I know I haven’t been on here in ages, and there is a very good reason for this. The Love of my life is dead. After un-bearable news, I am forced to believe that there is nothing anymore to truly live for. Yet this festering hate for all living things and happy people is not enough for me to end my life. I don’t expect it to come back on this site, a lot of you have more pressing things and more problematic issues going on in your lives, in which I understand any criticism that you wish to feed me. Long storry short though, we all handle that last piece of straw on the camel’s back a bit differently, mine I feel is to seclude myself and let this fester until I know can cope, then whatever happens, it then will happen. I have many regrets in my life. I will never touch her, smell her, see her, hear her, taste her lips, enjoy her company. I regret that I didn’t spend as much time as I could with her, or force her to talk to me when these problems arose for her. I regret messing up so much with her. I regret not be strong enough to with hold all of her pain and tell her it will be ok. I regret being so far away. So many things that I regret I could fill this site. There isn’t much else left to say. All I can remember now is the sound of her voice ringing in my ears. You know you are truly dead when you can no longer cry… I haven’t been crying in a long time. I don’t even have it in me. It used to be so easy to just lose control and fall apart, weeping endlessly for hours when something happened… Although, then again, whenever someone dies I never did weep. She committed suicide, and I still can’t weep. I’ve been strong for so long… Now… I think it is finally time to curl up into this ball of destroyed flesh that I have tainted over my 18 years of existence, and rest in a corner… Because there isn’t anything else in me anymore… Death, for now you must wait at my door, but no worries. I’ll be answering your knock soon enough. I will then walk hand in hand with you through the your valleys and I will finally be able to scream and weep. Please don’t mind the metaphor… I am well aware I won’t be weeping… but, I also know my destination after life. I’d rather be there than here anymore. So to people whom I have added to my msn from here, to all of whom I wanted to be friends for, to whom I hope I have helped and those who have said I helped. I apologize, and I wish you all an amazing life… Be safe, take care, and know that I loved you all as family, if I still had the love to give out anymore, you would still be loved just as much if not more.
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Yes, we all would rather be in the afterlife then here. But being 18 your tiny brain isn’t done developing and your hormones are out-of-wack. You put all your self worth in this women and make her your world, and now what do you expect now that she’s gone, of course your going to crumble; The hardest part of growing up is learning to respect and love yourself, then you are ready to find your true mate. On a side note, at least your not posting pages and pages about how you cut yourself like rollergirl1234. I’m 23 btw.
Codename Dreamer, loved one’s do die. As they do. It is the cycle of things. The laboring of things. I wish it hadn’t. I wished it wouldn’t. But it keeps on going. The music box keeps churning. The same melody keeps repeating. That same dance keeps sliding about…. We all have our baggage. You are 18. Take your agony and do something with it. You can choose to crumble, or you can choose otherwise. If I were 18, again, I would think I would choose otherwise. If I were 18 again I would choose otherwise. Even now, though, I have no issue with death; even though I have no hardcore longing to die at this moment.
Your writing is very detailed and organized and dramatic. Very much impressive. Take that and do something with it, in some form or fashion. You are articulate, use that to inspire others.
That’s the way the cookie crumbles.
