I’ve been suicidal for ages but I’m too lazy to go out and buy the stuff I need to gas myself, plus the thought of  being around people outside just makes me feel sick, I just can’t face it. So I ‘exist’ at home now all the time and watch daylight follow night over and over again. I’ve now got the point where I literally can’t stand ANYTHING about my existence. When I’m hungry, I’m thinking ‘you useless animal needing food’ and when I’m tired I think it’s pathetic, when I smell cause I haven’t showered I think that I am no more than a slab of rotting meat that needs to be re-perfumed. I HATE this body, I am NOTHING to do with it. I am a soul that is pure and is desperate to be separated from this ugly and pointless slab of meat that I am trapped inside.Â
Most funny thing is, I am a model and I’m successful. But I always saw through it and knew it was superficial, it was just a way to make money in order to try to keep myself ‘safe’ but there is no safety in this world. Terror and evil is always just a news broadcast away, or a link away, or a photo away. I have always felt this way but have tried so hard my whole life to not ever let it get me too down. But about 13 months ago, I was having my makeup applied at a shoot and I saw that my eyes were dead. I cried for ten days after that and I’ve never returned to work since. I have heavily researched finding some other deeper and more spiritual meaning to my life, but I meet with dead ends and on the whole anything that IS possible is pointless. Ideally I would like to go and take all the suffering people and put them in my lounge and cuddle them, nothing less would suffice and why the hell should it? Anything less is a cop out!Â
I was not suicidal 13 months ago, but now that I have detached myself from the superficial, greedy and fake world, all I can think of is death. It’s now got to the point that I don’t even want to feed and wash myself, I have disconnected from this body and it is nothing but a burden now.
7 comments
This is sad. I wonder are you feeling some anger towards the fact that you haven’t found the deeper and more spiritual meaning you were looking for? You know 13 months isn’t such a long time to feel this bad, I really hope you give it a bit more time before you do anything final
I really feel for you, but Im not going to preech to you and make up some shit about how you should live. Life sucks and well… whatever you do, things just rarely work out. Im sorry bad things happen to people like you. You seem really nice. Okay, I sound like a weirdo, lol sorry, but anyway I wish you the best of luck and I can only pray that life gets better for you.
Sorry to comment so much but is that how you spell “Preech” or is it “Preach” sorry im trying to make sense.
David1: I am probably angry, well I am definitely angry yes, I hate everything at the moment. 13 months feels like a long time but I see what you mean on the grand scale of things. I’m just taking each day as it comes but everyday all i wish would happen is death and that’s a horrible existence.
Thanks everyone
I have never been good looking and never been a model, okay when I was like five I posed in a snow mobile suit for the company my dad worked for.
I do understand the thought of being worthless I have spent half my life trying to kill myself and the other half trying to figure out why I should live.
I like where your heart is wanting to help all the suffering people. In that you show a lot of value right there. You say that you have explored deeper and more spiritual purposes to your life. Let’s talk. You might not like what I have to say, but I have a thought for you.
I have never been good looking and never been a model, okay when I was like five I posed in a snow mobile suit for the company my dad worked for.
I do understand the thought of being worthless I have spent half my life trying to kill myself and the other half trying to figure out why I should live.
I like where your heart is wanting to help all the suffering people. In that you show a lot of value right there. You say that you have explored deeper and more spiritual purposes to your life. Let’s talk. You might not like what I have to say, but I have a thought for you.
i am done.i feel exactly the same way and our circumstances r so similar,pls sum1 hold my hand.i got the products 2 gas myself h2s or co2 by coal-i just dont wana b alone.its getting 2 the point where im desper8-i am in the uk-if sum1 really wants 2 go ie leave this awful world-pls lets hold hands 4 comfort-pls text me-and i will respond asap-i want 2 die asap…i am in my 20s and live in london,i am female,pls ph or txt if u really have given up like me -07827 514375