I’ve been suicidal for ages but I’m too lazy to go out and buy the stuff I need to gas myself, plus the thought of Â being around people outside just makes me feel sick, I just can’t face it. So I ‘exist’ at home now all the time and watch daylight follow night over and over again. I’ve now got the point where I literally can’t stand ANYTHING about my existence. When I’m hungry, I’m thinking ‘you useless animal needing food’ and when I’m tired I think it’s pathetic, when I smell cause I haven’t showered I think that I am no more than a slab of rotting meat that needs to be re-perfumed. I HATE this body, I am NOTHING to do with it. I am a soul that is pure and is desperate to be separated from this ugly and pointless slab of meat that I am trapped inside.Â
Most funny thing is, I am a model and I’m successful. But I always saw through it and knew it was superficial, it was just a way to make money in order to try to keep myself ‘safe’ but there is no safety in this world. Terror and evil is always just a news broadcast away, or a link away, or a photo away. I have always felt this way but have tried so hard my whole life to not ever let it get me too down. But about 13 months ago, I was having my makeup applied at a shoot and I saw that my eyes were dead. I cried for ten days after that and I’ve never returned to work since. I have heavily researched finding some other deeper and more spiritual meaning to my life, but I meet with dead ends and on the whole anything that IS possible is pointless. Ideally I would like to go and take all the suffering people and put them in my lounge and cuddle them, nothing less would suffice and why the hell should it? Anything less is a cop out!Â
I was not suicidal 13 months ago, but now that I have detached myself from the superficial, greedy and fake world, all I can think of is death. It’s now got to the point that I don’t even want to feed and wash myself, I have disconnected from this body and it is nothing but a burden now.