I decided to commit suicide over a month ago. I’ve been preparing and now I am spending my last couple of weeks doing this;
I am not going to work, I am spending money on all my favourite food, music and films. Today for instance, I have cleaned up my house, and myself (I was a bit of a mess), and went shopping. I have just eaten my favourite meal and I intend to snack all day. I am lying here on the sofa, listening to the wind blowing outside, and watching the trees, I am about to put on a f@cking great film. I feel good. In fact, I just stopped and took a moment, and I realised that right now, I couldn’t possibly be any happier. I am totally content.
So, it just made me also realise that it is NOT me, the problem is NOT me! I CAN be happy, and with very little. But the only reason I am happy is because I know I wont be around to face the consequences of this happiness – such as, I don’t care if I get fat from eating whatever I want this week and maybe next week. I don’t care if I lose my job and I don’t care if my money is running out.Â
During my very many despairing moments, I have yearned for the world to just stop, just for a short while so I can catch my breath. But that’s impossible, well I thought it was until now. Today, for me, the world HAS stopped, I have stopped it, and it’s really beautiful, and simple.Â
It’s not life I hate, it’s society – the way in which we are forced (and brainwashed) to live our lives. Life is beautiful – today proves that. But if I allow my trained and ‘disciplined’ mind to kick in right now, I will immediately start to panic and worry once again – about the weight, about the job, about the money, about whether I should be returning calls and emails.Â
I am glad that I chose to spend my last moments on earth this way – simple, and free, and free of time. It proves that I love life, that I appreciate life. My suicide will be me proving that I hate society and simply cannot conform. Society kills people.
7 comments
that made me cry. infact i have been crying the whole day. i wish i had ur courage to go through with suicide. i hate society too. i wish one day i stop my world too just so i catch my breath but i am too scared….and then what?
They do say to live every moment as if it’s your last. Maybe you’re on to something.
I think your on to something as well. Why is it conforming to society if YOU are doing what makes YOU happy? Its sounds like you have been having a blast doing the things you love…. I say, dont worry about the consequences of no job no money etc…… find a money maker doing what you love! Doing what is peaceful and giving you that peace that you find now!
You can be your biggest fan………I say if you are the happiest now, then keep doing what your doing… live on with care free happiness and do what ever it is that you love
It would be nice if all of society thought more like you did. It sounds like you are having a great time, I think we should all be able to do what makes us truly happy.
I really love what you wrote here
thank you for writing this!
and if I may add some several quotes so as to ‘connect’ with your beautiful post:
“Your time is limited, don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living the result of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinion drowned your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what yo truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.†– Steve Jobs
“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed” – Albert Einstein
“If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change.” – Buddha
“Do not follow where the path may lead. Go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“it’s never fun at the end of our lives to say we have lived the dreams of others” – Joe Jahn
“Life is as happy and meaningful as you make it.”
I say, f*ck and screw ‘society’, especially ‘mainstream society’ and what they say. and just keep doing what you KNOW you can be TRUE to Yourself!
heck, many greatest people in our earthly world’s history has been those ‘Loners’ and ‘Dreamers’ kind of people whom people view them as ‘lunatic, crazy, hopeless impossible dreamer’ and many other hurtful things….but they PRESERVED and the world wouldn’t be the same without these inspiring kind of people!
(PS: I’m also learning to say “f*ck and screw society & their expectations. *I* am the one who live my life, and *I* decide to be what I want to be, as long as *I* am still breathing!”. it does feel powerful and made somewhat more a happier person 🙂 ).
you control your life. Life is yours. Do what you want but suicide really? You can catch your breath there has be those moments and you just sound stressed out and worried over everything. You don’t need to! Just enjoy your life, have a good time, make living each day as if your last.
bump