I didn’t plan on coming back here but I am glad that I took a chance to see what all was said, if anything. To my surprise I seen these three comments in which I am gracious for. “Towards Alluvion” I know I am only 18 but I honestly feel like I’m going on 40. I had been wanting a family and a steady job, although in all acceptance I am taking this quite hard, it is possible that I may still have a family someday and I understand that. Although Respect and Love for my own being is out of the question at the moment. After what has happened and so many things I could have done to change it, things that I have not thought about until of course it was too late. It’s been over a month now and it has just hit me like a train into a brick wall. I thank you for doing your best to help but I fear for now and at least a few more days I will be nothing more than a lost cause. Thank you for your words though. “Towards Z” Yes, loved one’s will die, just like all things eventually die. I agree that it would be so much easier if they didn’t but what can we do I imagine other than grieve. I’m actually a writer by the way, so I do take my pain, and suffering into account in most of my writings. These morbid writings come from dreams and experiences. We are just fly’s basically, gliding in our own unique patterns until we finally hit the bug zapper. What we do means something somehow, and when we are gone if it was ever noticed, it will be remembered. I thank you for the compliments on my writing, I was slightly, intoxicated last night so I apologize for the errors in my post. Thank you. “To You Both” I’m already doing better, I just had this grieving process that was a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would be. Fortunately while I was drunk last night I managed to use that as a way to vent and that is what I mainly needed. I thank you both very much for your answers, people like you make our world a bit better place. Oh “To Alluvion” I actually liked Rollergirl1234’s poem, it shows a lot of deep and intense emotions that one does show through self harm… It is slightly upsetting to see it but then again, if we didn’t see the things that made us sad or upset, how could we ever truly appreciate any of the good…
listen… your 18. and u need to understand something very important here.. u lost someone u loved, she was at the time, the love of your life. but if she had lived on, there is every distinct possability that u guys would have eventually split up and moved on and gone seperate ways..
u would have entered new relationships and had other families. youve got to realise that you would be ending your own life un-necessarily. yes its terrible, its tragic and its too much for someone as young as yourself to try and cope with, but firstly she wouldnt have wanted u to follow in her footsteps and secondly whether u like to here this or not, u would eventually meet someone else and fall in love again. and when that happend u will look back one day, with your children sat around u, and thank god that u didnt do something so stupid.
your not suffering from manic depression, you havnt got an incurable disease, you have a broken heart.. one of theh worse pains imaginable, but a pain that DOES ease with time. it takes more balls to live than it does to die… so try it…
and if u want to know why i dont take my own advice, well its because i dont have a broken heart, im just a broken person.. i dont want to die because of someone else, i want to die because im unhappy with me. YOU have a chance……
Lisajay, there are reasons why I can’t really take advice from people, I myself have this compulsive disorder to help others over myself, it seems it has run my entire life. Albeit your advice is 100% true, I also have my own anguish that will continue to tear at me until I most likely undoubtedly die. My first true love, someone I would do absolutely anything for. Now that she is gone, I’ve lost something I can’t get back. I won’t be ending my own life due to this but as I said in my other comment, I was quite intoxicated and had a lot to get off of my chest. It was dramatic, but taking my life will never be an option. Lisa, now as to my nature, I just wanted to say… You don’t have to be broken, people can make you whole again. It might be unknowingly impossible for you to try that again and find someone, but they always say it’s through trial and error that you can lend your heart out to someone. I myself believe in it and that what has happened to me was just a test of if I am sane or… Insane enough to keep trying. The way I see it… A person can’t fix thier own shattered heart, but another person can if they are qualified for the job. I wish you luck and I thank you for your concern.
~Dreamer~
You sound co-dependant. I am also sort of co-dependant. What you need to realize is that you couldn’t save her. Your feelings make me feel guilt about wanting to kill myself because i have so many people, including my first love that would be wrecked if i did it. Don’t feel guilty about her death. It wasn’t your fault. I know quite a bit about mental illness, psychology, etc. Mental illness is a biological thing as much as mental. There are forces of nature working against us all of the time, it doesn’t make someone weak, only lacking in coping skills and/or experience pain more than normal people.
Two sucicidal people being together is a big no no. I am with someone that is sucidial two, he is also a drug addict, although our relationship has been filled with suicide attempts on both’s parts, we both know that in the end, it is not the other’s fault and would love nothing more than to see each other be happy. I’m sure your love would have wanted teh same for you. I”m sure she knew you loved her more than anything and would be in pain to know the pain you are in today.
Live for her, live through her, tell her story, breathe for her.
Lj…i read this whenever i feel bad….just do well and be okay
I wanted to post a comment here. But I’m not shure why or what to say. You sound just so much like me… but in dude form. It’s been erking me all day that I didn’t comment when I read this. I feel like I should say something really meaningful &nd inspirational. Something to make you feel better. But I’m at a loss of words…?