I decided to commit suicide over a month ago. I’ve been preparing and now I am spending my last couple of weeks doing this;
I am not going to work, I am spending money on all my favourite food, music and films. Today for instance, I have cleaned up my house, and myself (I was a bit of a mess), and went shopping. I have just eaten my favourite meal and I intend to snack all day. I am lying here on the sofa, listening to the wind blowing outside, and watching the trees, I am about to put on a f@cking great film. I feel good. In fact, I just stopped and took a moment, and I realised that right now, I couldn’t possibly be any happier. I am totally content.
So, it just made me also realise that it is NOT me, the problem is NOT me! I CAN be happy, and with very little. But the only reason I am happy is because I know I wont be around to face the consequences of this happiness – such as, I don’t care if I get fat from eating whatever I want this week and maybe next week. I don’t care if I lose my job and I don’t care if my money is running out.Â
During my very many despairing moments, I have yearned for the world to just stop, just for a short while so I can catch my breath. But that’s impossible, well I thought it was until now. Today, for me, the world HAS stopped, I have stopped it, and it’s really beautiful, and simple.Â
It’s not life I hate, it’s society – the way in which we are forced (and brainwashed) to live our lives. Life is beautiful – today proves that. But if I allow my trained and ‘disciplined’ mind to kick in right now, I will immediately start to panic and worry once again – about the weight, about the job, about the money, about whether I should be returning calls and emails.Â
I am glad that I chose to spend my last moments on earth this way – simple, and free, and free of time. It proves that I love life, that I appreciate life. My suicide will be me proving that I hate society and simply cannot conform. Society kills people.