phenomenon. It just means you don’t have emotional intimacy with any of the people around you. You have to feel like you’re being yourself around people, and that you’re being accepted for it, to not feel that way.
Overall though, I don’t really understand your situation. This is interesting: “It’s like the more things start to go ‘right’ the more isolated I feel.” What is that like? How could those be connected?
I’m sorry you feel that way, I have never experienced that before because I was always the outcast. BUT____ I DO NOT think you should kill yoursself, because you are a person worth getting to know. Not because you are popular, or go to a fancy smart school, but because you are a person with a kind heart who just feels out of pace with his peers. Maybe you should try making new friends who you like and want to be around? (Im sorry if my advice sucks, Im recovering from depression so its kinda useless) But I care so if you want you can contact me, all you have to do is ask. 🙂
I don’t know man, how they’re connected or anything. I mean the more I do well at Uni, or work, and things are going well, I feel like I should be happy. But I’m not. i won’t have to worry about it too much longer, I’ve sorted out how I’m gonna do it.
Thanks tho man