How suicide has shown to be the only answer for me and not a decision

I first took an overdose at the age of 14 , although there was a boy involved in my unhappiness at that time, deep inside, I knew it was more than that, although I was too young to be able to understand it fully. My parents didn’t know I took the overdose, they just thought I was sick for a couple of days, but my mum knew I was upset about the boy at that time. She told me that I am young and boys will come and go blah blah and I have a whole life ahead of me. To which I replied that I know full well that boys will come and go and that doesn’t actually make me feel any better. We talked about love and she was surprised that I, even at that age, had the opinion that love was some kind of trick and it’s impossible and futile to think that love can last forever or even make you happy all the time you’re involved in it, that for sure there would be equal amount of pain too. She said I was pessimistic, but I asked her about her own love life with my dad, I wasn’t going to buy into the lie of it all – I could see the unhappiness in their eyes, on their faces, it’s really visible! And , they actually were doing okay! Compared to many other married couples I saw, they still held hands and kissed and looked at each other in that genuine loving way – I could see that, but I could also see the pain. She told me that you have to work at a marriage, you can’t just expect everything to run smoothly, you have to make some sacrifices. I understood this, but I also understood that love was a lie and I set out to work out why we all fall for it, and I set out to work out other things about life too.

I fell down the rabbit hole of love a few times and felt the glory of it and the savagery. I also did all the right things that I am supposed to do in life; pay my bills, keep clean, keep healthy, socialise, go on holiday, give to the poor, love and care for my friends and family and try to live within the laws that are put upon us to keep us in line.  I got to the age of 30 and hit a thick fog. I knew this was coming, I had had ‘dark’ thoughts and feelings since I was a kid, but I was always told to ignore them. That’s what everyone did, they all said things such as ‘oh don’t start thinking like that you’ll end up killing yourself!’ “keep yourself busy’ ‘lets go to the pub, it’ll take your mind off it’ ‘lets go for a walk along the river, you like that, it’ll make you feel better’. 

I went to a strict catholic school until I was 17 and and so I know all about the teachings of the bible and about Jesus and God. In bible class I was told off constantly for asking too many questions and not understanding a lot of stuff. Our bible study teacher was a nun and she hated me because I was pretty, she told me so, she told me that my ‘pretty face would send me straight to hell’ she said ‘I can see where you’re going girl, that face is a curse’ – can you believe that? Anyway, although that sounds so awful and many of you will jump on that, it didn’t upset me at all, all it did was make me realise how absurd she was – I already had started to think this seen as she couldn’t answer simple questions and not only that, she got angry about me even asking them, that showed me ignorance.

Since leaving school, although I had boyfriends and a full social life, my main interests were art, reading and studying any religion, philosophy and astronomy and space. In this respect I was geeky, but I was also one of the crowd and a popular girl, so I was a little confusing for some people. But I always knew, although I couldn’t explain it very well, that my physical life had no meaning, like it wasn’t real in a way. Or, that it did have a meaning, but it certainly wasn’t what other people would think it was, like making money, or being pretty, or being in love – those things I knew were just nonsense.

I then got to a point where no one religion, or philosophy really stuck with me, nothing fitted, I was looking for something to show me the way, or fill something inside of me and that didn’t happen, although I got something out of all of them, they didn’t fill me up, like you would expect some kind of enlightenment to do, or a discovery that your life had purpose would do. However, I have always believed that there is some kind of God, although the idea of God has changed many times over the years, from the bible notion of God, to the buddhist version, to the fact the it means the universe and we are all one collective, or that the notion it is actually inside of myself and I can be as great as God because I am created from him, or it.

My life has had a handful of truly awful times that I have pulled through and yes, for a time, have felt stronger from. My faith has always kept me feeling safe and assured that each life here has some kind of meaning. I ensured that I never fell for the materialistic world – I have lived here and enjoyed things for sure, you can’t live if you don’t, but I have never taken any meaning from them and they have never become a part of me. My faith (whatever that is/was) was what made me tick. I also welcomed the hard times as I felt these coming were my tests and what would ultimately make me see the light and find my true meaning. Although I am not discussing my life here, please don’t take lightly my sufferings,  they have been severe at times, trust me. But I never lost my faith, the faith that my life has meaning. And I never ever tried to smooth over the sufferings, I really felt them, I let them do their worst, I figured that what doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger.

