Fidgety

So lets jump right on in… Im a 20 year old drop out, been on probation for the past three years… Ive got two girlfriends right now which is completley out of charactor for me because im a gentleman for the most part, but anymore i dont care, i feel my relationships are going to end the same way they always do me being left for someone else cause im too nice or too caring, or just not a piece of shit! So why not try n mix things up and Im tired.
Everything seems like its about to just explode or implode or some kind of volitile ‘plosion! Ive been struggling with suicidal urges since i was 15 ive been pretty strong and resolute for the most part but now i feel like nothing more than a husk, dried and lifeless. My days concist of nothing more than waking up around noon, smoking pot, feeling usless, baby sitting my brothers kids, and end by struggling to go to sleep at night with the fear and innner termoil i deal with on a a regular basis. My weeks even better They are mainly just A collection of days where i have failed to be productive in my life what so ever. I visit a few friends, mope around, and get in an arguement with an ex… still love her lol…even tho i gave all of myself to her… and she left me…three times…for that piece of shit… But i dont hate her for it… i dont hate my self..well not for that, but it goes without saying that thinking about it only brings out more sadness. God I use to have a life, i use to have friends, and plans, and i was happy. What happened to everything? Where did all of the joy in my life go, it like i just woke up one day this lonely, fidgety man with nothing but some hazy memories of fadded smiles. I hate this sooo much, being like this. I know this is wrong, ppl arent suppose to feel like this. So used up, so early in life what have i done? NOTHING! Ive accomplished nothing in my life and the fight of trying has left me exhausted…. I…I just…Idk… My left eye lid has begun to spasm as i feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I know that every one has their own problems but i cannot help but be so vane. ive tryed so hard to be a strong happy person, and now all i feel is like a miserable being hiding behind a mask of smiles. Some one plz give me a clue as to what to do. Ive been putting cigarettes out on my body… i like the idea of a burn rather than a cut, with a burn u feel more u feel the nerves shreeking as they are melted, u feel the hole left from the intence heat that has left your flesh marred, and u feel the slow prosess of healing, your scab being ripped off time and time again, and it takes soo long to heal like the deepest betrayal, and after the pain is finally done there is always a reminder left… you never forget, just like the emotional wounds we deal with every day… I cant help but be a little upset im even thinking these things… let alone doing them… well im going to continue twitching and fidgetting as i wait to hear something from someone…