i’m so tired

I’m so tired of fighting, I’m trying and going to write a letter for my 5 year old son, so when I do finally off myself he would get an understanding of why and I just hope he will forgive me for what I’m going to do, it will be in the past when he does read it, I’m so tired of fighting and losing in life, I used to think that I could win but the odds have always been against me, yeah I’ve always spent too much on him, and most times went with out food, fuel in my car, or even cigarettes, but the fact that when I do have to walk 4 or more hours to get to my dead end job in sometimes 100+ degree heat, I know I still and will always love my son and hope he will get a better shake at life and luck unlike me, I’m so tired of being this loser, and losing everyday in life, and I’ve never been anything without my depression, the only feeling I’ve ever known when it went away I’m lost I’ve never really known anything in feeling otherwise, so with some clarity I know what I need to do, and as for the rest of my family they will be pissed that I did it and they did not do or participate in my death, so at 37 I have had enough of being a loser and want something else for him, and I will miss him I just hope he will forgive me, and will see things through my eyes