Despite me sufferings, I have never hurt a fly. In fact, my main characteristic is that I have so much love for any living thing, and it literally kills me when I see the cruelties that mankind do to each other and to other living things. However, I am not soft, I have backbone and if someone is treating me badly, I leave instantly and never look back, I can take care of myself, I rarely (if ever) ask anyone for help. I see this life as mine, and that only I can confront the things given to me, only I know what to do, sure others can comfort me and maybe help to smooth things over, but I have never been one to smooth over my life, I have lived fully ever twist and turn myself. I believe that I have all the tools within myself to deal with anything given to me.

About 3 years ago, I really wanted to die. Something awful was happening to me and that triggered it off. Basically, I had helped a very troubled person, it was more than help, I sort of sacrificed myself for him (he was suicidal) (funny hey). Anyway, it turns out that this man was setting me up for something awful, I was kind of lucky cause I found him out just before it happened (he was going to rape me and kill me – no joke!) but I discovered that he had hacked into my computers and email account and also knew all my whereabouts. It turns out that he had been stalking me, breaking into my house, stealing things and he was living in my attic, he would also self harm himself up there, his blood was everywhere. He had read my very private emails to my closet friend where I talked about all my deepest emotions and fears and also talked about suicide. He kept these emails (he still has them now) and he planned to have his way with me and then kill me and make it look like suicide. He was obsessed with me, he had a journal that described in full his feelings towards me, it was like a true horror movie.

I had a massive breakdown with all this. Not just cause this man was so unbelievably nasty, but also cause I had helped him and this was my repayment. But although I was in a very bad way when this all kicked off, I knew I would recover and be stronger from this. But what has troubled me more from all this is that after a long battle, the police never did anything and neither did the courts, despite the fact that I even did my own research and investigating into this man and found that he was doing the exact same thing with another woman in another country! He was up in court there. But the police and the courts couldn’t be bothered. Also, the police told me that computer hacking isn’t a crime in the UK unless someone makes money out of it!! Haha!! your life means less than money!!!  How is a person supposed to continue after that discovery?

I don’t want this post to revolve around this incident so please don’t feel sorry for me about this, equal and worse things happen all the time and some on here have it way worse than I do. And most importantly, it’s not the thing that happened, it’s really not. I can handle what this man did to me,  I am fully aware of what humans are capable of and I don’t expect to live my entire life safe from all that. What does get me is the discoveries I have made about the law and the police. I have been researching other injustices and boy there are millions of them! 

It’s not even that, I can even live with that. I just need to know why. I am tired now, I have been believing and staying strong, helping others, towing the line all my life. I need some pay back – for anyone who wants to respond to that with the fact that I am able bodied and have a good life etc – I don’t mean that, I mean some sort of spiritual payback. I have invested my entire life to the notion that there is some meaning to all this and yet I have not had one trickle of proof. Am I blind? Am I dumb? Have I bee kidding myself all these years? If I hadn’t been a believer, I could have gone on to be materialistic and ruthless and at least put gates around myself and glittery comforts to entertain me.

For the past few years I have been 100% dedicated to finding my purpose, I have tried intelligently by working out what I am good at and how that could in some way improve the world or even one other life. I have prayed (in my own way) to the higher being, whether that be God, or the stars or something inside of myself – I have begged!! Pleaded!! Sacrificed what is left of my life! I have quite literally discarded everything of this world and laid down bare for days either in contemplation or in tears and despair – not feeling sorry for myself, in fact, I am quite the master now at disregarding my own body and my own thoughts to allow something,  anything to enter me and show me the way. I don’t even beg for enlightenment, I don’t beg to know the answers to life, all I want is some purpose, just something to show me that this isn’t hell we are all stuck in, that my life is not run by the devil (I say devil cause that’s how people interpret hell or cruelty, I am open to the idea of the devil but I am also more drawn to the idea that mankind itself is the devil, is the evil) and even if this is hell we are all stuck in, I beg for some form of redemption, I offer that I have paid my price and I am prepared to do anything, even kill myself to be free of this pain.

