I know I haven’t been on here in ages, and there is a very good reason for this. The Love of my life is dead. After un-bearable news, I am forced to believe that there is nothing anymore to truly live for. Yet this festering hate for all living things and happy people is not enough for me to end my life. I don’t expect it to come back on this site, a lot of you have more pressing things and more problematic issues going on in your lives, in which I understand any criticism that you wish to feed me. Long storry short though, we all handle that last piece of straw on the camel’s back a bit differently, mine I feel is to seclude myself and let this fester until I know can cope, then whatever happens, it then will happen. I have many regrets in my life. I will never touch her, smell her, see her, hear her, taste her lips, enjoy her company. I regret that I didn’t spend as much time as I could with her, or force her to talk to me when these problems arose for her. I regret messing up so much with her. I regret not be strong enough to with hold all of her pain and tell her it will be ok. I regret being so far away. So many things that I regret I could fill this site. There isn’t much else left to say. All I can remember now is the sound of her voice ringing in my ears. You know you are truly dead when you can no longer cry… I haven’t been crying in a long time. I don’t even have it in me. It used to be so easy to just lose control and fall apart, weeping endlessly for hours when something happened… Although, then again, whenever someone dies I never did weep. She committed suicide, and I still can’t weep. I’ve been strong for so long… Now… I think it is finally time to curl up into this ball of destroyed flesh that I have tainted over my 18 years of existence, and rest in a corner… Because there isn’t anything else in me anymore… Death, for now you must wait at my door, but no worries. I’ll be answering your knock soon enough. I will then walk hand in hand with you through the your valleys and I will finally be able to scream and weep. Please don’t mind the metaphor… I am well aware I won’t be weeping… but, I also know my destination after life. I’d rather be there than here anymore. So to people whom I have added to my msn from here, to all of whom I wanted to be friends for, to whom I hope I have helped and those who have said I helped. I apologize, and I wish you all an amazing life… Be safe, take care, and know that I loved you all as family, if I still had the love to give out anymore, you would still be loved just as much if not more.