I feel so alone.

Today, I looked at the date and noticed it was already August 6th, closing in August 7th in California.

School’s going to start and all hell is going to be unleashed.

I already have some mis-formed soiled reputation for simply playing Pokemon where I tend to ramble about tournaments. It’s a hobby, and it’s not like I’m obsessed with it. People ask me how to build their Pokemon in their lame downloaded HG/SS then call me a nerd who’s obsessed with Pokemon because I don’t feel like helping them. In class, they’ll also make degrading Pokemon references and stare at me with those derp type faces. I’m really hoping this doesn’t happen senior year, but looking at my high school record, it’s more than likely going to happen.

I find it really hard to make friends now-a-days as well. In school, I’d be sitting with a group of people (who technically accepted me), but I can’t relate to any of them. I tried to play games that they played, and do the things that they do to actually have something to talk about, but I can’t stand it. I find it boring. I can’t play the latest Starcraft 2, or DoTA not because I suck at it, because I don’t like those type of games. I try going to the mall with a couple of groups, but most of the time they talk about the last girl the tried to/did it with. If they don’t, they simply talk about the games I don’t find fun, and teachers I don’t have. I simply can’t relate to any of them and I sort of stand there in the sidelines following them into whatever. On the brighter note, I made a few online friends that I could relate to and hang out at a local mall that’s closest to the both of us and have been doing so since February, but they have their own social lives and friends.  Taking that away from them to fulfil my needs is selfish and immoral.

On another note:

I hate when I get friend zoned. It’s really painful inside a lot of the times. Seriously, I make like the best friends I could ever want and withing 3 months they just disappear and become these strangers I use to associate myself with. They’re mainly online so I can’t blame them, but they never leave me with a reason. They just leave without telling me trying to make me figure out for myself.

More recently, I’m slowly entering the friend zone with a friend I seriously cherish and love. She and I use to be so close together (in my opinion). We use to talk from after school till 2-3AM in the morning to keep each other company while doing homework IMing of course. Eventually we’d both get off around 12AM to talk on the phone for an hour or more (usually more). She left me once already, but I don’t know what compelled me to do it, but I forced my way back into her life. We became really good friends again. Although we didn’t IM as much our phone conversations did increase in time, and we made it a habit to talk to each other before we sleep every night.

Being in Taiwan, I was unable to talk to her as much and not on the phone at all. We decided e-mail would be a nice alternative and I’ve been sending her e-mails everyday about my day and she replies (usually pretty short) about her day. I try waking up early so I could talk to her on AIM/MSN, but when I do it’s like those 5 minute “how’s the weather” type of conversations with long periods of silence before one of us says “hi” again to try to stimulate an almost meaningless conversation. I wish they would just tell me what’s wrong, and why they’re not talking to me as much. I can handle the truth. I already admitted to my faulties and mistakes and now it’s their turn. I can’t stand this sometimes.

I feel so alone sometimes.  I don’t have a single good friend in my life right now.  I just want to crawl out my window and fall 8 stories to my death, but I don’t know what’s stopping me right now.  The fact that I’m living is proof that there’s hope but I feel like dying.