Well, like I say, it’s been years that I have been this way now. I hardly do anything in this world anymore, only the necessaries. I have dedicated my life to finding some meaning. After all, isn’t that what everyone says? Even on here? I have read so many of these posts and the people who respond to them with the intention of saving someone from suicide is that that person must have some meaning in their life, and that they must find it.  I honestly don’t believe that anyone can save anyone else, you can only save yourself. If you believe that someone’s words can save you, they can’t, you just needed to hear those words that’s all, you already knew them – if you didn’t already know those words, they wouldn’t have had any meaning to you, you simply wouldn’t have heard/seen them. If that person hadn’t posted those words on your suicide project posting, you would have either heard them on TV, or from a passer by or in your own head.

There are no words that can save me now, I think I’ve heard them all, well there are certainly no human life words that can save me. I too have clung to hope  for my entire life. I remember thinking at the age of 14, that I wished I hadn’t been born, that if I was given a choice, I would refuse, absolutely. But I went ahead, knowing the pain I would suffer, and yes, also the joy, with the determination that I would find a true meaning to it and do some good whilst I’m here on this planet. I have paid attention to every little sign that I thought/hoped would be a clue. I feel like my life has been like the Truman Show film in the sense that I am in a TV show and trying to find a little sign that this isn’t actually a TV show, I even get into a boat hoping that at the end of this ‘sea’ there is some enlightenment, some sign, but when in fact it’s just the end, a piece of cardboard with an illusion on it. Even despite this I sail in another direction, paying attention to other signs ‘this way’ ‘that way’ ‘the truth might be here’  only to find myself exhausted and without paddles and just drifting around and around on a sea of illusions. I never should have woke up, I should have just remained asleep through this life and been wholly a part of it, the cruelty, the materialism, the fake ‘love’. I should have bred and prospered despite my knowing it all to not be decent, let alone wonderful. I should have just medicated it like everyone else.

I’m 36 now and I’m done with looking. I no longer believe in sacrifice. Whoever I am sacrificing to, I no longer want your impossible attention for I now believe it to be cruel or a trick of my mind. Even if right now, the ceiling on my house cracks open and the gates of heaven appear with a feeling of pure love and a message for me, I would be so wary and suspicious that I would either not respond, or I would doubt it. Also, I would be racked with the feeling of disappointment that the thing I have believed in and remained loyal to, has allowed me to suffer and allowed so much more suffering to other undeserving lives, and that although I offered myself in sacrifice to help even one person, it went ignored. I was here all this time, available to help change this world in even a small way and it went ignored. Oh I tried as much as I possibly humanly could, but I always met with dead ends and heartache. 

If ‘God’ tests us in this human life and that’s why he NEVER intervenes when inexplicable cruelties are happening to innocent animals, children and other life, in order for us to learn and get salvation in the next life, then that means that this life means nothing more than a test laboratory. He’s doing the exact same thing that humans do to animals in test labs. I’m sorry but if I was a child who had been abused my whole life and then gone on to lead a tragic adult life, and then at the end of that life God gave me salvation, I can’t help but feel that to be cruel in itself. Surely, in some atom, in some strand of your soul you would continue to feel that pain, have some memory of that horrific suffering? How would you ever trust again? Even trust God? The one that allowed it to happen? If this is a belief then it’s a very lame one, and makes no real sense, and it certainly does not equal love in my eyes. That’s just like a woman knowing her husband is abusing her child but allows him to do it in order to get pictures so she can show the police and get him arrested, instead of just ripping the b@stard off her child. It makes no sense. If God is allowing suffering to so many innocent people, and lets face it, suffering is huge and most who suffer are innocent, there is far more suffering in this world than is pure love, then he has truly lost the battle to the devil hasn’t he? Or, if you still wish to believe in the good of God, then the only way for it to make any sense is that this life means nothing other than to show that you either succumb to the devil or you suffer at his hands. God is nowhere to be seen. Bless him.

All that believing has done to me is destroy me and want me only now to die. In my years of dedication and begging and offering even my life if I have to to get the truth, I have had no other sign that to kill myself. So either God, or the higher being, be that the universe, or an alien or a super human astronaut, or myself or a star or the moon, must be telling me to kill myself.